For the last couple of clinics, we’ve been looking at opening scenes that successfully introduced intriguing characters in a dramatic situation. This morning, we’re looking at a less successful example. I’ve included my comments at the bottom, so read the edited piece over and see what you think.
Incidentally, if you would like to submit your work to the clinic (and I hope you do – submission guidelines are here), you might consider sending in a key dramatic scene from the middle of the work. Please include a quick paragraph explaining who’s who, what they’re doing, and why it matters. It’s natural to submit the opening of your WIP, and hook is important. But the importance of the hook can be overrated, and it’s worth looking at other aspects of writing.
Dusty would be mad
,. Jaelle was sure of it. She hadn’t told him of her plans because she knew that, and she wasn’t even sure Bianca would show up. Besides, she instinctively knew he wouldn’t have let her go. 
Those first months in Houston,
after she came to live with him he wanted to know where she was and who she was talking to every minute of her day. She had to give up the few friends from school that she’d kept in touch with. It had been okay then, even though she’d lost her few friends, because she was crazy about Dusty and excited at the prospect of being part of a family. He was just very She just figured real families were protective , she had told herself. That’s how real families are, she thought, since she had never been part of a real family before. Yes, she thought, Dusty will be mad when he finds out I’ve left the ranch with the cop. For now, she just looked out the car window and tried not to think about what would happen when she got home. [Read more…]