We’re thrilled to introduce you to our newest contributor, Bill Ferris. Bill was one of the over fifty applicants for our humor columnist position, and–as we told the funny finalists who were not Bill–we fell in hard love with his voice and quirky sense of humor. Welcome, Bill!
The fragrance of coffee and overpriced pastries wafts through your favorite cafe. You choose a table with a clear view of that cute barista whose chai tea you can’t stop thinking about. Trouble is, every singleton in town has the same idea. If you want to impress your coffee crush, you’ve got to let her know you’ve got more than good looks and charm. You’re a writer, the sexiest and coolest of all professions. Since she’s avoiding eye contact, you’ll have to make it obvious.
1. Dress to impress. Don a T-shirt commemorating an author whose image you want to portray (Hemingway–I’m a tough guy with a sensitive side and a drinking problem; James Joyce–I like to tell people I read James Joyce. I am also a drunk). Gentlemen, catch her eye by sporting…well, a sport coat, the kind with those swanky elbow patches. Ladies, try on some big librarian glasses. Hold your hair in a bun with a number two pencil, then whip it loose like you’re in an ‘80s music video. To make sure he sees you, do this every fifteen minutes. Both sexes may accessorize with berets, scarves, or pipes–but never more than one. You don’t want to look like you’re trying too hard.
2. Talk the tahlk. Nothing speaks to a life of culture, travel, and literature like an accent of indeterminate origin. George Plimpton was a nobody until he ditched his south-Georgia twang for a Mid-Atlantic posh the envy of boarding-school headmasters nationwide. Homebrew your own signature speech patterns by fusing Katharine Hepburn’s old-time Hollywood with Hagrid’s West Country accent. Your beloved may ask you to repeat yourself, which totally counts as witty back-and-forth.