I’m just one year shy of being 50 years old and I’ve been thinking a lot about a conversation I had with a coworker when I was in my early 20s. It wasn’t really a conversation as much as it was this man (about 20 years older than me) telling me how people my age didn’t know a damn thing and how when you got older (older like him), you’d finally know what was what. I remember how proud of himself he was. How much he enjoyed telling me this information. On my commute home, I remember thinking how his stance didn’t sit right with me. I mean, not just the monologuing part, but also I questioned whether it sounded appealing to really know what was what.
And now that I’m older (older than that guy at the time), it still doesn’t sit right.
I mean, I know that some things only come with experience. Some things only come from years of hard work. It is satisfying to know more things. But at the same time, I don’t want to totally know what is what. I often love to bathe in the I-don’t-know-ness, especially in the early phase of a creative project. I still want to stumble around in the dark and discover new things. At some point, I suppose, it’s fine to understand what you’re up to. But I’d argue that some of the best discoveries happen because you don’t know exactly where you’re going.
I’m not saying that I always want to fumble around in a dark cave. I’m all for outlining or planning or whatever tools are necessary to reign in the madness of creating something. And I definitely appreciate getting something to the finish line. But I still want to allow room to venture into the unknown, even if I occasionally set up some guardrails, or breadcrumbs, or whatever second-rate metaphor you’d like to use to get yourself back home…
But don’t trust blogger me, listen to YouTuber me:
What do you think? What is your comfort for the unknown?
About Yuvi Zalkow
Yuvi Zalkow's first novel was reluctantly published in 2012 by MP Publishing. His forthcoming novel will be published by Red Hen Press. His stories and essays have been published in Glimmer Train, Narrative Magazine, Carve Magazine, The Daily Dot, Rosebud, The Poop Report, and others. He occasionally makes YouTube videos and apps for iPhones. Check out his website if you actually want to find out more.
I love this! Sharing.
Thanks, Densie!
Yuvi, I am 83, and I can’t speak for others in explaining “what it’s all about,” but for me I can tell you that I am still someone who is leaning out the driver-side window of his pickup truck, straining to see what’s waiting beyond the long curve of life remaining to him. I do it with optimism, ignoring the bumps in the road while enjoying the anticipation and the breeze on my face.
That’s lovely and inspiring to hear, Daniel. Thanks for sharing.
YES! This is exactly why I write fiction – because it’s all unknown. And I try to go as far as I can in the dark because wow – that’s where the fun is. That’s where I can stumble into the real motivations and meanings of a character’s actions or desires.
I’m at that point in a WIP, where I still have room to stumble, although my eyes are quickly adjusting to the dark. I savor this feeling because anything is still possible. It’s still possible I”ll find a good story.
Thank you for your refreshing post.
Thanks, Ada! I like where you’re taking the metaphor, about adjusting to the dark, because that is also an important phase… I’m hoping to chat about that in another video soon… Take care!
This was fantastic, Yuvi.
I’ve warmed a lot to the unknown over the years — in the vein of “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” And I’m all for changing the ends of our self-defeating sentences to allow for (and even–gasp–nurture) the possibility of our own success.
I am so, so glad that you plan to make more videos like this with the end result being MORE YUVI ON WU IN 2021! We are so lucky. #NotSarcasm
“Warming to the unknown” is a nice way to put it… because I also didn’t like the unknown at first… Anyway, happy to be back around here. Hope you’re doing well, Therese! It’s always nice to chat with you and to read your words…
Very inspiring blog post and video, Yuvi. As another writer who is often thrashing around in the dark, and also battles terrible chronic head pain on a daily basis, I found your video helpful and inspiring. Unfortunately, the meds I take to try to control the trigeminal neuralgia I have as a gift from Ramsay Hunt Syndrome make my brain so foggy I cannot focus or be as productive as I used to be.
Thanks for the note, Maryann. So sorry to hear that about the chronic pain. Chronic migraines is something that I’ve been struggling with for a few years, and it has definitely impacted my ability to remain in this creative space as before. I’ve definitely had to adjust my expectations and also to simplify (or even drop some of) the projects I’m working on… I hope you find some sweet moments amidst the fog. ❤️️
Oh how I loved this in a way that says oh how I loved this. I’m also an insecure introvert who despises the unknown, but is drawn to it and thrives when I get there. Come to think of it, this kinda sums up my heroines. Thank you for that insight.
Yay for the new insight!… Yeah, I sure relate to the feeling of both despising and being drawn to the unknown…
Haha!
I’m right there with you, Yuvi. I’m almost 50 and don’t what the hell I’m doing either. I finally know what is what, though, and that’s–I don’t know what the hell I’m doing until I’ve done it. Well–I guess I still wouldn’t know what I was doing, but I’d know what I did (until I forgot). Yeye. That’s funny but not. I was talking about this topic this morning with my co-worker, minus being almost 50 and conversing with a cranky guy. Hmm, the irony. Even though you didn’t teach me anything, I learned a lot.
Thank you, sir. Message received.
That’s a fabulous paragraph, B.B.! Really appreciate the way you speak to the knowing about not knowing!…. Take care.
“bathe in the I-don’t-know-ness” vs “wisdom of insecurity”–yeah that second is a better title but the way you express it, it’s instant recognition. You should write that book :)
A couple of years ago I read Writing in the Dark by Dean Wesley Smith and it was wonderfully freeing. Merry Christmas!
Thanks for the feedback, Vijaya. Wow. “Writing in the Dark” is a great title. I’ll need to check that out.
Yuvi, I am way older than you, and I know a lot less of what is what than you. (Sorry, my competitive side came out.) However, if you can even push around that weight near your desk with your foot, you are stronger than me, so there’s that. I enjoyed the not-knowingness of your post and your video.
This may amuse: I look at a site called Daily Zen Meditation regularly; there you will see often cryptic (goes with the territory) excerpts from Zen savants and masters of long years past. Today’s message:
This is the great mystery:
You do and do not exist.
– Shen T’sing
So, I hope that’s comforting.
FYI: I have begun all my stories from the perspective of a popsicle, but so did Alan Watts, so don’t even try to trademark that. Keep posting!
I can’t believe you busted me with that weight in the picture! 😜 I was bummed to realize it was in the picture because it gives the impression that I can lift weights… If it’s any conciliation, I usually lift it with two hands, or use it for other non-weight-lifting purposes… That Zen quote is fabulous. Thank you… Good luck with all of your popsicle stories! Take care.
Great post and video! Thanks for age-splaining ™ and bald-splaing ™ this to all of us.
Thanks, Tina!
I’m from a medical background, where it’s super important that you know what you’re doing–or at least know how to find the people who know what they’re doing and who are willing to help. To go from that mindset to writing? Yikes. Let’s just say I spent a lot of time looking for the answer for how to do “stuff.” (As you can see by the precision of my language, I have a long way to go.)
Eventually I understood that the best anyone could give me is guideposts. I’m still making peace with that, but it is getting easier. And when I’m not banging my shins, it’s sure fun to stumble around in the dark.
One good thing? If anyone holds themselves out as the ultimate authority on writing process, I instantly begin to hear them speak in the voice of the teacher on Charlie Brown.
Yeah, some great points here, Jan! With my engineering background, I also tend to prefer unambiguous answers to questions. It’s really an adjustment to enter into this unknown territory…. And I love the Charlie Brown teacher reference… (I shoulda used that voice in my video!)
That I’m only now reading this proves I don’t know what I’m doing with my email. (So many unread emails…)
But this was good for me to see tonight because I’ve been struggling with my insecurities and worth. I’m 52 and thought this struggle would be at least more easily won. It isn’t.
What is the what? What? There’s always more to know. Always a better way to do something. Always a new way to screw up. I’m about to start a new project that makes me feel like I’m going to look very dumb in front of a lot of people…then I think, really? Not that many people are going to be paying attention!
Enjoyed the video! The bit about the book made me laugh! I’d totally do that.
Thanks! And good luck!
Thanks for sharing, Marta! And good luck with your new project! You know, I actually use that “not many people are going to pay attention” notion quite a bit to help me relax a bit more when working on a project… especially at the start when I just want to focus on discovering a cool way to do something… Take care!