2020 was destined to be a year of transition for our family even before Corona Time became a thing, but since March 13th these upcoming changes have been overshadowed by the odd reality of living in a pandemic “hot spot”. Don’t get me wrong; that reality hasn’t been all bad. Yes, my younger daughter did spend the last third of her freshman year watching TikTok videos and Netflix, with occasional breaks for pass/fail schoolwork, but her empty schedule allowed us to build a uniquely strong connection at a time when teenage daughters tend to butt heads with their moms. I have loved watching my girls turn to each other for companionship, to become friends as well as sisters. These things would not have happened if it weren’t for the pandemic.
No ceremony marked the occasion when my oldest graduated with both her high school diploma and an Associate of Arts degree in May. I’m beginning to wonder if this lack of closure, combined with that fact that “moving clutter” doesn’t look all that different from “quarantine clutter,” has kept me in a state of denial that she’s actually leaving home in two days, COVID be damned. The expected tears aren’t flowing. Instead, there is a mad rush to make sure she has her own medical insurance card and access to our reimbursement account. I’ve added masks, hand sanitizer (a.k.a. liquid gold), a non-contact thermometer and a pulse oximeter to her items to pack and noted that Medical City is seven minutes from her new home.
She’ll be two counties away, but if any of us gets COVID, she may as well be in Australia. That’s honestly what keeps me up at night—the idea that she’ll get sick and I won’t be able to be with her.
As you can imagine, I have the attention span of a gnat for most things right now, including writing this post. I have, however, learned to push past the notion that my WIP is small and pointless in comparison to overflowing hospitals, mass unemployment, worldwide protests, and a government that appears more fascist by the day. All of that underlying tension seeps through the cracks of my fictional world, infusing the story with conflicting bursts of dread and hope that would not have been there otherwise. It is morphing into a novel that is uniquely of this time.
Getting to this place took patience and a lot of soul-searching. Here are a few ideas that helped me emerge from my rut and start working again. Maybe they will be of help to some of you as well.
The Story You Planned May Not Be the Story You Write and That’s Okay
The world is not the same place that it was when 2020 began. The pandemic can’t be ignored if your novel is set in present day. A near future setting would be even more complicated, forcing the author to guess what the fallout from all this will be, and perhaps being proved wrong in a year or two. Yes, you may be able to avoid this by pretending it is 2019, but can you? Should you? Will your story, as you have currently planned it, resonate with an audience still reeling from multiple collective traumas? Does it resonate with you? If not, what would have to happen to make you feel connected? Could that be done? Give yourself permission to change course, to adjust your characters’ world to the new reality. If that feels wrong, give yourself permission to pause that project, to work on something else—a short story, a magazine article, a poem, a blog post, even another novel—anything that will provide a constructive outlet for the angst we are all feeling.
Uncomfortable Writer = Uncomfortable Characters = Compelling Prose
It’s impossible to completely disconnect a writer’s state of mind from what they are working on, so embrace that. These are uncertain times and we are all on edge. Let that anxiety seep into your prose. What frightens you the most? Does your character have a similar fear? Could they? If not, could they at least process fear in a way that feels natural and familiar to you? For example, when I panic about something, my thoughts immediately jump to worst-case scenario and then spiral through the potential consequences of something that has not happened and might never happen. Depending on who I’m with, and how sensitive they may be to the darkening cloud over me, I may start voicing these theories aloud. Being told to calm down only makes the racing thoughts speed up. I may start shout-talking then, not because I’m angry at the person trying to “help,” but because I need to hear a voice that is louder than the one inside my head. Since I know exactly how this process feels, and am well acquainted with the misunderstandings that can result, I wrote a damn convincing scene by channeling my panic into one of my protagonists. Even if I don’t ultimately use that scene in the novel, it reconnected me with a character who had become rather flat on the page. The words started flowing again.
If All Else Fails, Give Yourself Permission to Take Time Off
Obviously this isn’t ideal, and may be impossible for those working under deadlines, but all of us only have so much to give. If you are mentally or emotionally exhausted, your work may become more stressor than sanctuary and you’ll probably want to delete everything you write anyway. Consider giving yourself a week or even a month off to recharge. (If kids are home, if family or friends get sick, if jobs are lost or in jeopardy, there may be no choice in the matter.) Don’t beat yourself up. Binge watch a show. Do a paint-by number. Put together a puzzle. FaceTime a friend.
The work will still be there when you are ready.
How are all of you? Are your family and friends all okay? If you have kids, how are they coping? Are you able to write? Has that changed over the course of the pandemic? Have you switched projects?
About Kim Bullock
Kim (she/her) has an M.A. in English from Iowa State University. She writes mainly historical fiction, though has also contributed non-fiction articles to historical and Arts and Crafts publications in both the United States and Canada. She has just finished The Unfinished Work of M.A., a novel based on the rather colorful life of her great-grandfather, landscape painter Carl Ahrens.
This.
I’m glad it resonated with you, Anne.
Hi Kim–I don’t have a lot to add here. Sounds like you’ve definitely found a viable formula for getting words on the page, and that in-and-of-itself makes me happy. I’m just delighted to hear about you and the girls, and you writing through it all.
I guess when I think about why I continue to work, it boils down to one fairly simple thing. I feel better at the end of the day if I’ve worked. If not, I’m all sorts of discontented and angsty. So it’s sort of self-medicating (self-therapeutic?).
Wishing you and your beautiful family the very best.
I definitely feel better on the days I’ve worked. I now have to give myself at least a week off, though. Moving day for child number one is Saturday, and that will likely take a couple of days to get her settled. Then I need to fix a few things in her room at home before moving child number 2 into it. Then I fix child number 2’s current bedroom and turn it into a home away from home for child number one. One corner will be my new workspace, which I’ll be free to use 99% of the time. FINALLY, I will have a room of my own with a door that closes.
Kim,
Wishing you the best for your daughter and her future. There is always angst sending off a child, and Covid certainly exacerbates that. As breathing humans, we are all in some kind of flux, though our present situation heightens tension and worry and the need to meditate or pray or get a good night’s rest. I feel fortunate to be sheltering in place, but I also find my “work” calming. There is no mention of Covid in my WIP. It is set in a different time and place. This allows me to go there and live with the particular joys and sorrows I alone have created. Does Covid maybe affect what I write? Hard to say at this point. But I know one thing, escaping the news cycle for hours a day is a must to preserve sanity. Thanks for your post.
Hi Beth,
My last WIP was a historical, so I would not have had to deal with anything COVID related there. The current one is present day. I have not named an actual year at this point, and still on the fence about doing so. It’s a first draft, so I’m just kind of seeing where the muse takes me a bit.
I believe my mind will settle more when all the boxes are out of the house – many are in the front room right now – and when I will actually gain a room that will be mine the vast majority of the time. For the last fifteen years I’ve been stuck trying to work in one of the common rooms in the house or in a corner of my bedroom.
I’m now giving myself a couple of weeks off to make all these transitions and thoroughly clean the house!
Take all the time you need. Writing is always better when you are ready for it, and when your life has settled and allows the rush of words.
Beautifully written and expressed, Kim.
Thank you, Kathryn!
Kim, like you we’ve grown closer together as a family. I hope your daughter does well on her own. What a world our kids are going into. Sometimes I’m not sure they’re ready for the hardships that will be coming but then I surrender my hopes and dreams and worries to the Lord, knowing not a hair falls from my head without His knowledge. He can take care of everything.
I’ve been working on short books with my daughter making some art for me. It’s been really fun to work on these–I’m working on covers, learning new things about book-making. In Aug, I will dive into my historical novel. I always good when I’m writing. We are so blessed.
Hi Vijaya,
Yes, it is definitely an uncertain world for the kiddos, but I have so much faith in Gen Z. This generation is so socially aware and they are angry enough at the mistakes previous generations have made to make a difference on issues like climate change, health care, and equal rights for ALL. I can’t wait until they are all old enough to vote.
The project with your daughter sounds like a lot of fun!
Stay well. Stay safe. Trust your kids to remember what you’ve taught them.
All three of my kids are sheltering in place, in three different states. One has a roommate, a long-time friend. Middle one has a fiancee – the wedding will not happen exactly as planned in October, and they will let us know their plans – if they have a civil ceremony, we will go by Facetime. Youngest worries me the most – she’s alone, graduated from college but doesn’t have a job yet. Not a great time to look in her field for a first job.
All characters in my story are under pressure of one kind or another every minute – Maass’ microtension all the way.
In my production notes, I note my daily feelings and thoughts – and use them where I can. Waste not, want not, I guess.
Being locked down in a retirement community with staff and Resident covid-19 cases is difficult – but so far we’re safe. The world is in a total upheaval, and I can’t help. So I keep up as necessary – but try to use the time to write.
I’m managing progress almost every day, and that’s not peanuts.
I am so glad that my daughter is only moving about 40 minutes away, so I can easily see her often. She can even meet us for some family dinners. My other daughter is going into 10th grade, so she’s home. Literally. We are electing for virtual school for at least the first grading period this year. We live in a hot spot.
That would be scary to be locked into the retirement community. My aunt is actually moving into one next week, so we won’t be able to see her until they ease up on the restrictions, but at least she’ll have meals provided and easy access to medical care if need be.
Good idea about writing down your daily thoughts and feelings. I really should try that.
Solid ideas here, Kim, especially trying to funnel whatever negative thing you’re feeling into a character/scene. Even if it doesn’t work out/you delete the experiment, you might discover something interesting or forge a new direction because of it.
We certainly have a lot of uncertainty to churn into writerly fuel! I hope that your family fares well in these times. Wishing Sasha all of the best with Adulting. (You did good, Mama!)
Hi T,
Channeling the negative thoughts into a scene has been especially valuable for progress. What will help even more is finally having a room of my own (whenever Sasha isn’t home) with a door that closes!
Hope YOUR writing is going well, too. :-)
Wonderful thoughts/advice. We’re doing well but I did have to switch projects. Worked better than I expected.
Quite a transition, seeing the kids leave. We’re just starting that phase ourselves and it’s definitely…new. :) Good luck to your daughter. And good luck to you, as well.
Yes, it will be quite an adjustment, Amy. I will still have one daughter at home for another three years at least.
Glad your work is going well!
My WiP is an angst-filled project, so like you, I feel like I have a place to externalize my feelings. I also can’t stay with it for long periods of time, which is partly why this is the slowest book I will have written when it’s finally done.
We are all well, thanks. My son also had a markerless graduation from nursing and one of his first jobs as RN was at a long-term care home with a Covid outbreak. Needless to say, I had a few sleepless nights as I hoped he’d remain well and wouldn’t come to hate his chosen profession before he’d really got started. But I think we’re all learning to take things one step at a time. And to stop awfulizing.
Wishing Tasha good health and education as she travels, and you continued/future peace of mind. You’re obviously a resilient person but we call can use kind thoughts. xo