Warning: Hacks for Hacks tips may have harmful side effects on your writing career, and should not be used by minors, adults, writers, poets, scribes, scriveners, journalists, or anybody.
Like cameras, umbrellas, and getaway cars, the best pen is the one you have with you. We writers tend to have a dozen pens with us at any given time, though—when the muse comes to you and whispers profundity into your ear, which pen do you grab to write your masterpiece? This month, the Hacks for Hacks team looked at hundreds of pens, from ball points to gels to smear-resistant models for lefties. Using our scientific rating criteria, we ranked the best pens available.
- Pilot Precise V7. I have one of these in my pocket at all times. Versatile and affordable, the V7 is perfect for everything from a novel to a grocery list. Don’t take it on an airplane, however, as the differences in altitude and cabin pressure will cause some leakage. As long as you’re on solid ground, though, the Pilot V7 will remain a trusty friend your whole life long.
- The fancy pen you got as a graduation gift. Doesn’t it look nice on your desk? Don’t you feel like an author just looking at it? These are stylish, and will never run out of ink because you can’t bring yourself to actually use it.
- The pen you swiped from work. Why buy a box of pens for ten bucks when you can get the same model that your boss overpaid for, for free? Didn’t get that promotion? Then by God, you can recoup your lost salary one ink pen at a time.
- The complimentary pen from the swanky resort you stayed at. What, this old thing? I saw you staring at it. It must’ve accidentally fell into my suitcase as I was packing up when I took a holiday there. You should definitely go, but you know, they don’t let just anybody into Cabana Bay Motor Lodge at Universal Orlando.
- The quill pen from your wedding guest book. So elegant. A perfect compliment to your special day. The classic style reminds you of how beautiful she looked, and the feather evokes how your heart still soared whenever you saw her. But the thing about quill pens is that the ink, like your love, runs out far too quickly.
That sweet multicolor pen you had in sixth grade. This pen has six colors! You made some absolutely sick Spirographs with that baby back in the day. You drew a whole comic book with a single pen! But then Kaitlyn stole your thunder because her mom got her a pen with twelve colors.- Astronaut pen. It can write upside-down! Yes, that’s worth twenty-five bucks!
- Invisible ink pen. Perhaps growing up reading the Hardy Boys gave me unrealistic expectations of the ubiquity of invisible ink pens in real life, but when you need to leave clues that will uncover your terrible secret, accept no substitutes.
- The white, cap-less, dried-up Bic ball-point pen in your desk drawer that you can’t bring yourself to throw away. Once upon a time, this had blue ink, and still does if you shake the hell out of it and scrawl on a nearby napkin to get things flowing. You have lots of pens, and you don’t even remember how you got this one; why don’t you just throw it out? But we both know you can’t. And that’s why it’s ranked #2.
- A computer. Superior to pens in every way. I can write faster, more legibly, and the ink doesn’t smear. Anybody who uses anything else for a serious piece of writing is a chump. That’s why I used it to write this column. If you disagree, feel free to write your reply in ink in the comment box below.
Which pen do YOU think is the best? Make your case in the comments!
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About Bill Ferris
After college, Bill Ferris (he/him) left Nebraska for Florida to become a rich and famous rock star. Failing that, he picked up the pen to become a rich and famous novelist. He now lives in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, and looks forward to a life of poverty and ridicule.
In case anyone reading this blog is a fountain pen fan (and there are thousands of them, as indicated by FB groups, pen shows, etc.) then please check out my book Skylark and Wallcreeper which has a mysterious Montblanc pen from WW2 as a main character. And visit the Fountain Pen Hospital in New York City!
Computers are great, but don’t use whiteout on them.
/Learned that the hard way.
This is hilarious, Bill!
Thank you!
I know it’s not a pen, but could I give a tiny shout-out for my bitty pencil? Some would argue that it’s high maintenance because it needs eraser and sharpener (but then computers and their needs … where do we start?) My pencil is of the sensitive nature … needs to be used gently, or it cracks under the pressure. I tell you, it’s the most sacrificial of them all. Pencils give themselves all to the work.
I couldn’t help myself … just needed to take up the cause for the underdog :-)
I love this post. And pens. That’s all.
Hilarious post. I’m a left-handed writer, so pens and I have had a fraught relationship.
I’m left-handed too, and fountain pens were a revelation. The ink is thin, not thick and sticky like ballpoint ink, so it dries much faster.
I can write for three hours with a fountain pen and have not so much as a smudge of ink on my hand, but three hours with a ballpoint leaves me looking like I’ve been dipped in the stuff.
Fountain pens are more environmentally friendly, more aesthetically pleasing, come in a world of options (and that’s before you get into picking inks) – I can’t imagine ever going back to ballpoints.
I chuckled all through this post. Thanks for all the thoughts I have had about pens surfacing with humour.
What about the borrowed pen? You know the one, with a chewed pen cap that you forget about until you’re deep into plotting mode and it’s too late–you’ve gotten your taste of the chewed cap as well.
A lover of fountain pens, I too am left-handed, but fortunately an under-writer, so my hand doesn’t smear the ink. Part of the fun is cleaning and re-inking my pens. I suppose it corresponds to the pleasure a pipe smoker takes in fiddling with pipes.
Ha! I’m one of those pen lovers who loves this post, and who once wrote a blogpost on the topic of fountain pen envy:
https://readersunbound.com/?s=Fountain+Pen+Envy&submit=Search
correction: website is
backyardspectator.blogspot.com
My writing instrument puts me in the right mood. I like classic Papermates, Cross pens and mechanical pencils, and Pilot Varsity disposable fountain pens, which I use for book signing. Always gets comments!
Yes. I’m also a Lefty using fountain pens (quality is important, but even more important is the angle with which you hold the pen.
LOVE mechanical pencils, but I always need the thicker leads – # 7 or #9.
Hysterical, Bill. Lots of good snark amidst the truth.
Jan, notable collector of #7
For Christmas maybe 10 years ago, my son gave me the coolest pen – it is fire-engine red and is nestled in a little red & white tin case with an old car on it – like a 57 Chevy or some car like that – and on it reads: “Highway of writing” – it’s my all-time favorite pen.
Oh and yeah, it’s a lot like number 9 – laughing! :D I used to use it to sign books and now – well — anyway – la tee dah! Dang.
Pilot all the way! I love those. But arthritis made me get a Dr. Grip. Fat. But not the same.
I’m sorry, you write faster on a computer? By the time I have fixed all the typos in my sentence, added commas that I didn’t notice before, and found a better word to use than ‘thing’ I’ve completely lost my train of thought (fixed two typos just tyhp — 3 typos just typing this).
Thus my writing comes to an end. With a pen I scribble it out and keep on going.
Give me a good ole pen, even a pencil, in a pinch. And it has to be a fat one. No skinny little pens for me. Why cramp my hand?
For book signings, I have fun writing with a fountain pen. So elegant feeling. And yes, I have a fat one.
Just went to look for it. Okay, so it’s leaking. Hasn’t been used in a while . . . I get that . . .
Loved your post!
Wait, wait, wait. The PILOT pen explodes in AIRPLANES? I feel that’s enough of a let down to turn me entirely against them.
My company gave me a Cross pen for my first year. I didn’t know companies still did that. I’m using the heck out of it, and I feel my writing has elevated to godlike status. This could be an entirely biased comparison.
“…should not be used by…anybody.”
Genius.
You haven’t found Pen Paradise until you’ve written with a Uni Jetstream.
Lays down a dark line, doesn’t skip, leave blobs of ink, the black is really black, always writes on the first try, great for lefties. I usually use 0.7 but also comes in different point sizes. They are cheap! 6 pens for $9.
The Japanese know — and are very particular — about pens.
See more at jetpens.com which imo is the best choice for stationery. They have a wide selection and know what they’re talking about.
Also available at Amazon.
https://www.amazon.com/Jetstream-Standard-Ballpoint-Komainu-Dou-Original/dp/B00OJC2WN8/ref=sr_1_16?crid=185IN3HFG1JTX&dchild=1&keywords=uni+jetstream&qid=1595164467&sprefix=uni+jetstream%2Caps%2C521&sr=8-16
Just to be curious, I clicked on the Amazon link for those pens and found this in the product description:
“The low ink of writing frictional resistance is carried.”
Isn’t that charming?
Agree. I suspect it’s a translation from the Japanese.
The Pentel EnerGel Needle Tip is my favorite. It’s light, has a good rubberized grip, writes smoothly, dries quickly, and looks pretty good sticking out of your shirt pocket, too. Not the cheapest, but they don’t break the bank, either. Give ’em a try, and you just might become a fan.
At least during this pandemic, and probably after, you should definitely post more often. I need to develop my sense of humor as well as my pensmanship.