Trained by reading hundreds of submissions, editors and agents often make their read/not-read decision on the first page. In a customarily formatted book manuscript with chapters starting about 1/3 of the way down the page (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type), there are 16 or 17 lines on the first page.
Here’s the question:
Would you pay good money to read the rest of the chapter? With 50 chapters in a book that costs $15, each chapter would be “worth” 30 cents.
So, before you read the excerpt, take 30 cents from your pocket or purse. When you’re done, decide what to do with those three dimes or the quarter and a nickel. It’s not much, but think of paying 30 cents for the rest of the chapter every time you sample a book’s first page. In a sense, time is money for a literary agent working her way through a raft of submissions, and she is spending that resource whenever she turns a page.
Please judge by storytelling quality, not by genre or content—some reject an opening page immediately because of genre, but that’s not a good enough reason when the point is to analyze for storytelling strength.
This novel was number one on the New York Times hardcover fiction bestseller list for June 21, 2020. How strong is the opening—would it, all on its own, hook an agent if it came in from an unpublished writer?
Following are what would be the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter.
The morning one of the lost twins returned to Mallard, Lou LeBon ran to the diner to break the news, and even now, many years later, everyone remembers the shock of sweaty Lou pushing through the glass doors, chest heaving, neckline darkened with his own effort. The barely awake customers clamored around him, ten or so, although more would lie and say that they’d been there too, if only to pretend that this once, they’d witnessed something truly exciting. In that little farm town, nothing surprising ever happened, not since the Vignes twins had disappeared. But that morning in April 1968, on his way to work, Lou spotted Desiree Vignes walking along Partridge Road, carrying a small leather suitcase. She looked exactly the same as when she’d left at sixteen—still light, her skin the color of sand barely wet. Her hipless body reminding him of a branch caught in a strong breeze. She was hurrying, her head bent, and—Lou paused here, a bit of a showman—she was holding the hand of a girl, seven or eight, and black as tar.
“Blueblack,” he said. “Like she flown direct from Africa.”
Lou’s Egg House splintered into a dozen different conversations. The line cook wondered if it had been Desiree after all, since Lou was turning sixty in May and still too vain to wear his eyeglasses. The waitress said that it had to be—even a blind man could spot a Vignes girl and it certainly couldn’t have been that other one. The diners, abandoning grits and eggs on the counter, didn’t care about that Vignes foolishness—who on earth was the dark child? Could she (snip)
You can turn the page and read more here. Was the opening page of The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett compelling?
My vote: Yes.
This book received 4.6 out of 5 stars on Amazon. While this opening doesn’t exactly introduce us to a protagonist or peril or stakes or conflict, it surely does introduce us to a story that promises riches ahead. For me, strong story questions tumble out. Twins disappeared? Why? One is back? Why? Where is the other one? And what’s the story of the little girl with her? In short, what’s the story? Another strong example that proves there is no one right way to engage a reader.
What are your thoughts?
You’re invited to a flogging—your own You see here the insights fresh eyes bring to the performance of bestseller first pages, so why not do the same with the opening of your WIP? Submit your prologue/first chapter to my blog, Flogging the Quill, and I’ll give you my thoughts and even a little line editing if I see a need. And the readers of FtQ are good at offering constructive notes, too. Hope to see you there.
To submit, email your first chapter or prologue (or both) as an attachment to me, and let me know if it’s okay to use your first page and to post the complete chapter.
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About Ray Rhamey
Ray Rhamey is the author of four novels and one writing craft book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. He's also an editor of book-length fiction and designs book covers and interiors for Indie authors and small presses. His website, crrreative.com, offers an a la carte menu of creative services for writers and publishers. Learn more about Ray's books at rayrhamey.com.
This opening sounds like it belongs in John Grisham’s Ford County: Stories. I’m in.
Despite wishing for smoother sentences at the outset (e.g., “The customers” would have been just fine instead of “The barely awake customers,” which stutters), and noticing the lack of a time tag to show how many years have passed since the twins’ disappearance at age sixteen, so I have to stop and wonder, I’m intrigued enough to continue. The familiar small-town gossipy atmosphere, the implied contrast between the twins, the instant “shocker” of the black child attached to a pale woman, and the background murkiness about the twins’ long-ago vanishing provide enough unanswered questions to keep me reading–at least for a while. If the following pages don’t satisfy the promise of this opening, I’ll be disappointed.
Plenty of good story questions here, and the writing is engaging enough to make me want to read on. Intriguing start. (This is the first Flog a Pro I’ve said yes to for a long, long time.)
Succinct story questions pulled me in. I too, haven’t voted yes for a long time.
I not only said “yes,” I just ordered it. Thanks, Ray.
The buzz around this book is loud and unanimous and now that I’ve read the opening, well deserved. I tried to order it as part of my vow to read more books by black authors this year but it was out of stock so I’ll have to look forward to reading more in a few weeks. And not that this applies to the story itself, but like her previous book, The Mothers, it’s got a stunningly-beautiful cover.
A big YES from me. I haven’t voted yes to a selection in a long time, but this posed wonderful questions with superb writing that drew me in immediately.
Great example of how to pass a Flogging with flying colors.
Too many writers seem to think they’re choosing between their own kind of colorful build up and an immediate hook. This immerses us in the world and the style, but it’s a missing child. In fact it’s “one of the” missing twins, right from the first line, and it keeps bringing in more hooks without ever compromising its way of presenting it. Superb.
Yes from me.
I’m wary that this writer seems a bit long-winded, but they have definitely succeeded in filling the opening paragraphs with things to be intrigued about.
That struck me at first, too, Keith, but after a breath, I slid into the lengthy prose a little easier. I can be a bit long-winded, myself. Yada yada yada, peas and carrots, more yada, watermelon, watermelon, red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather, whether the weather is fair, or whether the weather is not, whether the weather is cool, or whether the weather is hot; whatever the weather, I’ll whether the weather, whether I like it or not. But I digest… 😁
Mike, I am SO stealing “But I digest…” – you have been warned.
Ha! That preceding paragraph was a mouthful. It deserved unbuttoning the pants and a good belch.
So far, the Yes to No ratio is about 75% to 25%. So far, no comments from those who voted No. But 25% is not insignificant.
Why so shy, nay-sayers? Are we who voted Yes all that intimidating? Come on—be brave! The last I heard, all opinions are welcome here.
I thought it was a little clunky and I skimmed it, but then I thought that wasn’t fair so I reread it. It still is clunky, but I want to know what’s next. So a yes for me.
Okay, so… I might have shortened the first few sentences or cut them up, since they seem to run on a bit, but I’m guessing that the author was trying to emote urgency, and that’s why the sentences are longer instead of cut up. The thing that made my eyebrow raise was the line “In that little farm town, nothing surprising ever happened, not since the Vignes twins had disappeared.” Well… tell me more, and goodness I hope you don’t leave that hanging there! That’s why I’d read more! (By the way, I didn’t look to see the book or who wrote it before I read that excerpt. I still want to read her book The Mothers for which I was denied an ARC.)
Perhaps I’m not in the right mindset, but I was not pulled in. The missing twin was overshadowed by the lengthy description of a sweaty man, the diner, the patrons. Coupled with run-on sentences that make me antsy for the meat of the tale, I stopped reading.
Someone mentioned the votes are about 25% against, but I never saw a place to vote. Where is that?
If I could vote, it would be NO, though a very much qualified no. This is not a bad opening nor a badly written one. It certainly raises questions. I was anxious to know more about the twins’ disappearance. I made the assumption that years had passed before the one returned, but that turned out not to be true. That was the one real fault: not establishing how much time had elapsed. At any rate, I can see why this would be appealing to some.
I say “No” because the gossipy, wandering style of narrative would make me crazy in fairly short order. I could not read a whole book like that.
You should have seen a poll box right at the end of the narrative sample. Sometimes it doesn’t show up, may be a browser function. But you registered an opinion anyway, and that’s very welcome. Thanks.
Thanks, Ray! Must be my browser (Edge). I’ll try a different one next time.
My yes was hesitant. I’m tired of reading novels where my editorial side jumps out and calls attention to errata and awkwardness. The 40-odd words of the first sentence was nearly a turn-off for me. But the small town gossipy tone is a hook. And I bit.