Trained by reading hundreds of submissions, editors and agents often make their read/not-read decision on the first page. In a customarily formatted book manuscript with chapters starting about 1/3 of the way down the page (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type), there are 16 or 17 lines on the first page.
Here’s the question:
Would you pay good money to read the rest of the chapter? With 50 chapters in a book that costs $15, each chapter would be “worth” 30 cents.
So, before you read the excerpt, take 30 cents from your pocket or purse. When you’re done, decide what to do with those three dimes or the quarter and a nickel. It’s not much, but think of paying 30 cents for the rest of the chapter every time you sample a book’s first page. In a sense, time is money for a literary agent working her way through a raft of submissions, and she is spending that resource whenever she turns a page.
Please judge by storytelling quality, not by genre or content—some reject an opening page immediately because of genre, but that’s not a good enough reason when the point is to analyze for storytelling strength.
This novel was number two on the New York Times hardcover fiction bestseller list for April 18, 2020. How strong is the opening—would it, all on its own, hook an agent if it came in from an unpublished writer?
Following are what would be the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter.
Sunday morning begins out here in the oil patch, a few minutes before dawn, with a young roughneck stretched out and sleeping hard in his pickup truck. Shoulders pressed against the driver’s side door, boots propped up on the dashboard, he wears his cowboy hat pulled down far enough that the girl sitting outside on the dusty ground can see only his pale jaw. Freckled and nearly hairless, it is a face that will never need a daily shave, no matter how old he gets, but she is hoping he dies young.
Gloria Ramírez holds herself perfectly still, she is a downed mesquite branch, a half-buried stone, and she imagines him facedown in the dust, lips and cheeks scoured by sand, his thirst relieved only by the blood in his mouth. When he startles and shifts roughly against the truck door, she holds her breath and watches his jaw clench, the muscle working bone against bone. The sight of him is a torment and she wishes again that his death will come soon, that it will be vicious and lonely, with nobody to grieve for him.
The sky turns purple in the east, then blue-black, then old-bucket slate. In a few minutes it will be stained orange and red, and if she looks, Gloria will see the land stretched tight beneath the sky, brown stitched to blue, same as always. It is a sky without end, and the best thing about West Texas, when you can remember to look at it. She will miss it when she goes. Because she can’t stay here, not after this.
You can turn the page and read more here.
Was the opening page of Valentine by Elizabeth Wetmore compelling?
My vote: Yes!
This book received 4.1 out of 5 stars on Amazon. For this reader, this was one of the more captivating openings we’ve looked at. Lots of strong story questions raised plus a sympathetic character who seem to be in serious trouble.
I liked the writing and imagery, and the scene is well set. I have a clear picture of where we are. There is considerable tension here created by the wishes of harm Gloria imagines for the cowboy and what feels to me like her fear of what will happen when he awakens. If I were to wish for anything more that would increase tension, it would be adding the fact that the girl is just fourteen years old. I may actually have to buy this one.
What are your thoughts?
You’re invited to a flogging—your own You see here the insights fresh eyes bring to the performance of bestseller first pages, so why not do the same with the opening of your WIP? Submit your prologue/first chapter to my blog, Flogging the Quill, and I’ll give you my thoughts and even a little line editing if I see a need. And the readers of FtQ are good at offering constructive notes, too. Hope to see you there.
To submit, email your first chapter or prologue (or both) as an attachment to me, and let me know if it’s okay to use your first page and to post the complete chapter.
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About Ray Rhamey
Ray Rhamey is the author of four novels and one writing craft book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. He's also an editor of book-length fiction and designs book covers and interiors for Indie authors and small presses. His website, crrreative.com, offers an a la carte menu of creative services for writers and publishers. Learn more about Ray's books at rayrhamey.com.
I’m with you, Ray.
The pacing of the descriptions works wonders in pulling me into the rustic in the same ways my Grandfather’s Louis L’Amour books did.
“The sky turns purple in the east, then blue-black, then old-bucket slate. In a few minutes it will be stained orange and red, and if she looks, Gloria will see the land stretched tight beneath the sky, brown stitched to blue, same as always.”
Usually I am poised and ready to beat the daylights out of the current best-seller. No so today.
These first lines orient the reader immediately to time, place, characters, mood, and mystery, without the irrelevant and confusing details that so often appear in the flogging-worthy openings. Questions appear right away: Who is Gloria, what is her desire, why is she apprehensive? What is she planning and why? Who will be the executioner, if indeed this young fellow is destined to die? Or will he escape death? Not the least (unless it is unimportant, which I doubt because all other specifics appear to have been placed by a careful and competent writer), why will he never need a daily shave: mixed-up genes? early accident that left the hair follicles permanently nonfunctional?
Cowboy yarns are not my usual fare, but I’m ready to read this one. Ray, is this your pandemic gift?
Just got lucky with this one. It’s a gift from the author.
Ray, I can’t tell you how much I love Flog a Pro and look forward to it! This is one of the few we’ve flogged that is going on my TBR list.
My first synaptic burst was ‘overwritten?” and then I went “heck yeah, I’m voting yes on this flog” because you can’t open a book better than having one character wishing for another one to die and to die violently, “his thirst relieved only by the blood in his mouth.” Caught me hook, line, and sinker and definitely reading on.
I voted yes, too, for all the reasons mentioned — that description of the sky is terrific. My one hesitation is that I’d want to flip ahead and know that this is a prologue, b/c I don’t usually enjoy present tense, esp violent scenes in present tense, but I can take it in a prologue or an occasional short interlude.
This is the first chapter, not a prologue. I once asked an agent if it a narrative in the first tense was a turn-off for agents. She said no, as long as the story was strong, it wasn’t. My latest two novels are in present tense, and I enjoy it.
Yeah!
This scene is almost playing chicken with the usual Flogging hazards. It’s slow, moody, all about description… and yet it USES that texture to fuse us with a character in real trouble. It doesn’t say what that trouble is yet, but just tying it to her fear and hatred of her enemy makes it clear this story is going somewhere.
(Even though it leaves out that she’s fourteen. But that’ll probably come up soon, and at this point there’s no doubt we’ll read far enough to find it out.)
I voted yes and I’m not a fan of present tense.
There’s a lot to like about the writing and the story sounds intriguing, but punctuation and POV errors kept me from getting immersed. For instance, if the roughneck is in his pickup with his back to the door, how could someone sitting on the ground see any of his face, hat or no hat?
I was okay with her seeing his face with his back to the door. Since his shoulders are on the door, it’s plausible that his head was visible. If the girl sits at the right angle to the trick, she could indeed see the side of his head and part of his jaw.
This was a yes from me, too. Compelling, evocative, loads of story questions, and with a voice as big as Texas.
Yes for me. The place, the tension, the sky almost as angry as the girl.
A big yes for me – going to order it now. And the other thing that was interesting to me was that I’m a big Instagram Bookstagrammer, pretty much get exposed to all the new books coming out through endless marketing posts and I’ve never heard of this one, though you say it’s number two on the best-seller list. Hopefully this post will bring it to more people’s attention because from this opening, it looks to be terrific.
I was surprised to see a #2 bestseller that I’ve never heard of. Terrific opening! I’m placing a hold on it at the library right now.
Definite yes. The setting is so well drawn I immediately recognized the place. I should since Odessa is my hometown.
As for the opening, I think it would’ve added a bit if we’d known the girl was only fourteen, but to me her fear was palpable. I immediately wondered why she didn’t run away. It’s obvious the pale, freckled roughneck has done something horrible. Several questions came to my mind all at once. Naturally, I kept reading.
Now, I have to confess, I’ve already bought this book. The writing is like a mixture of three of my favorite authors: Larry McMurtry, Elmer Kelton, and Cormac McCarthy. What more could a reader want?
Yup. As others have noted, it’s one of the strongest ones I’ve seen in this series.
The author had me in one paragraph – particularly because of how that paragraph ends, after lulling us with a lyrically descriptive passage about the lower part of a sleeping man’s face:
“…but she is hoping he dies young.”
Damn. Oh, yeah – I’m in.
Super fun post. I sorta want this to be a regular thing here… NYT bestseller books that we get to vote on if we’d continue reading. This was like a game for me. I tried to guess which book it was before I “turned the page.” I will be visiting your FLOGGING THE QUILL, Ray!
Oh, and P.S. I voted yes! I am all-in for all things Texas.
This is a regular thing here. Every third Thursday. Check the archives for many more. Hope to see you again.
I was one of the few who voted no. I do think it is well written, and there were lots of good questions that piqued my interest, but I just couldn’t connect with it. Maybe I’ve got darkness fatigue, but when it was clear that the girl wanted the guy to die because he’d harmed her in some way, I didn’t want to read anymore. What can I say…
Same here, for the same reasons!
Yes for me.
I have one criticism, though. The line “..and If she looks, Gloria will see…” pulled me out of the girl’s POV to that of some omniscient narrator. That didn’t seem necessary. The scene could have been described through her eyes.