If my life were a reality show, this would be the part where I’d sit alone in a darkened room—just me and the camera. I’d speak in hushed, urgent tones. This is where I’d spill my guts and tell you my deepest darkest fears.
Confession 1: My writing is at a low point, and I am in a flat panic
I miss the feeling of being lost in my writing, of being in the zone—I haven’t felt like that in a while. I wake up every morning with an empty feeling inside, longing to feel lost in a story like I used to. Some mornings I feel so bad about it, I want to cry. I shuffle downstairs, make coffee, and look at my writing projects, jumping from project to project. I want to write. I do write. But not with excitement or passion. And I want that feeling back.
Confession 2: I feel like a fraud
I have one self-published novel. I’ve written five others, eight if you count the three middle grade novels I wrote in another life, nine if you count the thing I wrote when I was right out of college. “I’m a writer,” I tell people. But the truth is I don’t feel like that myself. I feel like I’m not good enough. Imposter syndrome is alive and well and lives deep within my heart and mind. I fear my ideas are trite and clichéd (I know this is true for at least some of my ideas because an agent told me so at a conference once). I’m afraid I can’t really write anything that anyone would want to read.
Confession 3: I’m afraid I’ll never be (traditionally) published
The query process is long and demoralizing—I’ve queried three novels unsuccessfully—and I’ve just about decided to put the only novel I am querying in the drawer (I’m waiting to hear from one last agent; I’ve queried over one hundred). I was represented once (the novel never sold), I’ve had a near miss with two R&R’s, and I was offered representation another time but turned it down (our visions for my novel were miles apart). The positive in this (if I must find one), is that now it’s a lot easier. I have done what experts suggest: I don’t think about it after I send a query. Still, I’m afraid I’ll never again be offered representation. Worse than that, I’m afraid I’ll never be traditionally published.
Confession 4: Writing this post was damn hard
It was hard laying it out. All my fears. Admitting that not only do I feel like I’m failing at writing but also at the querying process and at getting published. I want to be brave, but I’m not always. I’m rarely honest about how I feel with my writing accountability partners or even with my husband or kids about how worried I am all the time about how much I want this. I’m rarely honest with myself. The truth is I wrote the first version of this post a while ago, but I was afraid to publish it—I’m afraid other writers will realize I really am a fraud. Or maybe I’m afraid I’ll jinx myself.
Confession 5: I’ll never give up
It’s another writing day. Early morning. The time I’d usually be writing. My final confession is that even when I can’t write very much or very well or don’t have the passion I used to, I miss it and can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve tried. I’ve even considered quitting, most recently during this last querying cycle. I thought about giving up completely.
But the truth is I don’t want to.
Instead I turn inwardly for encouragement and solace, for ways to combat my fears and inabilities, and here’s what I’ve come up with:
- Be kind to myself. Practice mindfulness. Let the fear wash through me and let it go.
- Spend lots of time thinking and acknowledge that thinking about writing is part of the writing process. Embrace all new ideas.
- Open myself up to my positive writer friends. Allow myself to dismiss my own negative thoughts and also the negativity of others.
- Step away from social media. It exposes me to too much negativity. But if I do stumble and fall back into it, don’t be too hard on myself.
- Write. Write. Write.
Shut off the camera. Cut to real life.
So. Tell me. What’s your deepest darkest fear? And what are you going to do about it? The camera’s rolling.
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About Julia Munroe Martin
Julia Munroe Martin (@jmunroemartin) is a writer and blogger who lives in an old house in southern coastal Maine. Julia's other passion is photography, and if she's not writing at the dining room table or a local coffeeshop, you'll likely find her on the beach or dock taking photos. Julia writes The Empty Nest Can Be Murder mystery series as J. M. Maison.
Thank you for this raw and important post, Julia! I’ve been there, and when it comes to the empty feeling and the self doubts, I’m sure I will be again. Yet, we write on…big love to you!
Thanks for your kind words and love, Jess — so appreciated. I think you’re right, writing on is the only answer. It’s very nice to share the feelings and know others have been where I am.
Julia, when I read your post, my first thought was “Use that fear. Read Jess and Shannon’s post from Sunday, and use that fear to make the WIP deeper, darker, richer.” Whether you use your fear as content, as Shannon did, or as motivation, as Jess did, the passion it will give you will take your work the next step.
And that’s why we write, right?
Thank you for the suggestion, Leslie — I have only read a small bit of Jess and Shannon’s post, but I will read the rest. It is my hope that I will be able to use the fear in some way… but of course my fear is that it will just hold me back… Thank you again and I will read tonight!
I admire your persistence, and wouldn’t it make a great story if that last agent proved to be the right one? Fingers crossed!
I think my own biggest fear is simply that I am not good enough. No matter how many books on craft I read, how much research I do, how long I work with an editor, how good the feedback from beta readers is, perhaps I am the Florence Foster Jenkins of writing. Not as much imposter syndrome as “but what if I REALLY am an imposter, and everyone but me will find out” syndrome.
Thanks for your encouragement (fingers crossed here, as always). Ugh, so sorry for the “what if I REALLY am an imposter & everyone will find me out” syndrome. Thanks for sharing your fears — here’s to writing through.
Julia, my friend, you are brave, and you should keep writing, and you will find your excitement again. I’m so glad to hear that you’re not going to give up. We all have these fears–all of us. The part that counts is that you face them. <3
Thank you, Annie — I don’t feel brave most days, but I am facing the fear and I do keep writing (or thinking about it!). Your kindness and support is much appreciated! <3
My deepest fear about writing is that I just don’t have it in me to write something people will want to read. I’m not worried about the skills; I know I can master that part. But if the stories just aren’t there, I’m not sure there’s any way to learn that.
What am I going to do about it? Write anyway. Lately, I’ve been focusing on short stories. I write, and I revise, and I send them out. I give myself a sparkly smile sticker for every rejection I get, and then I send the story back out somewhere else. I write down any positive comments in the rejection, and I read over that list when I feel discouraged.
And I keep living my life. Maybe a few of the hard lessons I’ve been learning this year will someday help me grow some stories people will want to read.
Laura… I can’t believe you’re fearful that you don’t have it in you to write what people would like to read. Your ideas are such unique and lovely gems. And your enthusiasm for them takes them even deeper. “I keep living my life” are words to live and write by, and I hold that sound advice and your sparkles in my heart. Thank you for your support, wise comments, and for being you. You are one in a million <3
Hugs, hugs, and more hugs, Julia. I am so sorry that you no longer feel the joy, that you are assailed with doubts and fears. I’m right there with you. And yet, we press on, writing new stories, polishing old ones. Keep the hope and the faith and the love will return.
Right now my biggest fear is that my first novel–Bound–that I just self-published will tank. I suddenly realize how woefully unprepared I was for the marketing, never really having had to worry about before, given I write for the school/library market. So I’m trying not to give in to the fear and being faithful to what I know I can do, which is to write the next book.
Thank you for your kind comments and support, Vijaya; the solidarity with other writers is so comforting. I hear you about your fear of marketing… I have not done a good job at all of marketing my indie book. Luckily there are lots of resources to help us do better at it. And yes, writing the next book is so critical, too — I need to press on…
Thank you, Julia, for writin’ it like it is for all of us, at times. You’ve not only outlined the personal challenges of this writing life, you’ve given us an antidote to get through the mucky-mind seasons.
As I sit here another morning, wondering if I’ll ever get my new web site up and running, finish editing my novel (for the umpteenth time) to begin querying agents, and deal with the whole aging process . . . I’ve thought why bother? But it always comes back to . . . I have to write. As everyone in this community knows so well, we are drawn inexplicably to putting our words “out there.”
Your posts enlighten and encourage–this one is no exception. Thanks again for having the courage to be so honest and vulnerable.
I’m glad you’re encouraged by me — because you encourage me as well. I love what you wrote:
“….I’ve thought why bother? But it always comes back to . . . I have to write. As everyone in this community knows so well, we are drawn inexplicably to putting our words “out there.” …”
Yes. Thank you for that. It’s so true. And every time I waste a day, I feel like I need to do better the next… <3
Every writer has thoughts like this, so true. I like your No. 5, Write, Write, Write but that needs to be No. 1 on the list. This business is all about readership as much as it is about writing. Being traditionally published or agented are not the measurements. If we want readers for what we write, we have to go out there and get them any way we can. I just got another rejection of one of my short stories that I’ve been peddling around for 2 years. The story made the top 55 cut out of 700 but didn’t make the top 12 selected for the anthology. Yep, I was disappointed … again, but I must continue to send it out because there is an audience out there somewhere. I have 3 novels published (self and indie pubbed) that ride the roller coaster of sales, and two other short stories that are making rounds. And I’m finishing a new short story. Write, write, write because that’s how to keep the wheels moving forward and how to stay motivated to keep finding readers. Do what you love! All the best, Julia. You are on an exciting path.
Thank you, Paula! I really needed to be reminded of that… Writing in number one. And it’s what keeps the wheels moving and keeps me motivated. Thank you for the pep talk. I appreciate it so much!
Thanks for this, Julia. I have, at one point or another, felt all of this. Currently my fears are two-fold.
First, I too have been flitting from one project to the next, never really settling down into the glorious flow of drafting a new novel for over a year. I am finally feeling a bit of it again with a short story I’m drafting, but it is slow going. I am trying to enjoy that pace.
Second, I’m worried about the reception of my first book, which will come out in January. It took me two manuscripts and nearly 200 queries over the course of three or four years to get an agent. Then it took a year and a half to sell the book. The ratio of people who have loved it to people who were more on the “meh, not for me” side of things has me thinking that the people who say they like it (my agent, my editor, early readers, some endorsers) either have poor taste or they are just saying nice things to protect my feelings. I know this is irrational, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking that perhaps it just isn’t all that good after all.
Which is why I want to be neck deep in creating something new that I love and that no one else has read yet (see also: first fear).
Congrats on the book!! That’s really awesome. I will look forward to reading it. But, boy can I relate to your first fear, Erin — we are, unfortunately, twins on this one. And I love the way you describe it:
“Which is why I want to be neck deep in creating something new…”
EXACTLY. That feeling of all encompassing involvement absolutely makes everything more bearable and doable.
Thank you!
Oh how I’ve been there, and on some days still am. Being completely honest about our doubts and fears is a very hard thing to do, so you are very much a giant in my eyes. The way I found peace with all the worry and self-doubt and feeling of loss was to learn to think differently about it all. When I began writing with the intent to publish, I started out with a writing cohort who were all in about the same place. Now the cohort is all in different places and stages of their own journeys, and I’m not at all where I hoped I’d be on my journey! Changing my perspective about myself, my writing and my personal writing journey has been a tough transition to make in my own head. What has helped me most is a book called Fearless Writing by William Kenower. I haven’t even read the whole thing, but the chapters I did read (the book is totally set up to use each chapter individually) helped get me back on some even ground and figure out how to enjoy writing again. Thank you for your honesty, because I think there are probably many people out there who can relate, even if they don’t feel they can say it. :)
I just ordered Fearless Writing — thank you for the rec! — I would love to be able to disrupt some of the ways I think about myself and my writing. Thank you! I’m so glad you learned how to enjoy writing again and got on more even ground. As for your kind words that being honest is a hard thing to do, I am truly at a desperate point that it’s all I know might help… getting support from other writers. Thank you again!
I hope it helps! :D
My deepest darkest fear is I will become a best-selling novelist after I am dead and won’t be around to enjoy it!. Seriously, I share many of the same worries since I have yet to find an agent.
A bit of advice I’ve received along the way that might be useful. My mom (not a writer but a voracious reader): You have to write at least 5 novels before you get noticed. I am going with the idea that self-publishing counts. My dad: You will never know if you don’t try. My husband: If you don’t enjoy it, stop.
I have the opposite of writer’s block – tons of new ideas daily that I struggle to keep up with and am tempted to run off with. But I make myself sit still and focus to get the painfully dull stuff out of the way. Writing imaginative stories is still what I look forward to (like a dark chocolate chip cookie) and querying the worst (a taste of smelly durian). But even that is survivable!
Good luck and keep writing, Karen
Oh, Karen, believe me, I’ve had your greatest fear too (of becoming a renowned writer after my death). Your family sounds wonderfully supportive and very kind. I appreciate the advice you’ve passed along. It’s important to surround myself with that POV. Sounds like you’re in a good place right now… too many ideas is a challenge in a good way especially since you are sitting and focusing. Way to go! Thank you for your encouragement and support!
This is a completely necessary and Big-T Truth kind of post, and it’s exactly what I needed today, because I feel things like this all the time too. Thank you, and hang in there, knowing you aren’t alone.
So glad to hear I’m not alone and that I provided you something you needed today — hearing that really helps. And THANK you for saying my post was a “Big-T Truth kind of post,” you made my day!!
I don’t think a day goes by when I don’t feel that my work isn’t good enough. That *I’m* not good enough. True confession: when I sit down to work on the new story, part of me wonders what it would feel like to quit – to completely stop writing. And that thought is firmly centered in my feel of failing.
What gets me through that is kind of bizarre. If I completely screw up and write a terrible story, it won’t matter because no one will read it. So no one will know how much of a loser I am.
If the stakes are so low, it doesn’t matter if I can’t pull it off. And if I keep pushing through the story, maybe it won’t completely suck after all.
{{{{hugs}}}}
I will happily take your hugs, thank you Lisa! I am pretty stunned by your true confession — that you feel like your work, like you are not good enough. You are wonderful. And your writing is wonderful. Like me, your feelings must spring from an internal fear, not reality… and it does make me feel better knowing that people like you who I respect so much still feel that way. I mean that in the best of ways. Thank you for sharing your confessions. Means so much. <3 Hugs back!!!!
Julia, does your weariness have anything to do with the fact that the new idea you wrote about in your last post was so far out of your comfort zone? I remember your trepidation in approaching it, and the myriad questions that came up for you.
The late Gary Provost used to read a quote on the opening night of his workshop from the cartoonist/satirist Jules Pfeiffer:
I felt like a fraud, so I learned to fly an airplane. At fifty thousand feet, I thought, “A fraud is flying an airplane.” So, I crossed the Atlantic in a rowboat. I docked at Cherbourg. I thought, “A fraud has crossed the Atlantic in a rowboat,” so I took a space shot to the moon. On the way home I thought, “A fraud has circled the moon.” So, I took a full-page ad in the newspaper and I confessed to the world that I was a fraud. I read the ad and I thought, “A fraud is pretending to be honest.”
He was trying to let all of us know it was okay to feel like a fraud, and not to ever let that feeling stop us from writing.
The thing about ideas being trite and cliché is true of all of us, I think. What takes your writing out of the realm of trite and cliché, is what you do with that idea, what you bring to it that no other person can bring, because no other person has exactly your experiences and truths.
That, to me, is the toughest part of writing. Finding the courage to write my understanding, my truth. When I do, that’s when I feel excited about my writing. It sure doesn’t happen all the time, but when it does, I know it.
Thanks for sharing your difficulties. Somehow we seem to learn more from each other’s problems than successes!
Thank you, Carol. It does seem to be true that we learn more from each other’s problems than from successes — I was thinking about that after I wrote the post, wondering about it. And I think it may be that through reading about others’ fears of failing or confessions of inadequacy, we can see the shared humanity. Much like I learned in journalism school about writing human interest stories — through those shared trials and tribulations we learn what it means to be human and draws us closer.
I love that Gary Provost quote — thank you for sharing it! Unfortunately my new idea being outside my comfort zone is one more symptom rather than a cause. I feel trepidation in approaching it because of where I am….. the new idea did not cause the trepidation. I feel the fear and lack of passion as I approach all new projects. And that’s the problem… Does that make sense?
Thanks again for your encouragement and support — it’s so very appreciated. <3
Everything you wrote makes sense, Julia. In fact, I went back and re-read your post and all of the comments and your responses and felt what a profound sense of loss you are experiencing.
It feels like being Intensely absorbed in a magical relationship and then suddenly it’s over; you are left with the despairing awareness that things have changed and may never be the same again.
Maybe that’s true, maybe it isn’t. As I re-read what you’ve written it felt to me like a deeply passionate outpouring on your part. The post and your responses to comments are not without passion!
I ache for your feelings of loss, and the desire to get the excitement/passion back in some recognizable way. I wish I could better express what I mean, as this still feels like I’ve not quite got it right – I believe in you and in your work. We don’t always see the path ahead of us, but it is there.
>>>It feels like being Intensely absorbed in a magical relationship and then suddenly it’s over; you are left with the despairing awareness that things have changed and may never be the same again.<<<
Exactly. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
When I can’t write, I study. Refresh your writing knowledge with a book on writing craft.
Two of my favorites are Stein on Writing by Sol Stein and anything by Donald Maas. Either will give you an excellent new direction to attack your writing.
Or,
Write a short story and enter a contest with NO expectations of winning.
Hope this helps.
I love, “When I can’t write, I study.” Thank you for the recommendations — I’ve not read Stein on Writing (Maas, yes!) and will order. I don’t write a lot of short fiction, but that’s a great idea to write and enter a contest without an expectation of winning. This helps a LOT. Thank you, Brian!
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, but I do believe it will be temporary. I have put my writing aside for a while and threatened to quit altogether, but I don’t believe I will. I believe it will come back, I’m just focusing on my photography right now. It’s sometimes a good thing for me to step away for a while. You’ll figure it out.
I hope you’re right that it’s temporary, Christine. I think that’s fabulous that you’re focusing on your photography — I agree it’s a good thing to step away for a while. I hope I do figure it out; what I don’t want is to just slip into not doing it but make whatever I do a conscious decision, as you have. We’ve been in this together for a while now, and I’m very glad to have your company. xox
I have no fears. That is because I have nothing to lose. My hopes, dreams and identity do not depend on whether or not I am traditionally published.
See, I’ve been traditionally published. Twenty times. (Under other names.) It’s validating, sure, but you know what? The happiness that brings is like an ice cream sundae: a sugar rush that doesn’t last.
Nowadays, I write to challenge myself. Am I a fraud? Certainly. So what? Everyone is. Where I am honest is in knowing what I do not know (yet) how to do. I have finished two novels in the last several years and both “failed”. Failed? They are on the shelf. Not good enough? No, just not ready. I have not (yet) figured out how to make them work.
But…who cares? I am doing what I love. I am learning. I am taking my fiction to places I’ve never been before, and if I don’t exactly know the way then mastering the map and compass is part of the fun. I am loving the journey.
If the goal is to get an agent and a contract, it’s going to be a hard road full of heartache. If the goal is to write, then every day is a success. Keep writing. Forget the rest. Today is a good day. If your fingers are flying over the keyboard, you are no fraud. You are a writer and that is the best validation you can get.
Thank you, Benjamin — Your thoughts and advice are very much appreciated. “Today is a good day…. as long as my fingers are flying over the keyboard,” as you say, and I envy you that… the days that are not good days for me is when I can’t find that feeling. I need to get back to loving the journey — that’s a perfect way to describe what I miss most. And to find a way to do that. Here’s to finding the inner validation again.
All your fears and frustrations seem to flow from other people: what they think of your work, and of you. Is that appropriate?
If you write for a living, of course it is. But it sounds like you don’t need income from your writing to keep the lights lit.
If you write for affirmation and esteem, of course it is. But then you need to consider, are you a talented shortstop trying to make it in the NBA? That is, are your talents a good match to your current ambitions.
But if money and self-esteem aren’t your motives, if you’re writing because you love to write, then stop fearing what other people think. Don’t ignore it: it’s all grist for the mill. Don’t stop querying: why not share what you love?
Your works are your children. What matters more, that they get six-figure jobs or that you love them and are proud of them?
My multi-book half-million-word-so-far series is a labor of love. I love thinking about, talking about it with friends, reading it, revising it, writing more of it, imagining query letters for it. Maybe some year (like in decade, when I retire) it will be ready for actual querying. But until then, like a beloved child, I’ll just keep loving it and working to make it better. And if it never leaves the nest, I’ll still have all the joy it has brought me.
Thank you — what you say is true, that I really need to do it for love. That’s what I truly long for. I think yes that I’ve spoken of outside influencers (people) in this post, but my first confession was about the wanting fall back in love with the writing… that I lack the passion I used to have. And that’s the number one issue, just getting that joy and love back that you describe. It’s the best thing ever, I totally agree. (The other things are fears and worries, yes, but are more controllable when the passion is flowing). So happy you have that joy and love alive and well!!
Julia, all those fears, all those frustrations, all those heart clenchings from the dank cellar of writer’s doom, they are mine as well. Sucks.
I’ll ride yet on a couple of quotes from that cheery optimist, Samuel Beckett:
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.”
“Where I am, I don’t know, I’ll never know, in the silence you don’t know, you must go on, I can’t go on, I’ll go on.”
And now I must return to my regularly scheduled morning breakdown.
I appreciate the encouragement and commiseration, Tom. Those are great quotes, and they really do make me feel less alone in *my* morning breakdowns. Thank you.
Julia, great post today. I share many of your doubts and fears.
Benjamin’s comment above about having nothing to lose reminds me of some advice I heard in a workshop by writer Ivan Coyote at the Surrey International Writers Conference.
Coyote too once had fears about never being published but was told by fellow writer Eileen Cook, “I hate to break it to you Ivan but you’re ALREADY not published.” And suddenly, freedom!
Lol. Nothing to lose indeed!
Over the years I’ve learned that diving into the craft books, etc, does not help MY fears. I’m not afraid of not having the skills. I know I will continue to build them.
I’m afraid I’m not a good enough storyteller.
It helps to stay off social media and instead immerse myself in others’ stories by reading, and watching movies and TV. It reminds me people make all sorts of wacky ideas work. And also to stop worrying about being unique — there is very little truly “new” under the sun, as they say. . We can’t be fearful of putting our own spin on “tired” tales.
Your words are really helpful as I read them this morning; I think we have similar fears and worries and influencers. Yes to staying off social media. Totally messes with my head! I also know you’re right on about watching movies and reading and working to stop the worry about trying to be new. Really appreciate your comment, Sheri… and yes nothing to lose so I need to just forge on! Thank you!
I love the article and feel so much the same even with several traditionally published books behind me. I decided this morning to stop giving handfuls of my time to fear and just know that’s part of it and give the time to writing. And we all have times when we don’t write, and that is the time of refilling. So walk by the beach! It just needs a little time to grow in the secret place within you!
I think I assume that if I had a traditionally published book I’d never feel this way — but I know from your comment and other writers I know that this is not necessarily the case. I love what you say about deciding to “stop giving handfuls of my time to fear…” that’s exactly what I need to do, too. Thank you for your encouraging words, Stephanie, I really needed them. I appreciate your comment so much! (Off to the beach… xox) Edited to add: I just downloaded Claude & Camille — I love Monet and the book description and your description of the writing sounds fascinating!)
Julia, thanks for opening a vein. Being here with you helps me get back to the keyboard, because I understand your feelings. They are often my own. I just spoke on the phone with an old friend and when I mentioned my writing (only in passing) there was not a question or a comment from her. Here we understand. On the outside, people who don’t write fail to get the notes and ideas, the excitement one day and the let-down the next. If I didn’t have my writing, where would I be? I’d be reading a novel and thinking “That’s what I want to do.” So here I am, always. Take care, Beth
I know what you mean — one of the wonderful things about writer friends is that they really do get it and don’t think it’s weird to talk about these things. So here I am, too… thanks for understanding and take care, Julia
I’ve shared here before that I once stopped writing for twelve or thirteen years, but in truth I never stopped at all. I wrote page after page of notes that never went anywhere. Even though I felt trapped in my own hellish infinite loop, I knew it was impossible to just give up. Often I *thought* I wanted to.
After that, I finally wrote two more novels in my mystery series and am now struggling mightily to birth another beast of a book, most of the time telling myself that I have no idea what I’m doing. In my case, getting traditionally published has never seemed to alter my essential relationship with my work one iota…
So I don’t know. But I do think that you have written an important and courageous post, Julia. I’ve tried many of the suggestions given above, such as reading books for inspiration (I agree that you might enjoy William Kenower’s Fearless Creating). Other than that, I try to remember that I am creating much of the drama in my own mind and that I can choose to write a new story instead.
Thank you for your thoughts, S.K, so very appreciated! I really can relate to all you say, and I especially love this:
“Other than that, I try to remember that I am creating much of the drama in my own mind and that I can choose to write a new story instead.”
I think this makes so much sense, and it’s one of my daily mantras. It really is a construct in my mind, but as I’m choosing to write instead, it’s hard to dismiss the feelings. Here’s to getting there. Thanks again for the comment!
Thank you, Julia, for voicing these agonies.
My biggest fear is that after innumerable false starts stretching out of sight behind me, my next start (and the one after, and the one after) will join them.
Hi Anna, thank you for your comment — and I definitely know what you mean. Although I completed my last project, I put it in the drawer without anyone ever reading it (first time I’ve done that) and the project before that was a false start. Now I’ve had one after another, too. It’s a terrible, sinking feeling. Here’s to the continuation and passion for our next starts. It truly is an agony. <3
Wow, Julia, the Empty Nest IS Murder. When I faced it 10 years ago, I decided to write for children. Since then, every not-at-my office-job minute was spent writing, and submitting with no success. With my novel in the drawer, I looked for other creative outlets. I bought fabric to make my first quilt, but left it in a bag while a photographed all my collections and blogged about them for 10 months. But my novel refused to be shut away, so I self-published. As my book birthday approaches next month, I curl into a post-partum depression and watch old movies. My next attempt to fill the Empty Nest may have nothing to do with writing, but everything to do with creativity.
Hi Mary, Thank you for your comment — the empty nest really is murder — and definitely my least favorite phase of life. I think that at least for that part of this writing problem (I don’t think it’s all about the empty nest but maybe a part), a lot of what I’m going through (and maybe you?) is a searching process, whether it’s an outwardly physical process of “what to do” or whether it’s a more inward process of how to cope with the major changes going on. Ugh about the book birthday causing stress… I hear you. Thanks again for your comment; it’s comforting to know others have/are going through it, too.
100% in agreement with you on this awful dilemma. I want to quit but I can’t. I want to believe there is meaning in all these stories, complete or not. I sometimes long to be like the rest of the world- content with their regular careers and life. I wish I didn’t see a story in so much of what I see and hear.
I stare at my empty writing chair and then close the door to the office and pretend I don’t care that another day has gone by with no writing.
If the applause of others is my only goal it won’t satisfy and yet, I ask, what are words on a page if not to share?
This has become my silent agony. My descent into defeat.
So glad I am not alone.
Thank you.
Linda
I can really relate to all you say, and especially this:
“I sometimes long to be like the rest of the world- content with their regular careers and life. I wish I didn’t see a story in so much of what I see and hear.”
Particularly that I wish I didn’t see a story in so much of what I see and hear — that’s a whole blog in itself. I too am glad I’m not alone, thank you for your comment. I really appreciate it!
Dear Julia:
As hese comments demonstrate, you’ve said something thatnates with a great many of us. I can add nothing very meaningful, except to add to the chorus commending your candor and your courage, and to offer two quotes:
“She who speaks to us from the depth of her loneliness speaks to us of ourselves.” –Simone de Beauvoir
“Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout with some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand.” –George Orwell
So sorry for the typos.
“hese” s/b these
“thstnates” s/b that resonates
I really had no idea how my feelings would resonate with so many — it is quite comforting (that we all go through this). I love the quotes and am honored by your words; thank you kindly, David.
By some strange synchronicity, I just found this from Amy Hatvany on Twitter, RT’d by Caroline Leavitt:
“It has been a rough year for me, both eprsonally and professionally. But this, oh this:
Why Bother?
Because right now there is someone
out there with
a wound in the exact shape
of your words”
P.S. More than once, when asked what I do, I have answered: “I’m a writer. I’d quit if I knew how.”
Argh…
personally, not eprsonnaly
LOL!
Thank you for letting me know about Amy’s tweet! Amazingly similar.
I can relate to this 1000%. Thanks for your honesty!
I’m so glad you understand — thank you for your empathy. So glad we’ve been on this road together, Nina <3
Julia, thank you for this vulnerable and honest post. This is the part I keep coming back to: “I fear my ideas are trite and clichéd (I know this is true for at least some of my ideas because an agent told me so at a conference once).” I kinda want to know that agent’s name, then look for a voodoo doll… As someone who has heard about at least two of your ideas, I want to counter that agent’s narrow opinion and say you have extremely imaginative ideas — singular ideas — and I sincerely want to read your stories. Keep fighting, my friend. There is no worse crime than someone trying to tell you that your unique gifts are not worth your time or the time of others. THEY ARE.
Thank YOU, Therese, for a platform to post my fears — a place to make me feel welcome and unafraid. I don’t know what I’d do without WU or you in my life. Your kind words and support mean more than you know, and I think I’ve got a leftover voodoo doll lying around somewhere here. . .
Thank you for this honest post, Julia. You’ve obviously touched a lot of people, me included.
I did stop writing for 10 years. Single mom, three jobs ( one fulltime, one parttime in the evenings, and one parttime on weekends) meant no writing for me. Well, I managed a few poems and an irregular journal.
When the kids left home and I quit the two parttime jobs, I truly wondered if I would go back to writing or just let it go, even though I’d been writing since I started reading. It was more than wondering if I’d ever be good enough; it was–as you say–having lost the love of it.
A friend gave me Julia Cameron’s book on creativity The Artist’s Way, and somehow working through the exercises brought me back to life–and to writing.
I hope that you can find your way back to your love of writing. I try to keep reminding myself of the zen concept of focusing on the journey, not the destination.
<3 <3 <3
Barbara, thank you, thank you, thank you. Your comment reminded me that once before (how could I forget??) I did take a break — when my kids were in elementary school, and I was focusing on a lot of nonprofit work. I DID go back with passion… it was when I switched from MG to adult novels! I had totally forgotten that. Maybe it’s now that I feel the pinch of time (empty nester). THANK YOU, my friend! Here’s to renewing the passion, finding the zone, and loving the journey. xox P.S. You are a super woman and great role model! So happy you’re writing again.
Thank you so much for all the difficult emotional truth revealed here, by yourself and commenters. I was literally sitting looking out the window in despair when I decided to look for inspiration and found your post. I exclaimed, “I’m living in a parallel universe!” We must have endured that same agent. I’m also an empty-nester. 15 unpublished works languish in my office. There is no magic query.
But I see by this post that I am not alone in my plight, and that your sharing bolsters everyone’s self esteem. Bless you!
Hi Emily, I’m so glad you found my post! Thank you for your kind words about it. Writing it and reading the responses really have made me feel less alone in my plight, and that makes me feel better, but it’s also made me feel worse knowing others feel as I do. It is hard, isn’t it? There’s no magic query and there’s no magic solution.
I’m so sorry for your despair; I know it so well. I just started reading (and going through the exercises in) Fearless Writing, recommended by one of the commenters, and it seems good so far. I think what I struggle with most is the actual inability to focus on writing. Right now it would be wonderful to put that behind me and try to get into “the flow” again (Fearless Writing addresses this in chapter 2). I am skeptical that a book can help, but I’m trying to keep an open mind.
Hang in there and I hope we can both feel less fearful and more at a peace. I’m rooting for you. xox
My fears:
That I’ll never live the life that I was meant to live.
That I’ll always be a disappointment to myself (and others.)
That my writing actually sucks and I’m embarrassing myself with every click of the “publish” or send button.
For my kids’ safety from everything: child predators to a dying planet that will no longer sustain life.
I see you, I hear you, and I understand you, Julia. What has helped me has been to let go. I’m letting go of expectations and writing for the joy in it. I’m letting go of guilt and shame and embracing the space I’m in right now. I’m letting go of judgment, of myself and others.
We cannot really live if we are paralyzed with fear. Send that shit out to the universe and ask for what you need. Expect it. Sit still for a while and just listen. You will find what you are looking for when you have faith and the belief that it is already yours.
Love you, my friend, and clearly from all the comments above, you are far from alone. Hugging you from afar…xo, Hal
Hal!… thank you for reading and commenting. You are one of the very best parts of starting to blog those seven (HOW???) years ago. To have found such a wonderful friend in you is amazing. I am dumbfounded that you fear being a disappointment to yourself or others — you are wonderful and also perfectly enough. I say these things and yet I don’t feel them myself all the time. And I know that fear often has nothing to do with reality. (Sadly I can truly relate to your fears 1, 3 & 4 because I share them with you) Yes, the only way to face them is to fear and move on (easier said than done sometimes).
But, as you say, THIS>>>> We cannot really live if we are paralyzed with fear. <<<
I'm working on letting go of the judgment and expectations and embracing the joy. And having you as a friend really helps me do that — love your positivity and encouragement and laughing with you. Love YOU. Hugs back, my friend! xoxo, Jules
Thanks for opening up this line of thought, Julia. You were very brave to share your fears and invite us to share ours.
When the rejections pile up and the sales tank, I think we all go into that deep dark hole where we question everything we do related to writing. I have had a hard time trying to get back to novel-length fiction, so I’ve written a couple of short stories that have made me feel like a real writer and not an impostor. I’m hoping that once some health issues improve, and I am not on so many meds, maybe I won’t be in such a lethargy.
Thank you for reading, Maryann, and for your comment — it’s funny, I don’t feel brave, mostly just a little desperate to figure this out — so I’m really happy to learn from all the comments. It’s good to know I’m not the only one (I had no idea it was so common), but mostly it’s reassuring to know that so many writers out there find solace in one another.
I’m sorry for the hard time getting back to long fiction (how I understand that…), but writing short stories sound like a really positive way to approach your imposter feelings. Sending hugs and positive energy and health your way. <3
Julia,
I’m a tad late to the game. I save my Writer Unboxed posts for free time and then binge read. Today, I read yours. I can’t begin to explain how much your post resonated with me. With each confession you so bravely shared, I found myself saying, “YES, me too!”
I’m 2 months out from self-publishing my second book. The first one released last December. I had so much optimism at first, and when book sales weren’t what I’d imagined, my inspiration began to fizzle. I’ve struggled the past 8 months finding the motivation to keep going. To keep writing. Doing what I love. What I think about non-stop. What I want more than anything in this world. The struggle is real. You are not alone. Thank you for your vulnerability and your bravery.
I recently heard a podcast by an artist I adore. She calls herself a “possibilitarian”. I was so intrigued by the word, I looked it up. Of course, it’s not in the dictionary, but I love the positive message I found.
“Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see possibilities — always see them, for they’re always there.” ~ Norman Vincent Peale
I don’t know about you, but I want to be a possibilitarian! So, I’ve been working on it for the past couple of weeks as I muster up the courage and energy to release my second book. I need to envision the possibilities. They are there. Waiting. Most importantly, I have to be willing to believe it’s possible for me.
Again, thank you for your post. Wishing you the best.
Warmly, Candi
Hi Candi,
Thank you for your comment! Now I want to be a possibilitarian, too — I love it. Visualizing the possibilities is a great idea; too often I think of what could go wrong, not all that will be right. You’re right, the possibilities are there. Here’s to a very successful launch of your new release and to both of us feeling like we’re willing to believe success is possible. We can do it!! Wishing you the best, too.
Julia
I’ve come across this post at a time when I share many of the same fears, and that this dream I’ve had since childhood is simply not going to happen. It’s painful to contemplate.
But I keep writing.
It’s good to shine light on the fears. It helps, I think.
And are there any original ideas? Seems impossible with the millions of stories out there. But there is only one you and your way of telling a story.
I hope you keep writing. I hope writing this post has helped–lots of good in those comments.
I’m so sorry you’re going through some of this, too, Marta. As you say…. “this dream I’ve had since childhood is simply not going to happen. It’s painful to contemplate.” Add a huge handful of life’s completely unexpected ups and downs to create a perfect storm of internal and external tension that has slowed my writing to an insecure crawl. Sigh. It really has helped to shine a light on my fears, though; since I posted this, I feel more motivated to write in a less constricted way. Maybe saying it out loud really did do a lot, so did all the support.
I’m so glad you keep writing. Thank you & sending hugs. <3
I don’t know if the dream will come true for us, but if we support each other along the way regardless, that’s the important thing. <3
You can count on that, Marta. And it helps so much. <3
My confession, all these weeks later, is that I knew what this post was about from the title and brief summary tagline I saw on social media. And the reality was that I was too afraid to open it. So I can add selfish to my list of worries, Julia. Because I was too selfish to even read it, which meant I wasn’t here to offer you the support you need – that we all need – nor my gratitude for saying what so many of us are feeling these days.
So I am here now, late but hoping not too late, to let you know you have the strength to write honest truths – that are not cliched or trite – for a world that needs to hear them. In every engagement we have had, your steady and true voice comes through. The haunting images you post reveal a clear vision.
I have no doubt that the worlds you craft carry those as well, and that your characters are deep and wondrous.
Please don’t ever stop writing, for your sake and for ours. The world needs your voice, now more than ever.
John — you are not selfish at all. Thank you for your kind words and for saying I should keep writing; it means more than you know. I confess you made me cry, but I am very very grateful for your support, and will say back to you: keep writing, my friend. For your sake, for mine, for the world, keep writing. And again, thank you. xox
Hi there, Weary Writer!
As all the others before me, I know your struggle. And your pain.
I’ve always found pure and raw joy in putting words on paper. And for a couple of years now I’ve been writing my first novel for the outside world, with plans to publish it, so that others would enjoy reading it. After trying some local (Romanian) publishing houses and (Obviously- please read that in Severus Snape’s tone) getting rejected, because I am a first-time writer and I have no famous author’s name attached to mine, I was completely lost.
I am now on the path of self-publishing. Same struggles. Only there’s one extra for me, as my novel is in Romanian and the translation into English will require so much time (if I will do it) or so much money (if I contract others to do it), that for the moment is currently impossible. So, I plan on publishing it in Romanian. And see what comes next.
I had plans. Oh, I had plans… Now, truth be told, I am just a pile of anxious thoughts and that word you used… “fraud”… is constantly on my mind.
But then again, after the rejections of the “traditional” possibilities, and after the weariness and (still) struggling days, I try to be positive.
Kind, gentle, happy for the actual writing part. Traditional or non-traditional- let’s be honest. We do not live in the same world 19th-century authors lived. Now there is this thing called the internet. And we can use it.
Write and enjoy the process. Trust yourself. Trust your mind and most of all- tell your stories!
Yet another Weary Writer,
Roxana
Hi Roxana, Thank you so much for your comment. Having that extra layer of translation sounds challenging. I love that you remain positive and how you say, “write and enjoy the process. Trust yourself. Trust your mind and most of all- tell your stories!” I’ll keep that advice close. Here’s to both of us overcoming our anxious thoughts! All best, Julia
Dear Julia. I just now logged on to WU because I, too, was feeling that all my efforts at marketing my books were going nowhere fast, so I wanted some reinforcement. I came upon Donald Maass’s eloquent essay in response to your post and realized I had to read what you yourself had written.
Your words (if this is possible) were like looking into a mirror. My heart goes out to you, for we are “sisters” of the written (but unheralded) words. Although our writing experiences are very different (I’m 75, have been writing for decades while working full time – still), I feel your ups and downs as though they were my own. I won’t go into great depth, but I did have one non-fiction book traditionally published about 30 years ago with minimal success. Then the Muses dragged me off to a corner to start writing fiction. I was in Muse heaven – in love with my higher-minded metaphysical stories – and felt this was my calling. (I still do).
I wrote and wrote, started 4 novels and put them down, worked on my music, the shifted back to writing. More stories poured out. I was on a roll. But no agent or publisher wanted them.
Flash forward to about 2013 with self-publishing emerging. Well, I thought, at least I’ll have a real and tangible product to hold in my hands, to give to friends and loved ones as gifts! So I published the four novels. But how to get them noticed was the challenge.
By 2016, a fluke FB post led me to a global digital Amazon publisher who took on all four books, plus two children’s books, redesigned the covers, and I revised and polished the manuscripts. And now they are going round the world. I’ve been interviewed on a dozen blogs by fellow authors and have a modest but faithful following on FB and TW. (And maybe I’ve made a few sales and pennies in royalties – spent far more money than I’ll probably ever make back).
A new book is nipping at my heels, with lots of notes and chapters done but so little time to write. Marketing my existing books is a slog, even with the help of my publisher’s promotional activities. I’m exhausted from Social Media posts and begging for reviews. Like you (and like Donald advises), I want to get back to that joy, that levitating feeling of getting lost in my story and characters. I’m in a lull, and it’s disheartening.
To add insult to injury, I’ve just embarked – once again – on the Quixotic endeavor to try and find an agent for my unpublished children’s books. Foolish, or just a believer!?
So, Julia, sorry to go on so long, but don’t give up. You have 8 books that I bet an Indie publisher would be willing to take on. Maybe that’s an open door for you. Get those manuscripts out of the desk drawer, or wherever, and start knocking.
I feel like giving up every day, even with all the progress I’ve made in the past two years. But I won’t. Maybe this time I’ll get an agent to bite. That next book just might be the one to be my “breakout novel” and Don Maass’s agency will take me on!
One never knows.
Take heart. It sounds as though you have lots of people who love and support you. There are many writers/people who don’t. I look forward to hearing that one of your books soars and makes your dreams come true.
Warm regards,
Thank you, Barbara, for your kind words, support, and understanding–and I’m sorry for the long delay–I’m just now seeing your comment while on a writing retreat, attempting to re-invigorate my relationship with writing–in short, to re-find the joy and passion. I too am rooting for you; here’s to both of us making our dreams come true and recapturing the joie de vivre!