The first time my husband and I talked about having kids, we were in our early 20s, not yet married, and the idea of starting a family felt so far away it might as well have been on the planet Jupiter. But then 22 became 25 became 29. The years blinked away faster than I thought possible.
In that time, I also quit my job in order to focus on writing. I had grand dreams (or delusions?) of long days at the keyboard, words pouring out of me in a great rush, like rice into a pot. But truthfully, I didn’t write that much more than I had while working a day job. I was just happier, because I felt closer to living the writer’s life that I had imagined for myself as a girl.
I finished a manuscript, polished and queried it, and signed with a great agent. We went on submission. I turned 29.
By then, my husband was itching to become a father. In many ways I was ready too, but there was one major roadblock: I had always envisioned becoming an author first, a mother second. So I asked him to wait a little longer, until my book sold. Then we could try for a baby.
My book did not sell.
I could write a whole other post about that — about the slow, silent grief I didn’t even realize I was going through — but suffice it to say, it became clear that I couldn’t keep putting off motherhood. Couldn’t keep tying it to a day that might not come for years.
Throughout my pregnancy, I tried to write. Through the nausea and exhaustion and discomfort, I tried. Ever the optimist, I thought, “At the very least, I can finish a new manuscript and get it to my agent before the baby is due.”
Nope. Just like quitting my job to write full-time did not magically make me a faster writer, neither did getting pregnant.
The baby came — a sweet, tiny little girl — and for those first few months, everything was about her. (Well, and my own recovery.) For the first time in two decades, I put absolutely zero pressure on myself to write. It was foreign, frightening, and a little bit liberating.
Eventually I lucked into a part-time nanny-share with a neighbor, and suddenly I had a few hours each week to myself again. I thought I would use them to write. I wanted to.
But there were dishes, and laundry, and dog walking, and vacuuming. There was an embarrassing amount of urgent googling. (“Diaper rash,” “peanut allergy,” “nap schedule.”) All sorts of things that needed to get done, and were so much easier to do without a baby around.
After a while, I began to wonder if what I had most feared was coming true. Had becoming a mother cost me a part of myself that I could never get back? Was my passion for writing dwindling away? Had I missed my window for success?
Never mind the literally countless examples of fantastic authors who are parents, I found my reassurance in two close friends who were roughly my age, were writers, and were now mothers. One had been published before having kids, had written her second novel while pregnant, and was now working on a new manuscript while raising the first daughter and expecting a second. All was not lost.
My other friend had gotten an agent with a book that I loved and believed in, but for various unknown reasons, it never sold. In the nearly five years since then, she had given birth to two boys, and zero manuscripts. Once upon a time, I had looked at her situation in disbelief and frustration, wondering how she could have let it happen. Suddenly I found myself standing in more or less the same place and thinking, “Oh, this is how.” Sometimes it just… happens.
The thing is, I don’t care any less about my writing than I used to. I care about it exactly the same amount. I just care more about my daughter. It’s like my writing is a skyscraper, towering over everything in my life, but my daughter is a hundred stories taller.
The other thing is, babies are only babies for so long. The time I spent with my daughter as an infant was priceless, and a great privilege. A toddler now, she has already grown so much, and will continue to do so, becoming ever more independent from me. And as she does, I’m getting back to my bedrock — my writing — both to fulfill myself, and to fill her absence.
So what has changed? Everything and nothing.
…
What fears have you experienced in regards to your writing? Have you ever felt conflict between your identity as a writer and other parts of yourself?
…
Postscript: Actually, one concrete difference in my writing now is perspective. I tend to write Young Adult stories, and have typically projected myself into the teenage protagonist. (Think empathy, not wish fulfillment.) But lately I find myself connecting a lot more with the parent characters… I’d like to think it makes my work richer, and more well-rounded. But maybe I’m just getting old.
About Kristan Hoffman
Originally from Houston, TX, Kristan Hoffman studied creative writing at Carnegie Mellon University and attended the Kenyon Review Writers Workshop. Now she lives with her family in Cincinnati, OH, where she writes both fiction and nonfiction with a focus on feminist, multicultural stories. Her shorter work has appeared in Sugar Mule, the Citron Review, and Switchback, among others. She is currently at work on a Young Adult novel, and is represented by Tina Dubois of ICM. For more, please visit her website.
Erin Jendras says
August 2, 2018 at 9:59 amThanks for writing this — I’m in about exactly the same spot you are, except I never finished the manuscript before having my son. I just keep hoping it will get better as he gets older?
Kristan Hoffman says
August 3, 2018 at 12:08 pmI think it will! I’ve noticed small gains even over the two-ish years as IB has grown, and while I’m going to be setting myself back by trying for a second kid soon (lol) I’ve heard from other writer moms that a lot changes when the kids start kindergarten, and then again when they’re roughly 10.
In the meantime, enjoy your family, and know that the words will always be there whenever you have the time and inclination. :)
Nichole says
August 2, 2018 at 10:03 amI can absolutely relate to this. I have four amazing kids and I struggle with how little I am writing right now. I do have five manuscripts but not a single one of them I have sent out. One is getting close and I thought I’d be able to finish it up this summer but it’s not happening because of, well …. being a mom with four kids in the summer. 😄 But something wonderful and sad is happening in a few weeks. My youngest is going to be in kindergarten and all my kids will be in school. My hope is that I can use this new time I will have to focus back on writing and actually get somewhere with it. Good luck to you!
Kristan Hoffman says
August 3, 2018 at 12:10 pm“Wonderful and sad” = permanent emotional status of raising children!
But yes, I’m sure once all your kids are in school you will have more time. One of my critique partners, Ingrid Palmer, was absolutely devoted to her children while they were growing up. Now they are teens and her first book, ALL OUT OF PRETTY, was just published a couple months ago!
One of the best things about being a writer is that there’s no expiration date. :)
Beth Havey says
August 2, 2018 at 10:14 amThe writing journey never happens in a bubble. I have been writing for years, from college on, marriage, the birth of three amazing children who now give me joy every day. Writing is part of my nature and when I start a project or finish it, I am grateful–just as I am for my adult children and all that they bring to the world. I’ll say that creating people in my work has made me more empathetic. Wherever my writing takes me, I am prepared to go. Yes, I fear outside of my small story collection there won’t be more books to hold in my hand. STILL, it’s all a gift.
Kristan Hoffman says
August 3, 2018 at 12:10 pmYes, I love your positive outlook and gratitude. Definitely things I try to embrace as well.
Barry Knister says
August 2, 2018 at 10:23 amHello Kristan. IMO, you artfully capture the tensions that must confront many writers. As you describe the move from young adult to not-so-young adult, and the parallel tracks represented by your literary ambition and expectations for future parenthood, I think you reveal yourself to be both perceptive, and sensitive to others.
You speak of the many writers who somehow successfully manage to juggle deadlines, personal or professional, with motherhood. I think such people have to possess one of two attributes, or, more likely, both: a powerful gift for organization and time management, and a strong element of selfishness.
Without a real talent for compartmentalizing, or ignoring the demands of duty while typing, I don’t see how it’s done.
Thanks for your post. I think it must speak for many.
Kristan Hoffman says
August 3, 2018 at 1:13 pmBarry, thank you so much for the kind words. I’m honored. And so glad that the spirit of my piece came through.
Mary Kate says
August 2, 2018 at 10:37 amSo relevant to me right now. I’m currently pregnant with my first and one of my (many) fears about motherhood is losing my writing time. I can’t afford to quit my full-time job, so it’ll be balancing all 3. We’ll have daycare, and I have some flexibility in working from home part-time, which saves me time on commuting, but still — I write about 12-15 hours per week now on my weekend and evening time and I don’t know how much of that I’ll have left post-baby. I’ve written a few manuscripts, am just getting ready to query the one I (think and hope) will be my debut and have been writing like crazy during my pregnancy in the hopes of “getting ahead.” I don’t feel well mentally when I’m not writing, so I don’t think I’d see a period of not writing as relief.
My husband’s assured me we’ll do what we can do to grant me writing time post-baby — he’ll take her for a certain amount of time every weekend for me to run to a cafe for a few hours and write, etc. — but I know all plans go out the window with such a major life change!
My pie-in-the-sky dream is to become a full-time novelist who somehow still makes enough to support my family (and afford at least part-time daycare!) but I know that’s nowhere close to a guarantee in this author life I’ve chosen!
Kristan Hoffman says
August 3, 2018 at 12:31 pmCan I ask you one favor? Please please PLEASE give yourself permission to not write, if that becomes necessary. Especially in the first 2 months postpartum, which is just the most intense and vulnerable time I have ever been through. It’s special, but it’s hard. For many, including myself, you’re just in survival mode, waiting for everything to turn a corner and feel more manageable — which it eventually does!
That said, I totally understand what you mean when you say you don’t feel well/right when you’re not writing, and thus I am SO GLAD to hear that your husband is supportive and committed to making that time and space for you. It sounds like you’re in a good position to “have it all” — which is a myth in the sense that I don’t know anyone who feels like they “have it all” all at one time, but is also a reality in the sense that if your life is filled with things that you love, it’s the most wonderful thing in the world, even when you have to juggle them.
Paula Cappa says
August 2, 2018 at 10:46 amHa, this is so true. We’ve all been in this place as parents and writers. It’s always something, as they say. I actually enjoyed leaving my writing to have my daughter and son in the early years. Once school time came, I was ready to get back into it. Leaving your writing is no crime. This career is not a race. Children and home and hearth can be important opportunities to explore the relationships and growth that happens. Enjoy all the experiences!
Kristan Hoffman says
August 3, 2018 at 12:33 pmAgreed! Your comment reminds me so much of my friend and fellow writer Ingrid Palmer, who also put her career(s) on hold when her children were small, and has zero regrets. Her debut novel was published this past April, by the way. :)
Lakota says
August 2, 2018 at 10:53 amSpeaking as a mom and as a grandmother, AND as a writer, I would suggest that you are exactly where you need to be right now. Your time to write again will come, and you are NOT wasting your days being a present mother to your child.
Allow yourself to feel all your emotions: guilt and regret because you’re not pursuing your career full time, and joy being in the presence of such a wonderful little individual.
ALL your emotions are yours and are worth feeling. Welcome to life as a woman author!
Paula Cappa says
August 2, 2018 at 11:21 amWonderful advice, Lakota.
Kristan Hoffman says
August 3, 2018 at 12:33 pmCould not agree more!
Deanna says
August 2, 2018 at 12:54 pmI’m not a mother (yet) but this is something I have worried about, perhaps unnecessarily, a lot. Since I can remember I’ve been putting pressure on myself to “make it” before I have a child. I worry that once I have a child I’ll forget all about writing which scares me and is a little ridiculous since I’ve continued to write through many life changing events. Good to know I’m not alone in having these thoughts!
Kristan Hoffman says
August 3, 2018 at 12:42 pmYes, the feeling of kindred-ness within the comments here is so heartening (and actually made me tear up a couple times).
I think the enormity of motherhood — and the way it is so tied to selflessness — can be very intimidating. It’s not like buying a house or moving to a new city, because those things (while major) don’t become an inextricable part of your identity.
Whereas for so many of us, “writer” is a cornerstone of who and what we ARE. How we view and represent ourselves. It feels impossible for anything else to live side-by-side with that, and it feels scary and sad to think of something competing with it. But the truth — which is hard to believe until you actually experience it — is that it’s NOT a competition. They CAN live side-by-side. It’s not impossible; it’s inevitable.
In fact, they can even complement and enrich each other. That has been the most surprising and wonderful discovery for me.
Vijaya says
August 2, 2018 at 1:17 pmKristan, your baby is irresistible!!! I just want to squeeze those plump thighs, kiss those feet. You capture so much of the tension between motherhood and meaningful work. As a writer-mama myself, I can testify you can have both and should have both. As Katherine Paterson so eloquently said, “As I look back on what I have written, I can see that the very persons who have taken away my time are those who have given me something to say.”
I gave up my scientific career to stay at home with my babies. No regrets there. But I do regret not having more children. I was so scared that I wouldn’t have enough time, but the truth is, you make time for what’s important.
Kristan Hoffman says
August 3, 2018 at 12:47 pmThank you! I never understood the urge to eat adorable children — until had one, lol. Now I want to nom on babies all the time. (IB rarely lets me though, haha.)
I completely agree with all that you’ve written here! While IB demands much of my time and energy, she has also helped me hone in on what’s most important, both in life and in my writing. And that kind of clarity is a gift.
J says
August 2, 2018 at 2:04 pmSame here! I have two wonderful boys, but writing very much became background and dreams while they were babies. But slowly, as I emerged from the piles of diapers and the disrupted nights, writing became possible again. Very slowly though. It took time to carve writing time out of my life as mom (and mistress of logistics and keeper of family agendas and plain dishes and grocery shopping). But the urge got stronger and now I use the time when they are at school for writing (and still the grocery and the laundry and the garden …) I am even starting to write a bit when they are around and happily busy (something I could not imagine just a year ago). – And no, I have not published anything yet, but I am working towards the end of draft 1, sometimes optimistic, sometimes afraid, but still hoping… – Happy Writing and Good Luck!
Kristan Hoffman says
August 3, 2018 at 1:01 pmOh goodness, your comment resonated so much with me, haha. (“mistress of logistics,” “and still the grocery and the laundry,” etc.) And writing while IB is around is THE DREAM. I can’t wait!
Christine Venzon says
August 2, 2018 at 2:44 pmI haven’t become a mother, but my mother’s caregiver. She had a small stroke last winter. She can do a lot for herself, but still needs help with meal prep, dressing, and bathing. I also make all her grocery and prescription runs. Caring for her is my highest priority, but there are days when I despair of ever getting my career back on track. As you said, Kristan, it’s encouraging to know that others are in the same boat and making a go of it.
Kristan Hoffman says
August 3, 2018 at 1:06 pmWow, your comment really hit me, because the potential for caring for one or both of my parents looms large in my mind lately too. How strange, no, for the roles to be reversed? To mother the one who first mothered you? It’s a parallel and a paradox all in one.
All I can say is that I admire your daughterly devotion, and I have no doubt that you can keep hold of your writing through this.
One of the most frustrating, yet also most wonderful, things about a writing career is that it’s not as straightforward as so many other professional tracks. It’s flexible enough to ride a lot of waves. Just stay in the boat and trust the current.
Christine Venzon says
August 3, 2018 at 4:10 pm“Just stay in the boat and trust the current.”
Thanks, Kristan. that’s the most encouraging thing I’ve heard in a long time — and at a time when I especially need it.
Kassie says
August 3, 2018 at 12:12 amThank you for your post! I’m not a mom, but Hubby and I have the “we’re-not-getting-younger” chat every now and then. I’m trying to build good writing habits now so that no matter what happens, I can still work towards my dream of publication.
Kristan Hoffman says
August 3, 2018 at 1:08 pmGood writing habits are so key! I’m always trying to build and maintain mine.
Writing really is a practice, something to be cultivated and nurtured, rather than a skill that you either have or don’t. And that’s true for every writer, regardless of circumstances. Kids or no kids, day job or no day job, published or unpublished, etc.
Denise says
August 4, 2018 at 6:05 amWriting during their younger years can happen, just not in the way you may think or expect. It is also true that you do not really understand until you are in it. My two are under five, and while some days or weeks I get nothing done, I have filled notebooks, wrote during Nanowrimo while on parental leave, and published my first poem. In fact, I have devoted more to writing during this time (later in my life) because of an intense desire to make time for writing. Something I didn’t do before. And I use other writing moms as my inspiration – if they can do it, it must be possible. Even five minutes, in the car pulled over on the side of the road while the baby sleeps, several times a day add up. (Carry notebooks with you everywhere!) I still try to remain “present” with my children, do housework when they are awake rather than nap times so I can have some me time, and constantly tell myself my clean up job is good enough. I work full time outside the home but crave writing. When writing inspiration fails to strike, write about your children: record their actions, dialogue and milestones. Write about being a mom: your memories, struggles, and hopes and dreams. Writing is writing! And you never know what might come out of it.
Kristan Hoffman says
August 6, 2018 at 12:29 pmYes, everything adds up! That’s my main mantra these days too. That and “forward progress.” Doesn’t matter how much or how little.
Remaining present is, too.
And yes, figuring out what I can while my daughter is awake, versus what *must* be done while she’s asleep or away, has been key.