As writers, we’re all used to receiving criticism about our work, from our beta readers, agents, and editors. We’re accustomed to reading one-star reviews online. But what about criticism served directly to your face? How do you respond?
Here are some scenarios that have happened to me and/or writer friends (some details changed to protect the guilty).
- You run into your mom’s friend at the grocery store. She asks how the writing’s going. You say fine. Then she asks, directly, how many books you’ve sold, because she hears writing doesn’t pay all that much.
- You’re at a party with a friend. Your friend, proud of your work, brags about you. This excites the other guests, who exclaim about how cool that must be. Another guest chimes in, asking why you’d bother writing fiction since it’s completely useless. The party falls silent. You choke on your bruschetta.
- You have lunch with an old colleague who tells you how awesome your book was. Then he says he got it second hand, since he won’t pay more than a quarter for a book, and tells you how he’s sending it through all his friends and relatives so they won’t have to pay for the book either. He figures twenty-five people will read it for a quarter! That’s one cent per person! (He knows authors aren’t good at math). And then he tells you how after that, he’s planning on using it for kindling, too.
- After many years of rejections and hard work, you’re a New York Times Bestselling author. You give a killer talk at an event and feel good about yourself. Then a lady comes up to you and jabs a piece of paper under your chin, with a detailed list of points on how you could give better talks, as if you’re at a Toastmasters contest.
The Peculiar Territory of Author-hood
Being an author is unique. It’s a profession many people want to break into. This sometimes stirs up feelings of jealousy that people wouldn’t experience if you were, say, a podiatrist. Becoming a published author also means you’re a bit of a public figure.
Add to this our contemporary society, where everyone feels entitled to have their opinions heard, even if their opinions lack the substance of actual expertise, and you have the perfect recipe for being under a steady barrage of criticism. Yet, as a public figure, you don’t want to respond with equal negative force, so what can you do?
Consider the Opinion
If we were like the old-school brawler Norman Mailer, the offending person might get a fist to his nose. Being publicly criticized can make a person feel angry and defensive. But because most of us don’t relish the prospect of a night in jail, it helps to think through possible responses before something like this happens, much as we rehearse what to do in case of a fender bender.
The best course of action is not to parry or argue, as might be one’s gut response, but to diffuse. Sometimes people are looking for a fight, so if you give a defensive response, the situation may escalate and not be worthwhile. Instead, diffuse, diffuse, diffuse. Diffuse like you’re a drop of essential oil. How? Consider the other person’s opinion.
I was at a Tobias Wolff talk once, and when he took questions for the audience, one man asked about something very minor in one of Wolff’s books that he felt Wolff got wrong. Was Wolff an expert in this subject? It was too bad Wolff wasn’t as well-informed and frankly brilliant as this man. A self-satisfied smile bloomed over the man’s face.
I was indignant on Mr. Wolff’s behalf. How dare he! Go on, tear him a new one, I urged in my head.
Instead, Mr. Wolff humbly allowed as to how he wasn’t an expert on the subject, he’d lightly touched on it, maybe the man was right. Deflated, the man plopped back into his chair.
A most elegant example of acknowledging the other person’s opinion, and completely diffusing it.
At my debut book launch, a woman told me I closed my eyes too much when I talk. I merely said, “Okay.” I hadn’t known that, and I later made an effort to correct it. Was it deflating to be told that after my launch? Yes, but I was able to utilize the information later.
It’s the Other Person’s Problem
I also try to assume that the person saying something may actually think she’s helping you. Or, they may have personal problems that you’re not privy to. Framing their comment in this way helps you to keep an emotional distance.
I remember once, a million years ago, I worked in jewelry sales at JC Penney. A customer came in with a hostile attitude. She deliberately pointed at the wrong pieces of jewelry and called me an idiot for picking out the ones she’d pointed at. I knew I hadn’t done a single thing to warrant this treatment, so I said to her, in the most gentle tone I could muster, “I’m sorry you’re having a rough day. Is there anything I can do?” The woman burst into tears and explained her father was in a coma, and apologized. You just never know what other people are going through—of course they shouldn’t take it out on innocent bystanders, but nobody’s perfect.
Think of Possible Responses Ahead of Time
Sometimes what strangers say can leave us speechless in the moment, and we don’t think of a good comeback until the next day. Don’t you hate it when that happens? Here are a few canned responses that I’ve used– add your own in the comments:
“Thanks, I’ll consider it.”
“I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy it.”
“Thanks for sharing.”
“It makes me sad that you don’t value my work. I certainly value yours.” (For someone you’re close to—only say it if you’re really sad!)
“That’s too personal for me to discuss.”
Stop Reliving Negative Encounters
The last step, and perhaps the hardest, is to forget about the encounter after it happens. Today I opened a Google alert to a negative review. I read it, thought, “This guy doesn’t understand. That is NOT how I wrote that book,” and then closed it and forgot about it because I had a number of real-life things to attend to.
Until, that is, I thought I might post it on Facebook to congratulate myself for my newly-found thick skin. Immediately, I was transported to the moment I read it. The irritation, the urge to tell him how he got it all wrong.
Thinking about it again caused me to relive it.
This reminded me of something a therapist once told me: if someone says something unpleasant to you, you relive it every time you think about it. If you think about it two hundred times, then you’re reliving it two hundred times. The person who said the thing to you only lives it once—how unfair is that? How does that make you better? It doesn’t.
As writers, this last step is especially hard. After all, we have to remember all the gory emotional details of our pain so we can include them in our writing.
So, if I have an encounter like this, I might talk about it a couple of people (Can you BELIEVE the nerve of this guy? I might say). Or I might forget about it shortly after it happens, because if I don’t give it much time in the first place, it’s easier to let go. After all, as Coco Chanel said, “I don’t care what you think about me—I don’t think about you at all.”
Have you experienced this? What do you say in these situations? Has it worked?
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About Margaret Dilloway
Margaret Dilloway is the author of the new middle grade series MOMOTARO: XANDER AND THE LOST ISLAND OF MONSTERS (Disney Hyperion) and three women’s fiction novels. She lives in San Diego with her family and a big Goldendoodle named Gatsby. She teaches creative writing to middle schoolers and does developmental editing.
Literary agents have the opposite problem. People don’t criticize or diminish what you do, they imagine your career choice gives you infinite power, keys to the literary kingdom, and divine levels of prescience.
Crazy questions and comments I get: “Where do you think the industry is going?” “You must read a lot.” “What’s the next trend?” “I have three novels in progress, which one should I focus on?” “Do you handle screenplays?”
As you suggest, I try not to roll my eyes and I prepare my answers in advance:
“The industry is always changing, but always publishing books.”
“Yes, I read a lot.”
“The next trend has already happened, you just haven’t seen it yet. Why not initiate the trend after that one?”
“Focus on the manuscript that writes itself and that everyone wants to read.”
“No, I don’t handle screenplays. Only masochists in Hollywood do that.”
People. Sheesh, what can you do?
I would be very tempted to respond, “Nope, I never read– why do you ask?”
That reminds me of a signing event I did at a bookstore in a large shopping mall. As people came in, I greeted them and asked what kinds of books they like to read. Too many of them responded, “I don’t read.” I had to wonder why they were coming into a book store. LOL
I was a bit puzzled by “diffuse.” Yes, it makes some sense to spread the criticism over a wider area, to dilute it. But when I read it as “defuse” (de-fuse, disarm) the criticism –which seemed to agree with the response — it fell into place … for me, anyway!
This is a great post for writers, yes, but people in general. I love the way you suggest deflating the argument. I will be referencing this post in all the capacities of my life.
Yes, it’s so full of wisdom and grace, and that applies well beyond just our lives as writers. Thanks, Margaret!
I laughed at the 25-cent story, Margaret, remembering a sculpture client of mine from years ago. Good thing I can laugh at it now. The gentleman had commissioned a portrait of himself and agreed to pay my going rate. And then, upon completion, he told me he’d sold it to his corporation (he was CEO) for twice what he’d paid me. He was so proud of himself. Good for him. I worked up a very fake smile and kept it on as I delivered the finished piece.
The in-your-face criticisms? My favorite came during a talk to a writer’s group when one of the women came up to ask if I were pregnant. I was obviously more than a decade past possible child bearing, so I said, “No, I’m fat.” I failed the smile test, and I haven’t worn that flowy blouse since.
Gracious responses to the questions and the critiques are obviously something we need to practice. And smiles. We must perfect smiles. I must perfect them. Don, I think you do them very well.
Normandie, I’ve also been asked if I was pregnant. I reply, “food baby.” It eases the awkwardness on both sides.
Perfect! I was a little to stunned to think quickly.
I thought your answer was brilliant, Normandie! Vijaya’s too.
Oh man, Normandie. I would have wanted to wring that man’s neck, but I’m far too polite and conflict-avoiding.
When I was 7, I asked our neighbor if she was pregnant and she wasn’t. My mom was mortified. Now, unless the woman is wearing a shirt that says “I’m not fat, I’m pregnant” I won’t say a word. Even then… Love your response, and Vijaya’s!
Fortunately, it was a woman and not a man who asked the question, Gwen! Someone once suggested I should take it as a compliment, considering how old I was when she asked..
I know I’m supposed to be charitable. And it does provide fodder for conversation and a laugh or two. So, all good!
I’ve never heard this Coco Chanel quote, “I don’t care what you think about me—I don’t think about you at all.” I love it!
Dee Willson
Author of A Keeper’s Truth and GOT
As a not (yet) published writer, I used to get advice from non-writers in my life on how to make the writing and publishing and subsequent success of my book happen faster. One person told me about his accountant’s novels and suggest I look him up on Amazon. I know he meant well, which counts for a lot. At least he was trying to help. But years ago I was selling hand-painted boxes at a craft fair, and one of the boxes was decorated with a Venus-of-Willendorfy fertility goddess. A woman of substantial size picked it up, looked at it, then literally threw it back down on the table and told me she didn’t appreciate my lack of sensitivity. I kept my mouth shut, thank goodness. But I remember it to this day. So true, you never know what’s going on for people, and when you put yourself out there, you can become a target…or maybe a sounding board. Thanks for a thoughtful post.
All the scenarios made me laugh.
I’ve been to a couple of adult conferences and some people after they discover I write for children have asked when I will start writing real books. Ummm, I still don’t have a good answer.
Many people tell me their ideas for books, which I insist they need to write because I have too many of my own. I do this *before* they suggest a collaboration where we can split the profits 50:50.
Vijaya, I get a version of that sometimes– writing for kids must be easier. I’ve written for both kids and adults, and I say, “Have you actually tried writing a kid’s book?” If the full conversation seems to be worth having, I explain that it’s harder, because you not only must write something kids want to read, but also get the approval of the adults buying the books– the teachers, parents, and librarians. Writers for adults generally have not considered this factor.
Romance authors often get the “real books” question too. I think it’s not “real” unless it’s what they read. :-(
I have found that the best way to handle any conflict is to respond (first sentence out of your mouth) by agreeing.
“I hated your book.”
“Sometimes I hated it too. Lots of work. . . ”
“It’s not a REAL job, just a hobby.”
“I know, I am really lucky to have work I enjoy year after year.”
“The beginning was boring. She should have killed someone.”
“Good idea. Maybe in the next one.”
And so it goes. There is no one-size-fits all book. And the world is full of thoughtless, inconsiderate people with poor social skills. I am sure I have been one of them at some point.
When you respond by agreeing with people, it takes the sting out of the conversation and out of your heart.
Don’t let negative remarks stop you. If they were really good, nasty remarks, use them in your next novel!
Great advice!
Love those, Dawn, especially your “Sometimes I hated it too.”
This reminds of one of the stories I heard Diane Mott Davidson tell at a booksellers conference several years ago. Sometime after the photo was taken for the back cover of the book jacket, she had cut her hair. At a book signing, a woman handed her a book, commenting that Ms. Davidson was so much prettier with long hair. Ms. Davidson said that she smiled, thanked her, saying something like ‘I’ll keep that in mind’, but that while she was smiling and signing, she was thinking, “Next book, bang. You’re dead.”
Great responses, Dawn!
Loved this! I laughed, because I’ve heard a few of those myself. :) Especially the “how much do you make” one.
Thanks for the great advice, especially the last point, forget about it. As you pointed out, that is so hard to do, but ultimately the best thing for our level of stress. I have worked hard in recent years to forget about a lot of negative comments that people have thrown at me. It takes a while to get a thicker skin, and as we age our skin actually gets thinner. LOL
I am linking back to this article from my blog today for my weekly Writing Wisdom feature.
Because I have dyslexia, at times, verbal/ written communication is challenging.
I’ve received in-your-face comments regarding, in the light of these challenges, my inabilities of reaching my goal of establishing an author career.
I reply by…
-listing authors with dyslexia who have built successful careers
-listing my published work
This is my journey. Sure it may be harder for me or take longer. But I’m confident that if I put in the work I will receive results–and am.
Margaret, I promise not to chop up your books for kindling. That was so funny. Will remember your advice the next time someone at a party says to me “Well of course anyone can write a book.”
The best way to deal with those who diss is your attitude, not theirs. If you believe in what you do and who you are, they can’t diminish you. You define you, not them.
As a writer and writing teacher, I’ve written on this subject a number of times, and I’ve add links to the articles if anyone is interested.
WHAT A WRITER REALLY HAS TO DO TO WRITE A PUBLISHABLE NOVEL:
http://mbyerly.blogspot.com/2015/02/so-you-want-to-be-published-author.html
VARIOUS REPLIES TO THE QUESTION “WHY DON’T YOU WRITE A REAL BOOK:”
http://mbyerly.blogspot.com/2013/06/why-dont-you-write-real-book.html
HOW TO DEAL WITH CRITICISM AS A WRITER:
http://mbyerly.blogspot.com/2010/08/you-are-loser-prejudice-against-writers.html
DEALING WITH THE NAYSAYERS:
http://mbyerly.blogspot.com/2014/08/dealing-with-naysayers.html
Great advice. Whatever you do, don’t make it personal and be dragged into the confrontation the other person wants. When I was in college and working part-time at a recreation center one duty was to act as a gym monitor during adult basketball leagues. Two players became embroiled in a heated argument (they were, strangely enough, on the same team) and their language was rewriting the book for the children present.
Not relishing the moment, I approached. One of them backed off immediately. Not the other. I’m 5’4″ and he approached 6 foot, his body glistening with sweat, his fists clenched, and his reddened face inches from mine while he screamed (and my life passed before my eyes). I waited for him to take a breath and reminded him he was violating facility policy and, yes, there were children present. I noted, too, that rather then asking him to leave, I’d prefer his returning to playing. He stormed out of the facility.
Margaret, you’ve hit on a great topic that I think we writers often forget to consider: receiving criticism face-to-face. We know we can expect written criticism – from agents, editors, beta readers, critique groups, etc. – but it’s easy to be caught off guard by the bombs people will inevitably drop on you in the middle of a face-to-face conversation.
When my debut novel was coming out, the CEO of the company I worked for asked me about the plot. I described it to him at a high level, and he scowled and said, “Yeah, I’m not gonna read that. Sounds depressing as hell.” This was actually a learning moment for me, because when you write a book about strokes, comas and brain damage, it can be hard to convince somebody that it’s actually pretty funny. After that experience, I put a lot more thought into how to describe (and defend) the book, in preparation for similar encounters in the future.
But the best/worst one was a complaint I was totally unprepared for. A former coworker of mine read my debut novel, and invited me to come spend an evening with her book club, discussing the book. I was thrilled and eagerly agreed. I arrived to find they were a lively group, and the wine was already flowing freely. Then a stern-faced woman confronted me in the kitchen. She had mistakenly thought my novel was a memoir, and she was visibly disappointed – hell, she was flat-out angry – that she wouldn’t be meeting a guy who’d awakened from a six-year coma, suffering brain damage from a stroke.
She kept going on about it, and I literally found myself apologizing to a stranger for not having brain damage. Somewhat placated but still grumpy, she finally left me alone and moved on to graze the buffet table, while I attempted to recover my composure.
Bottom line, you never know what flaw somebody will find in your work – or in your very existence.
That is so funny! I love it although it must have been awful for you at the time …
Thanks, Margaret, just what I needed today, after being dissed yesterday by a fellow writer. Life is subjective, tastes are subjective, but like the scene in the jewelry store, sometimes the words are masking something else. On our walk this morning, my husband suggested I either pull away from this writer person or see what I can do to help her deal with some underlying anger. I think Coco has the answer. LOL. THANKS. “I don’t care what you think about me—I don’t think about you at all.”
I am a Podiatrist and when I’m digging a bullet out of someone – as I did the other night at 3:30 a.m. – no one, and I mean NO ONE is envious.
I am also the published author of several novels short stories and produced plays. It is much more fun being an author.
Loved your advice. :)
You hit the nail on the head! It’s the other person’s problem. We must realize we can please everyone; so take it with a grain of salt, and as you said – consider the source.
Just last week. I had been waiting for a friend to finish reading my debut novel, published last October. I didn’t want to talk about it unless she’d finished.
I did NOT ask for advice – it’s published. Just her reaction.
She said it was a good book, but could be a great book, and proceeded to tell me her opinion about everything in it, and her advice on how to fix it.
I did the only thing I could do: listen for three hours, thank her for her thoughts. And then write about the experience (https://liebjabberings.wordpress.com/2016/09/02/the-writers-greatest-trap-friendly-fire/).
I also handed her an extra copy she could mark up for those things which she remembered one way, and I didn’t think I’d done (but might be wrong).
It will be interesting to see if that copy comes back marked up.
It was unexpected, face-to-face (though not public, thank goodness!), and delivered rapid-fire and loud.
I have to keep reminding myself that most pathological critics are neurotics.
One of my favorite authors of all time is Robert J. Ringer, the only person to the best of my knowledge to write, self-publish, and market three #1 New York Times bestsellers in print editions
in the late 1970’s.
In Ringer’s book “Looking Out for Number 1”, he explains why it is important to always ignore a neurotic. “Ignoring isn’t a matter of just refusing to acknowledge the individual who’s trying to harass you,” says Ringer. “It means totally ignoring — disregarding his words and actions as well as him.”
Here are some of my favorite quotations that have helped me ignore neurotics and in the process have helped me attain remarkable prosperity and extraordinary personal freedom from the over 925,000 copies of my books (mainly self-published) that I have managed to sell worldwide:
“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambition. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”
— Mark Twain
“Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.”
— Paulo Coelho
“Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain … and most fools do.”
— Dale Carnegie
“A non-doer is very often a critic — that is, someone who sits back and watches doers, and then waxes philosophically about how the doers are doing. It’s easy to be a critic, but being a doer requires effort, risk, and change.”
— Dr. Wayne Dyer
“Trying to blow out someone else’s candle doesn’t make yours shine any brighter. In fact, yours is the one that is dimmed the most.”
— Dave Erhard
“Did you know that highly-spirited successful souls are thankful for the critics, the faultfinders, and the nit-pickers of this world for constantly
trying to put them down? This gives these highly spirited souls the inspiration to learn how to fly, to soar even higher with their dreams, to make an even bigger contribution to this world, and to be rewarded even more handsomely with the finer things of life that the Universe has to offer.”
— from “Life’s Secret Handbook”
“Pay no attention to the criticism of people who have never themselves written a notable work.”
— Ezra Pound
“People’s disrespect, insults, and criticism of highly successful people just shows how shaky their own position is and how lousy their internal world must be.”
— Dave Erhard
“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”
— Albert Einstein
“The world in general doesn’t know what to make of originality; it is startled out of its comfortable habits of thought, and its first reaction is one of anger.”
— W. Somerset Maugham
“When you do work that matters, the crowd will call you a fool. If you do something remarkable, something new and something important, not everyone will understand it (at first). Your work is for someone, not everyone. Unless you’re surrounded only by someones, you will almost certainly encounter everyone. And when you do, they will jeer. That’s how you’ll know you might be onto something.”
— Seth Godin
“My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me.”
— Jane Austin
Thank you for posting these. A bracing reminder that it is a good thing to make other people uncomfortable.
Marvelous post. Printing it out & prepping some stock replies now. Many years ago after a few sales of my writing under my belt, I applied for membership in a local writers group. I received a reply back from the man in charge of membership, “In consideration of your moderate success, we have accepted you as a member.”
This was from a group founded to encourage and support writers! It was so rude, all I could do was laugh.
I kept that message and have used it in my writing talks and book appearances to encourage other writers to believe in themselves and only consider constructive, not destructive criticism.
Margaret: Great ideas for how to diffuse or deflect negative comments. Negative feedback–especially when it’s clearly misinformed–is the hardest for me to ignore, but I’m getting better. Reminding myself that reliving it only makes it worse might help, so thanks.
LOVE the Coco Chanel quote!