“What if you couldn’t write?” my teen daughter recently asked me. “What if your hands refused to type and no doctor could explain why? What if voice recognition software didn’t exist and whenever you tried to have someone take dictation for you, your words came out in a jumble? What if your stories were forever stuck in your head? How would you feel?”
“Like I was in hell,” I said.
“This is dance class for me now.”
Ballet has been her whole world since she was nine. She had a barre in her bedroom. She hummed the major numbers from the Nutcracker starting in early September. She came home after a grueling six hours of class and rehearsal only to pirouette around the living room. She aimed for the next tier of her dance company five seconds after being promoted.
Senior Company by age fifteen. That was the plan.
Her body had other ideas.
Just before her fourteenth birthday, nagging knee pain worsened and made pointe work impossible. Thus started a year-long ordeal that included a knife-happy orthopedic surgeon, one unnecessary surgery, three physical therapists, cortisone shots, MRIs, a bone scan, blood tests, two awful misdiagnoses including one where she was told that ignoring the pain might result in the loss of her legs, a medical massage therapist, two chiropractors, a nutritionist, a psychologist, and a Pilates instructor.
Everyone had a theory for why she hurt. No one could fix her.
She remained determined to beat what ailed her. She wore ice packs on the way to the studio, always arriving an hour early to stretch before taking lower level classes to build up her strength.
Before her injury she never did modifications, never sat out, and never made a peep about pain. Now teachers began to guess which joint was the complainer du jour when she approached them. Before every combination, every jump, she had to consider the potential consequences. Pain waxed and waned, but never stayed away long enough for her to progress.
If pain drags on long enough, eventually we must question whether to press on or find a new dream.
My daughter’s body made the choice for her, but it took a year for her heart to accept she is not meant to be a dancer.
For better or worse, writers rarely face such a metaphorical fork in the road. Instead, our options branch out around us like spokes in a wheel. For example, if fifty agents reject a manuscript, we can:
- Keep querying
- Self-publish
- Rewrite the query and/or manuscript
- Take classes/get an MFA to improve craft
- Find new beta readers
- Hire an impartial editor
- Set the manuscript aside and start another
- Give up entirely
This last option is the one I want to discuss today, because every writer I know has considered it at some point. Let’s face it, writing itself causes a certain amount of mental and emotional anguish, and the publishing world can make an American Ninja Warriors course look like child’s play. Most healthy and sane humans would not wish this upon themselves.
At what point, then, is it in your best interest to say “I’m done” and mean it?
Physical Pain
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome is no joke, nor is the pain many of us experience in our shoulders and backs from being hunched over a keyboard.
Nagging aches may be minimized by wearing a brace on the wrist, replacing the desk chair with a yoga ball for part of the day or, for more motivated multitaskers, investing in a treadmill desk. Those with arthritis or other conditions that make typing a challenge can use voice recognition software like Dragon.
Technology offers determined writers options, but if sitting in front of a computer for hours each day means spending the rest of your hours in misery, give yourself permission to stop, at least temporarily.
Mental Pain
This one’s a doozy for me. My novel takes place in the early 20th century, a time period I’d love to immerse myself in for an uninterrupted week or two. Alas, I have a 21st century husband and two kids, all of whom depend on me to know if we are running out of milk or if the field trip fee has been paid. The mental exhaustion that comes from being ripped out of one century and into another dozens of times daily is enough to make me wonder why I bother to attempt writing during summer break. (The answer: It’s not much better during the school year.)
Mental pain can also come from juggling writing and a day job, or a new baby, or a divorce, or a health issue or, let’s be honest here, a Facebook addiction. So many things vie for our attention that it’s easy to forget how to focus. The problem only compounds itself once a book has launched; add networking, promotion, fielding blurb requests, conferences, etc. to that list.
Just thinking about it all gives me a headache.
Some people use writing to escape a life that hasn’t gone according to plan. It could be therapeutic, even a lifeline. This post is for the rest of us, those for whom writing often becomes one more thing we should be doing, that item on our to-do list that never gets crossed out.
Rather than let the self-flagellation begin, take a step back and determine why your brain says ‘no’ each time you open your manuscript. If it’s an attempt to avoid a dreaded scene, accept that, take a deep breath, and plunge in anyway. If, however, circumstances beyond your control are at play—a sick spouse, a struggling child, a financial hardship—maybe the muse is shouting at you to deal with real life and come back when you are prepared to listen again. That may take weeks. It may take years. Either way, it is okay.
Emotional Pain
Most writers are sensitive souls; it’s that empathy that allows us to show the world through someone else’s eyes and (hopefully) inspire readers to feel deeply for our character’s plight. Our own fears, dark sides, and deepest secrets often bleed onto the page, too. We then expose that open wound to the world to be judged by complete strangers. Rejection happens at all stages of the publishing game. Bad reviews will happen. Exceptional books won’t always find an exceptionally large audience. Or any audience.
These are harsh realities, and not everyone can respond to such scrutiny by cutting deeper next time, revealing more. If this is you and you can be happy doing anything else, do it.
Those who are meant to write can try to stop all they want. Eventually a character will take up residence in their brain and refuse to be evicted.
A retired pen can always be picked up again. Thankfully writing, unlike dance, isn’t an all-or-nothing pursuit.
Your turn. Have you ever felt compelled to give up writing (or another dream)? How did you go about re-inventing yourself? If it was something you could later return to, did you? Did you learn anything about yourself in the process?
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About Kim Bullock
Kim has an M.A. in English from Iowa State University. She writes mainly historical fiction, though has also contributed non-fiction articles to historical and Arts and Crafts publications in both the United States and Canada. She has just finished The Unfinished Work of M.A., a novel based on the rather colorful life of her great-grandfather, landscape painter Carl Ahrens.
In my case at least, I don’t think about quitting, but I’ve certainly had leaves of absence sprinkled throughout my writing years. No doubt that will be the case as long as I breathe and have conflict. And who doesn’t?
Thanks for stopping by, Brenda. “Leaves of absence” is a great way to put it. I’ve stopped writing before – once did it for a few years in my twenties because I tried to have a practical job. That was a miserable experience!
Excellent post (and sympathies to your daughter!). It is hard to straddle two time periods, live IRL and that other world. But also, it’s like having a magical secret from the world, right?
I can’t say I ever wanted to give up writing. It has often been more difficult at certain times than others, but it has been a blessing to be attached to story, rather than external measures of success. It’s also a blessing of my nature to be adaptable, or flexible–if one thing stops working, I find it exciting rather than depressing to explore a new frontier. For a short time while I was divorcing, when I recognized that my career had not been great for the relationship, I was depressed about it. But by then I had a kid in college, and deadlines, and the show had to go on.
You are right – having the ability to transport myself mentally and emotionally to another century IS like having a magical secret from the world.
I have set aside writing before, but have always come back to it. I’ve known what I was meant to do since I was about five, and there’s no use fighting it. I learned the hard way that I won’t be happy doing anything else.
My daughter is proving to be far stronger about this than I anticipated she would be. There have been tears, sure, but she’s had a long time to come to terms with it. She had set aside art for dance a long time ago, and seems to be drifting back to art again.
You are right to focus on pain. Pain is a warning. Injury is underway.
Pain in relationships is real. Pain in one’s knees is real. Pain in the creative act is real. We seek help or break up. We consult many doctors. But what do we do when the creative act becomes painful?
Quitting is not the only option. In relationships, we try to work it out. In medicine, the least invasive remedy is the first to try. In writing, taking a break is less drastic than quitting. We can also try writing something new.
We should also consider the difference between pain in writing and pain in seeking publication. The latter is without question a painful experience. How could it not be when the competition is extreme and the bar is set at Olympic heights?
Pain in writing, though, has many cures that cost nothing and feel good. One is writing only what brings joy. Reward is nice too, but joy is the opposite of the warning of pain. It’s a signal that we are becoming strong.
I feel for your daughter. I’m dismayed that medical science is not precise. I hope she will find joy in other ways. She will. She’s got a great mom. We are more fortunate. Writing rarely involves pain beyond hope.
Thanks for this post.
I agree with everything you said Benjamin.
This a a beautiful piece of writing, Benjamin, and very wise as well. Thank you.
Yes, there is a huge difference between pain in writing and pain in seeking publication. For me the writing pain comes more when I’m trying to work up the courage to write something I dread, such as when a character I adore has to die. That pain, though real, can be cathartic, and I can deal with it easier because I have the power to choose a different course. With seeking publication, that control is out of my hands. All I can do is write the best manuscript and query I can and send it off to be judged. The work of a decade could be dismissed in a blink.
Thank you so much for the compliment about being a good mom. I don’t always succeed in that, but I always try. This past year has been a hardship on everyone. It might have ended earlier had I insisted she stop dancing, but my husband and I both felt strongly that the decision had to come from her or she would never make peace with it. I think she will have that peace when she finds something to fill the void. She’s a strong girl. It will happen.
Big heartfelt hug to you from this dad!
Wow, great post, and great comment by Benjamin. I’m in a place where I needed these words and thoughts. Thank you both so much.
Thanks, Kristan!
Kim, this is such a wonderful post and I’m going to forward it to a dear friend who is thinking about quitting entirely because of the emotional pain, not of the writing, but of the publishing part. I’m so sorry about your daughter, but I hope a secondary love will surface, allowing her the same joy.
Writing is my second love; medicine was my first. And I gave up that dream as a young woman because I was afraid of borrowing money, of failing. I still regret it, because I know now that it is okay to borrow money to invest in your future, that it’s okay to fail because you can try again. I did the safe thing instead — became a research scientist. Did that for 15 years before getting married and having children … and that secondary dream of writing surfaced. I don’t have the best health, but I can manage to write because it brings me joy. I write because there are stories to be told. They need an audience so I seek publication. I’ve been lucky to have many stories published, but I always write first for myself. Even if I were the only person on earth, I would write because this is how I begin to understand the world. Of course, first make sure no bears are in sight (in ref. to yesterday’s post).
Hi Vijaya,
Until a couple of years ago my daughter was pursuing art as well as dance, but it came to a point where she had to make a choice. Both took up a great deal of time, especially when you add schoolwork on top of that. She chose dance. Since she has had to hang up her pointe shoes, she has slowly been drifting back to art. I hope she eventually pours all that creative energy there, even if she never makes a career of it.
Writing was my first passion and it does bring me joy, when I am actually free to do it! I gave it up for a few years in my twenties, when I had the practical corporate job. I’ve never been more miserable. I looked fine on the outside, but inside I was just a shell. I have not gotten much done in the last year, either, since my own pursuits were sidelined in favor of helping my daughter. Hopefully things will improve now.
Sending you healthy vibes and warm wishes!
Aw, Kim. I feel for the kiddo. She was such a beautiful and graceful dancer. And I know it’s painful (in more ways than one!). But you know what? I’m 100% sure that she will find another awesome release for all of that beauty and grace. There’s just no way she could ever contain it all!
You’re such an amazing mom, and an amazing writer and storyteller. As for me, my characters always bring me back, every time I even think of walking away. And I know yours do, too. Carl’s and Madonna’s story *must* be told. It’s all about to happen for you. Hang in there, both of you!
Hi Vaughn,
She’s a strong girl, as you know, and with each passing day she seems more at peace with everything. She didn’t get upset when audition results came out and all her friends were promoted to senior company. She didn’t get upset when her sister made it into the lowest level of company. The next test will be Nutcracker auditions in a couple of weeks. She can pretty much avoid the studio, but she can’t avoid productions.
She asked to have her drafting table set up again, so I’m hoping she dabbles more in art for a creative release.
You are right – there is no way Carl and Madonna would even let me strongly consider giving up. Thanks for the warm fuzzies. :-) You know I think you’re amazing, too, right?
I am seventy-two as of this morning. A male. A husband and a father with two children. My writing has been interrupted several times: a military stint during Vietnam, six years in Europe, a marriage, kids, and several moves. I kept journals – some of which got destroyed or misplaced. Though I have a few degrees I went back to college a year ago and surrounded myself with nineteen-year-olds. I rekindled the fires, edited a literary magazine, joined local writing groups, won a national writing contest (Writers Digest) published in regional art and writing venues and belong to the Fellowship of Wisconsin Poets. I write because I have always needed to. My thirty-seven and thirty-one year-old sons think it is “nice” but never ask to see what I have written lately. My wafe, an artist, encourages and edits my efforts as I do her artwork. Since first published June 18, 1958 (in Connecticut from where I originate), there have been many interruptions. But, I find writing is an essential part of who I am. I do not chase the latest fads. I do not write to be published. I write to learn more about myself, my feelings, and the world I inhabit. I attend writing institutes when I can. I subscribe to writing magazines. I read voraciously. I collaborate with other writers. I journal. Ensconced in north central Wisconsin, I ride my mountain bike, paddle my canoe, and ride my motorcycle with the love of my life. I do what I can with what I have and … I write – sometimes with white ink on white paper, but … I write. I always write.
What a beautiful life.
Wow, Michael, what a life you’ve had, and Happy Birthday! I admire your dedication and passion, and congratulations on your Writer’s Digest prize. That’s no small feat.
I’ve had interruptions, too – a corporate day job for a few years, raising two wonderful children and, of course, this past year my daughter’s health had to take priority. I always do find a way back to it, though, because I’m just a shell without writing.
Thank you for your beautiful comment!
Dear Sister Kim, I have been fortunate. I have no idea why I am still alive. I am hoping there is some meaningful purpose to my being born – meaningful to others. The mission of my college is “Men in service of others.” I did not write about the motorcycle crashes, one son’s bells palsy (sp?), the other son’s two back operations, my wife’s operations. It happens, but we are still here loving and caring for one another. As with Emil Zola, when asked why I am here, I scream out my answer at the top of my lungs, “I came to live out loud!” Sometimes it is more of a whimper. Not a Bible thumper, but The Book of Job is my favorite. I believe in some sort of Supreme Being. I believe the pain (physical, emotional, spiritual) is to remind us that we are alive right now – but not for too long and we better make some decisions that benefit ourselves as well as others. Brian Andreas (Story People) writes that no hurt remains with us very long without our help. I try not to help it endure. I thank you for your WU essay. It reminds me I am not the only one. Be well, Sister.
You sound a bit like my daughter here, Michael. From a very young age she said she felt she was here for an important reason. She just hasn’t discovered it yet! :-)
Yes, sometimes you just have to step away. I put my first two manuscripts away for years at a time, and I don’t regret it. (They are finding their readers now.) Life changes, and new opportunities will arise. Don’t beat yourself up when things aren’t going as you planned — because that’s the one thing that’s virtually guaranteed to happen.
I’m also sure that your daughter’s perseverance will pay off beautifully in another field. Some of my very best students have been high school athletes who’ve been sidelined by injury, then transferred that discipline and hard-won maturity to their academics.
Hi Sandra,
She’s a tough kid, and she has a real talent in art, which she had given up for dance a couple of years ago. I’m hoping that she will drift back that way, and it appears she is. We redecorated her room to take out the barre and make it less dancerly, and she asked to have her drafting table back up. She is already a very good student. I’m hoping that she’ll thrive even more this year without the anxiety that came with trying to dance while injured.
I’ve had to walk away before, once for a couple of years. While I was miserable, it did teach me that writing is an essential part of my life. I can’t regret it because of that. I’ve always completed manuscripts I’ve started, but I have abandoned a couple shortly afterwards. I don’t regret that either.
Thanks for commenting today!
I agree with Benjamin’s distinction between the pain in writing and the pain in seeking publication. For me, the only true anguish I feel is in the second category. That ebbs and flows, and the writing itself is what helps it ebb. The act of writing and revising and editing is always positive for me, even when it’s hard, because it is the one thing in my life that truly challenges me to grow in skill. The rest of life is just routine, and without the writing I would have to find some other mental and artistic challenge or I’d be bored to tears and feel that life was rather pointless. Why simply eat, sleep, and work if I cannot contribute somehow to the whole of humanity? And that, right there, is why the struggle for publication gets me down–a writer needs to reach readers for that art to have meaning.
This existential crisis demands another cup of coffee…
Erin,
You hit the nail on the head with your comment about a writer needing to reach readers for that art to have meaning. That’s what makes hearing nothing but ‘no’ or ‘I just didn’t fall in love as much as I’d hoped’ so hard to take sometimes.
It’s definitely the trying to get published part that is hardest for me to take emotionally. On the writing side of things I really enjoy revising/editing, but not so much the initial composition. I probably enjoy editing a little TOO much, actually. :-P
Indeed. Drafting has its pleasures when it is going well, but revision is where things truly come alive.
That’s what I think, too!
Thank you for the beautiful post. It’s a hard decision she had to make and I know her heart will always ache a little. But it shows a level of maturity that she was able to make that decision. Life has so much to offer a smart and artistic young woman. I’m sure she will find something as an outlet.
Your post reminded me of two things.
1. A few years ago a friend asked about the progress of my book. I was in major revisions and explained the process. She said, “Oh my goodness! Why would anyone put themselves through so much work?”
I was taken aback. Why wouldn’t I work so hard? I consider the process to be like that of any other art. We work and rework our product, always perfecting and learning. And why? Because we are compelled to do so. We HAVE to.
2. And my second point. I remember years ago, before I had a complete manuscript, I had a moment of panic at the thought I may die of a disease or in a car wreck before I could get it all written down. No one would know the whole story. I’m sure other writers can relate.
I still get that feeling sometimes because I have at least a dozen more stories floating around in my cave of a brain. But I have achieved my major goal of having written at least one book, that I’m still perfecting. 😊
Hi Val,
She has often shown wisdom and maturity beyond her years – definitely an old soul. He anxiety level dropped considerably as soon as she was finally able to speak her decision aloud. There is a level of sadness, but also a level of relief. She’s a sensitive, hyper-empathetic kid and that doesn’t exactly mesh well with the sometimes cut-throat world of professional dance. She was terrified of auditions, too.
Point # 1 made me laugh. Yes, I definitely have to write, and I have to write this story in particular. It won’t let me go. Non writers never get the compulsion and that’s part of why the UnCon was so great. Everyone got me!
I relate to that panic that something would happen to me and my story wouldn’t get told. I’m the only one who can tell it!
Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment!
A lovely, meaningful post, Kim, and I do hope your daughter has found another passion. Writing has always been mine, though like Vijaya medicine became my second passion and I was able to become an RN in my forties, write for a nursing magazine and also teach diabetes education. For a while, those endeavors made my fiction a second choice, but I never stopped writing. Even elbow and back pain could not keep me from the computer. Now fiction is my major endeavor and though the publishing part of it continues to be a big challenge, I will never give up writing. And to answer your question, if I couldn’t do the physical writing, then I’d get a tape recorder and talk into it. At least I’d give it a try.
Hi Beth,
Early on my daughter had a passion for both art and dance. It got to the point that they were both really time consuming and she had to choose. She chose dance. Now that dance isn’t an option for her, she is drifting back to art.
I agree about publishing being a challenge. I was “close” to getting an agent multiple times with my WIP and am now doing a major rewrite. Even if it never gets published, this is a story I must tell.
Thanks so much for commenting and good luck with your fiction!
The other dream was physics. It was ripped away from me by illness.
I always knew I would be a writer some day, and, twenty years ago started making that a reality. It takes a long time to learn to write well, especially with limited energy and brain functionality.
It is ironic that writing is the ONLY thing I can do.
If I lose that, it will be the end.
That’s not why I write – I write because I love writing, and because all the problems work out after I have spent enough time on them (it can be months on a 400 word section – like the one I just finished – but it came out so well!).
You will have one severely depressed person if I lose writing, but it’s hard to imagine I would lose all writing, and being able to do some will be infinitely better than none. I’m not too worried – most of the time.
I’m sorry to hear about illness ripping away a dream. That’s awful! My husband has a PhD in physics and he loved it, but he was worried about the job security with post-doc positions at research labs and went in a different direction for work.
I can relate to the needing to write part. I tried stepping away for a couple of years and really lost myself. I just wish I could come to love the composition part as much as I do the editing!
I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter. Being kept from what you love doing by physical pain is the worst thing ever. A few years ago, I experienced some pretty bad pain that kept me from writing for months. I have gotten over it now, but those were easily some of the worst months of my life. I’d be miserable if I couldn’t physically write.
For the curious/ones with similar ailments, what I had was NOT carpal tunnel syndrome, as every doctor tried to diagnose me with, but a repetitive strain injury. It was not fixed by wrist braces and drugs (they made it worse); it was fixed by massage therapy and yoga. A lack of understanding for what was wrong with me made this way worse than it could have been if I’d gotten the right diagnosis from the beginning. My full post on this, in the hopes that it reaches someone who’s going through something similar:
https://wanderlustywriter.com/2016/07/11/writers-on-your-health/
Mary-Kate,
I read your blog post and felt it important enough to share on my Facebook and Twitter profiles. I’m pretty sure that this explains the issue I have with my shoulder.
My daughter’s experience has taught me to be very leery of doctors, especially orthopedic surgeons. I would only go to one as an absolute last resort and would not agree to surgery unless all other options have been tried. My daughter’s surgery was completely unnecessary, we’ve come to believe. The issue was not even with her knees, which is where she felt the pain. It’s with the structure of her hips. That can’t be fixed, but the problem was eased greatly with medical massage, a naturopath, and proper nutrition.
Ballet over-strengthened some muscles but left others weak. In time, that took a toll.
I’m so glad that you listened to your body, were open to alternative options, and found your relief.
I began writing in college back in the 80’s. This was before internet and self-publishing, of course. I never submitted anything, due to fear of rejection, I assume. I gave up writing because I knew that I couldn’t support myself on writing. So, up until a few years ago, when I retired early, I didn’t write. It was a long leave of absence. Now I have the time and don’t have to worry about having to work, I can devote myself to it full-time. There is one little problem though. I have been working on this particular WIP for a couple of years. I’ve read craft book after craft book, notes, tutorials, etc. The problem is, I can’t seem to get started. I try to plot and characterize it, the planning and outlining, and I come to a standstill. I haven’t wrote anything, because I am not sure where to get where I want to go. I think I am afraid again, but I’m not sure why. The only pressure I have is what I create for myself. My characters, especially my protagonist, keep talking to me. I will not quit this time. I just need to find out where to really start!
Hi Rebecca,
It certainly sounds like your big enemy is fear, and boy can I relate. I did write a post about this very issue with suggestions for trying to overcome it, but I can’t share it yet because it is included in the Author In Progress book written by the WU contributors and published by Writers Digest. It will come out in November.
If you are on Facebook, you can friend me. I can commiserate, if nothing else.
I wish your daughter a happy, fulfilling life. Maybe her passion for dance could lead her to a career–such as teaching or choreography.
Have I ever felt compelled to give up a dream? How did I re-invent myself?
The plan was to further my studies and work experience in the social services to complete a degree in social work. But a family tragedy put an end to this plan.
What do I do now? This question haunted me–creating stressful days and sleepless nights. Writing was the only weapon I had to take back my life. Slowly, very slowly, this weapon became the answer.
Hi Leanne,
I believe she is at a point where she wants to try something entirely new. She will always have an appreciation for dance, but it would be too difficult for her to remain in that world and not be able to perform. She is very artistic – at one time she loved art and dance equally – and I hope she drifts back that way.
Writing saved me, too. I relate completely. That’s probably why I was not able to give it up for long.
Kim, sorry about your daughter’s loss, but I would have loved to hear this story in HER voice. It’s a stark, real, in-your-face reality. Check out a blog on my site: https://wordpress.com/post/mlatelablog.wordpress.com/2146
What I Paid to Keep Writing,
@LatelaMary
Hi Mary,
Your links don’t seem to be working.
At some point I may use this experience to tell a story from the point of view of someone like her. I don’t feel it is my place to tell her story as if I were her, though. For the purpose of this post, I had to tie it back to writing, so I’m not sure it would have worked. Interesting suggestion, though.
Best wishes,
Kim
I actually don’t know what keeps me going in the face of my utter lack of discipline, lack of talent or whatever roadblock I might face tomorrow. But here’s my two favorite quotes from a writer whose primary, highly successful job in life was not writing, but was a great writer nonetheless ;
Success is not final, failure is not fatal, it is the courage to continue that counts.
And
Never, never never give up.
– Winston Churchill
Kim, big hugs to your daughter.
Great quotes, Thea!
I’m not always the most disciplined either, so I relate!
Each time I’ve lost a family member or friend, I’ve stopped writing for a while.
I’ve never given up reading, though, and that has eventually brought me back to writing.
My heart breaks for your daughter. A hug is no good, but it is all I have, and I send it to her.
Thank you, Damyanti. The letting go process was very long and slow for her. By the time she finally said “I’m done” and cut that last cord, she was ready. She seems at peace with it now, and actually happier.
Not only did I read this while on the treadmill, I’m also typing as I pace. Oh, I do have Dragon, but due to many excuses and lack of time, it’s not installed – yet.
I’ve given up in writing many times in all the long years of my life, especially now when my husband is quite ill; our blind, diabetic senior dog requires much of my time, and shoot me – a puppy too!
Writing is an expression of who I am. I’m missing me and grateful one day I will hopefully pick up the pen, attack the keyboard or, finally install Dragon.
It sounds like you have your hands full, Jeralyn! I’m laughing about the puppy. I tend to get one of those at the most inconvenient times.
You’re meant to write, clearly, and I’m confident you will soon be back at it in spite of everything.
Such a wonderful post! I have gone through periods of time where I have said “this time I quit for real”. But it was a matter of weeks and a story would be tugging me. The most drastic thing I ever did was sweep clean my office during one ‘quitting’ period which resulted in donating close to a hundred books from my reference library. Foolish and young call it. Within a day or so I went running to the library to get them back only to find out they were already shelved in the collection as well as put out for sale on the sale shelves. When I have those days where I feel like quitting (and mainly because of publishing issues/deadlines/industry stories) I keep this quote a friend shared in mind:
“If you get tired, Learn to rest, Not quit.”
Thanks for sharing your heart!
Oh, wow, I cringed over the whole cleaning out the office fiasco. Sounds like something I would have done in my younger years.
I love that quote and will have to remember it. I definitely need to learn to rest!
Very nice post. And yes, we may rest or retire for awhile. but coming back is always an option. Thanks for the reminders. I hope your daughter finds a new art form.
She’s a talented artist as well, though she had set it aside when she chose to dance seriously. I believe she will drift back that way in time.
Oh boy have I ever. The story is a long one and involves years of chemo fog that prevented me from writing. Having to consciously lay down the desire to write before God and leave it with Him, to wait for healing, that was tough. But what I learned in the silent season, about God, about myself, enriched the writing that eventually came.
I was young when I had cancer, but not as young as your daughter. I hope the fruit of this painful loss of identity and something she loved so passionately will in time be an enrichment to her soul in ways she cannot imagine yet. As someone above me mentioned, a hug seems so feeble but here’s another from me.
Hi Lori,
Thank you so much for your comment. I can only imagine what chemo fog would be like, especially when you are at an age where no one should have to battle with that awful disease.
It was a long, slow decision to stop dancing. I believe that when she finally voiced her intent, it was as much of a relief as a heartbreak. I believe she realized that even with the talent and passion she had before her injury, she did not have the emotional ruthlessness that a professional dance career would likely require. She would never be able to step on anyone else to get ahead.
I don’t see her falling into a depression. I think she went through that last year with the constant drive to push on despite her physical limitations. She’s free now, and I believe she’ll be happier in the long run.
This was such a great read. I’m so sorry about your daughter having to give up her dream, but she seems to have a good head on her shoulders.
I have felt this many times. I would want to write a novel, or start a blog, but I needed to get a “9-to-5 job” to make money, and writing went to the back burner. I felt stifled because I’d be too tired to write. I had to really think about what I wanted to do in my life, and it has been to write. It’s not easy, and sometimes I have to remind myself to do some writing, but I am glad I made this decision. My soul feels happier and freer doing what I love.
I had the corporate job for several years, and taught at a university before that. I was completely lost during that time because I didn’t even try to write. I found my way back, and it sounds like you have to. Be patient with yourself and the slower pace you are likely forced to take. Every word on the page is one word closer to the end and is a victory. :-)
My thoughts are with you and your daughter. Whatever path she chooses in the future, it is going to be nuanced and strengthened by the path of her past. And she will understand the meaning and the reason for both.
Blessed be.
So sorry about the challenges your daughter faced at such a young age, but glad that she is finding her way out of the quagmire.
I have been forced by health issues to slow down my writing to a mere trickle, from a gentle stream most days. I have Ramsay Hunt Syndrome which kept me away from writing for three months starting in January, and I have only recently been able to be on the computer more than an hour at a time.
During the worst of it, I didn’t write at all, then I made myself do even 100 words so I would not get too frustrated. When writing is a deep passion, long periods of time away can create monsters. (smile)