I really hate to be all me-me-me, but I got married last weekend, and let’s be honest: that’s all I can think about right now. It is a big, wonderful change.
It was also a bit of an ordeal. Like most ordeals, it taught me many things. These lessons aren’t necessarily specific to writing, but let’s be honest: if you’re a writer, everything reminds you of writing.
So here are a few important lessons that I learned, and how they can be applied to the work that we do:
1. Understand your vision, and stay true to it.
Years ago, my boyfriend (now husband!) and I decided that we were going to do our wedding differently. A small ceremony, with just parents and siblings, followed by receptions in each of our hometowns for the rest of our family and friends. The idea was to keep the exchange of vows intimate, but also to ensure that we could spend real, quality time with every single person who wanted to celebrate with us. That was our vision. Unfortunately, not everyone understood or appreciated it, and in the months leading up to our wedding, we faced some heartbreaking opposition. Only by reaffirming our vision time and again — both to ourselves and to those who preferred a more traditional wedding — did we manage to stay strong against doubt and frustration, succeed in our goals, and ultimately prove the naysayers wrong.
Similarly, in writing, you will encounter many people who insist, “This is how you should write a book.” “All novels of that genre must include X, Y, and Z.” “If you try something new, readers won’t understand and/or won’t like it.”
It’s okay to listen to those voices and consider what they’re saying — but it’s also okay to respectfully disagree. Writing, like a wedding, is not one-size-fits-all. Follow your heart. Trust your instincts. Be true to yourself.
2. Pick your battles.
After putting our foot down — and ruffling many feathers — in regards to the one thing that mattered most to us, we knew it would be best to compromise on the smaller stuff. (Plus we didn’t have the energy to fight anymore.) We completely redesigned our invitations to make my mother happy. I chose the dress my father liked best. We let our parents pick the venues for the hometown receptions. And we buckled to pressure from pretty much everyone and made a small registry, even though we had originally intended on having a no-gift policy.
Funny enough, the invitations and dress have gotten tons of compliments. The venues set a fun and unique tone for each reception. And if I’m being honest, both my husband and I feel excited (and honored) every time we receive a present.
In writing too, bending is better than breaking. Especially when you can make other people happy without sacrificing what’s truly important to you. This is something I think about a lot when working with editors and now my agent. What’s worth fighting for vs. what’s okay to give into. And you never know: sometimes those compromises turn into your story’s most pleasant surprises.
3. Let people help you.
Originally I was going to design the invitations, and address them by hand, and make the bouquets, and do my own hair and makeup, and assemble all the guest favors, and decorate the venues, and… You get the idea. But guess what? I’m not superwoman. Superwoman doesn’t exist. And the quickest way to ruin your wedding for yourself is to try to DO ALL THE THINGS.
Luckily, I have wonderful friends and family who insisted on lending a hand. (Or insisted on finding professionals, haha.) As soon as I relinquished certain tasks to my mom, my best friends, and my husband, I felt lighter, happier, and more relaxed. More able to enjoy the very thing I was working so hard to make enjoyable. They also came up with great new ideas that I had never even considered, and the collaborative effort made my wedding seem more like the joyous group celebration that I wanted it to be.
Writing often feels like a solitary venture, but there are people who can help you, and letting them do so will increase your pleasure and success tenfold.
Good critique partners are particularly wonderful creatures, who will somehow manage to walk that fine and essential line between cheerleader and reality-checker. They often also provide motivation and inspiration when it’s needed most.
4. Have patience and faith.
Our wedding took over four months of planning — and that’s really quick, as far as weddings go! Still it sometimes felt like the big day would never arrive, and my life would just be this endless series of phone calls, emails, and stress dreams. Then, even when the wedding was upon me, I worried that it wouldn’t live up, that something would go horribly wrong, and I’d regret it all.
But I had patience (mostly), and I had faith (usually), and in the end I was rewarded.
Writing is not a short game. It is not a sprint. We are running hard and playing long. The finish line is rarely in sight. Heck, the finish line isn’t even really the end. There’s always the next race, the next game. The next story. The next goal.
Write for the joy. Write for yourself. Only that can fuel you forever.
5. Be prepared for problems, and be able to laugh at mishaps.
After hearing a million wedding horror stories, I was ready for everything to blow up in my face. So I created backup plans. For example, if it rained on my outdoor wedding, I knew a spot with a roof where we could go instead.
It ended up being a beautiful sunny day, but that doesn’t mean everything went perfectly.
Just before flying in, my mom fell and sprained her wrist. When I went to pick up the flowers on the morning of the wedding, they weren’t ready. And after the ceremony, we had scheduled a lunch cruise with our parents and siblings, but the boat left without us.
Things will go wrong; all you can do is roll with the punches. All the better if you can do it with a sense of humor. You might find a typo in the query you just sent to your dream agent. You might read about a book deal with a premise that sounds just like yours. You might be headlining an event and no one shows. Just remember: None of these things will make or break your career. None of these things will make or break you.
6. Celebrate your victories.
Somehow, the florist got our bouquets and boutonnieres ready in an hour. The boat came back and we enjoyed a lovely meal on the river. The naysayers ended up admitting they were wrong and that they loved the way we did our wedding.
Most importantly, I married my favorite person in the entire universe. It was a happy ending and a happy beginning all in one.
The good news is, things will go right too. The starred review. The email from a fan who totally loved and understood your story. The pride in your father’s voice after reading your manuscript. The bestseller lists and the awards. No victory is too small or too great to be acknowledged in your heart. Be sure to appreciate them all.
Okay, that’s enough of my newlywed wisdom sap. What lessons have you learned from life recently, and how do they apply to your writing?
About Kristan Hoffman
Originally from Houston, TX, Kristan Hoffman studied creative writing at Carnegie Mellon University and later attended the Kenyon Review Writers Workshop. Now she lives with her family in Cincinnati, OH, where she writes both fiction and nonfiction with a focus on feminist, multicultural stories. Her words have appeared in the New York Times, Switchback, and the Citron Review, among others. She is currently at work on a Young Adult novel, and is represented by Tina Dubois of ICM. For more, please visit her website.
Getting a great idea is falling in love.
Writing the entire novel is marriage.
Editing is marriage counseling.
And if you’re writing a series, the rest of the books are babies.
Congratulations, Kristan, and much good luck to you.
And sometimes, when you’re struggling with a book that won’t obey, any other book you want to write, any other idea roaming around your head can seem so much more appealing to work on it can feel like adultery……
Haha, good metaphor. I’ve also heard of writing/publishing a book as being very similar to childbirth. Haven’t experienced that one firsthand yet, but I can see the parallels.
Thank you!
Wonderful blog and it sure appealed to the romantic in my soul. Men can be romantic, too. You have a great future ahead of you, both as a wife and a writer, and I did list the wife first for your lucky husband. Health and fortune and a long life to you both.
Bob
Thank you so much, Bob! I’m blushing.
You are very wise!! This is all good sound counsel! Marriage and writing are long games. And I love what Mr. Bell says, above. Esp. about editing! Congratulations on your wedding, and best wishes for an interesting life!!
Thank you, Susan!
BELIEVE is the lesson life is teaching me right now.
Believe you are a writer.
Believe that your own unique way of writing will touch people.
Believe that this is what you are meant to do.
Best wishes!! Wonderful advice, especially (for me) the letting-go part where things turn out even better than expected!
I love this. Especially: “Believe that your own unique way of writing will touch people.”
Thank you!
Great post and great analogy. Blessings on your marriage and your writing. They truly are very similar.
Thank you, Carolyne!
You are so right on so many points. I love this post! Congratulations on your marriage and best wishes for many, many happy years ahead of you. ;)
Thank you, Lara!
Hi, Kristan:
First, muchas felicidades y felicitaciones. May your days together on this earth be many.
My wedding is coming up (October 11), my second marriage. The first, we had the wisdom to elope. But Mette, my fiancée, has too adamant a family and too many friends for an elopement to work. So, yeah, we’re facing much of what you’ve described, and yes, almost all those lessons translate to writing lessons.
But doesn’t everything? If our books aren’t about life, what are we writing about? And how can we write about life if we don’t let our own lives inform us?
One of the most important things I ever learned was this little chestnut: Writing problems are personal problems (he says, sadly). I’ve learned this over and over with each new book. Fortunately, there’s a hopeful corollary: Solving writing problems can help solve personal problems (if you let it).
Other than that, I can’t improve on Jim’s comment, which is still echoing around inside my brain. (He tends to say things that do that.)
Thank you, and good luck with your own nuptials! I hope it’s a beautiful day for you and your families. :)
First, congratulations, Kristan. I do hope you have many happy years ahead of you.
One of the lessons I learned this past year is to pick myself up and keep on going when life and writing gets tough. When you hit a huge speedbump, you can either just stop, or garner the energy to get over it. Not that we ever “get over” losing important people in our lives, but we learn how to not let the grief hobble us.
Thank you, Maryann. And I’m so sorry for your loss. I agree that writing through rough times is one of the hardest — but also most important, and often healing — things we can do.
Oh Kristan, I LOVE this! The lessons you mentioned are so important, both in writing and in life. I’m so very glad the wedding was such a magical day to remember. Wishing you both the very best always! :)
Thanks, Shari!
Lovely blog, congratulations, and loved James Scott Bell’s comments!
Thank you, Carol!
Excellent analogy! And Congratulations!
Writing is like marriage indeed, a total soul commitment to the success of the work.
One thing I would add. As one who has been married to (and in love with) the same woman for more than 26 years I’ve come to realize it is a give and take. Every time you think you’ve got it figured out, start looking for what you’re missing.
Writing, like marriage, can get sweeter and sweeter as time goes by, but you’ve to keep working at it to keep it successful.
I love this phrase: “a total soul commitment.”
Thanks for the well wishes, and the additional wisdom! I couldn’t agree more.
Congratulations, Kristan! If you’re only a week post-wedding ceremony and able to speak of it this optimistically, you’ve done very well.
It strikes me that a big part of your success relates to picking a fabulous team from the get-go–one which deserved your trust. Perhaps another parallel to writing.
Lol thanks, Jan. Let’s just say that the earlier drama put things into perspective rather quickly, so it isn’t too hard to appreciate things now.
And yes! Having a good team/support network is so important.
What a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing, and congrats on your marriage! May it be as wonderful as your wedding.
Thank you very much, Liz!
Congratulations! Great post. And great to see you learning lessons from your life for your writing. I tend to process a lot of what is going on in our family’s life through my writing – it’s great therapy! ;D
Thank you! And omigosh, yes, I process *everything* through writing, too. For better or worse, haha.
Wonderful post and congratulations. If everyone’s marriage and writing follows your guidelines, there will also be a happy ending, sailing off into the sunset! No divorces or depressed writers!
Haha, thanks, Sherry! Wouldn’t that be lovely?
Kristan-
A no gift policy? Ha. Good luck with that. As you found out it’s all but impossible to stop people from giving you a cut-crystal salad bowl.
It’s the thought that counts, right? What, though, is the thought? Even re-gifting (which I strongly suspect) is a kind of hope, a good wish, a word of encouragement. The thing is, people want you to succeed.
That’s true in writing too. Even critics don’t write reviews thinking, “I hope your writing fails and dies!” Criticism is offered, not thrown spear end first. Well, not usually. Lillian Hellman and Mary McCarthy notwithstanding.
Even the hated “gatekeepers” of New York do not guard the gate hoping to keep people out. They want writers to get in. If for no other reason than it’s the only way they make money.
To your silver list of lessons I can add only this: The community is cheering you on. I know it doesn’t always feel like that but it’s true.
And your post is a perfect example. Thanks for sharing another bell-ringing metaphor for writing. And congrats. Welcome to Act. II.
Well I suppose every salad deserves to be fancy. ;P
Thank you for your kind words, and for your added wisdom!
Aloha and thank you for taking the time out of your honeymoon to share such a thoughtful post. Writing is about life, as David put it so well.
Congratulations on your marriage and may each day be a new chapter of love and partnership!
Thank you, Andrea!
And no worries, I’m not interrupting my honeymoon for blogging duties. ;P We’re still in the middle of our “wedding tour,” with the hometown receptions coming up, and a quasi-honeymoon to follow.
Wonderful post, Kristan. Congratulations!
Thank you, Cindy!
Wonderful post with apt comparisons. Thank you, Kristan, and huge congratulations to you!
Thanks so much, Therese!
AAAHHHH SO EXCITED FOR YOU! Huge congrats on the wedding, and I’m so happy to hear that you had a wonderful ceremony. Great post — I love how you were able to relate life to writing. Lots of best wishes to you for the receptions and marriage! :)
Thank you, Linda!
What a great post! Yes, yes, yes, pick your battles, stay true to your vision, and let people help you. Good advice for everything.
I’m so glad the boat came back for you. I was worried!
And congratulations!
LOL thanks, VP! We were worried too!
In the immortal words of Rumi (well, his younger brother, Truthie, actually) Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence. Blessings, you crazy kids!
Hah! That Rumi. Thank you!
Congratulations to you! Coming across this post was timely for me. Our family celebrated a wedding this past weekend, so I was primed to see your analogies.
The bride and groom had one vision for a casual, country-themed event that was supported by the bride’s parents. The groom’s mother had a different vision, for a traditional do-it-by-the-book event. She couldn’t see any other kind of wedding being ‘proper’, but the formality she desired terrified the bride and groom. There were small compromises, but not many, and the simple country-styled wedding was both beautiful and meaningful. The groom’s parents graciously attended, but they looked decidedly uncomfortable at the barn dance reception!
The analogy here might be to go ahead and write the genre that you’re most passionate about, even if others don’t ‘get it’. LOL!
Thank you, Carol! And yes, I think writing in the genre you’re most passionate about is another wise lesson. Similarly: You can’t please everyone.
Congratulations on the wedding, Kristan! Came across your post rather by coincidence and absolutely loved reading it. One of the biggest lessons I have learned from life recently is to keep the faith, come what may. As you rightly said, patience and faith are two of the most important virtues a writer must hold on to and practice each day. Have a great life ahead :)
Thanks so much, Akanksha! Same to you!