Hello Blog Readers: It’s Erika Robuck, and I’m here to introduce Natalia Sylvester‘s incredibly smart and fascinating post about boundaries on social media. Natalia is a copywriter and the founder of @InkyClean. Her debut novel, Chasing the Sun, will be out 5.20.14 from New Harvest. You can learn more about her by visiting her website and following her on Twitter.
If you are a writer with any kind of social media account, I encourage you to read this. It certainly hit home for me.
Too Social for Comfort: How to Build an Online Presence and Stay Safe
A few weeks ago, I attended a brunch hosted by my building so residents could get to know one another. With my breakfast taco in hand, I introduced myself to management and briefly panicked when, wide-eyed and smiling, one of the staffers said, “I know your secret.”
Cue the nervous laugh. “What?” I asked.
“You’re famous! You’re an author!” He explained that since he manages my building’s Facebook page (of which I’m a fan) he’d clicked on my profile, which led him to my website, my blog, my Twitter page, my Pinterest profile, the name of my favorite childhood doll, and a bevy of other information I’ve put out on the buffet table that is my online presence.
Although he was everything an author could hope for in a fan—excited about my book, enthusiastic about sharing the news with others—this unexpected intersection between my “online” life and my “real world” life made me realize how thin the line that separates the two truly is. I may be far from famous, but like many authors hoping to build a platform and promote their work, my information is out there—and I have no idea who’s taking it all in.
The Cyber-Stalker
Sometimes things start innocently enough. Author A met a woman at a local social event and didn’t think much of it until she started getting repeated invitations for future events via Twitter. Over time, the follower’s Tweets and Direct Messages became increasingly intense and persistent, enough to make Author A consider blocking her.
[pullquote]All in all it was a low level of stalking, but it’s amazing the amount of anxiety it produced. I felt so violated, yet I had to keep up my social media presence for the good of my book sales – and my publisher’s impression of me doing my part.”[/pullquote]“Some of her DMs were very, very creepy. Nothing I could take to the police, really, but overly familiar and clingy.” Hoping to deter her follower, A stopped responding to her tweets, but it took about a year for the woman’s tweets to die down, at which point she blocked her. “All in all it was a low level of stalking, but it’s amazing the amount of anxiety it produced. I felt so violated, yet I had to keep up my social media presence for the good of my book sales – and my publisher’s impression of me doing my part.”
Author B also met a fan in person at local events, but it wasn’t long before this person’s devotion began to make her uncomfortable. Aside from rarely missing a chance to attend B’s events, this superfan began messaging her constantly on Facebook and Twitter, telling B she was a beautiful person, and how much she meant to her. She took offense when B removed her from her personal page and asked that they keep in touch via her author page—it was as if this fan thought she and the author were close friends.
Even Friends Have Boundaries
But in a way, isn’t being friendly the goal of social media? We’re told that being authentic and engaging with readers is key, that’s it’s important to build connections that feel personal so that fans will want to support you. Where do you draw the line between being accessible and giving too much access?
Shennandoah Diaz, a writer and social media coach for authors, advises writers to remember that they’re in charge of how much they put out there. Mind the details: personal contact information, specifics about places you frequent or establishments near your home are things that are often shared online without too much thought. But in the wrong hands, they can be used to track you down.
[pullquote]Personal contact information, specifics about places you frequent or establishments near your home are things that are often shared online without too much thought. But in the wrong hands, they can be used to track you down.[/pullquote]Always check the privacy and location settings on your social accounts—many are set to public or to show where you are by default, but can be adjusted to share as little or as much as you’re comfortable with. When using apps like Foursquare or tweeting about an event, check-in only when you’re leaving or if you plan on having someone with you the whole time.
“Bottom line, marketing you and your work is about building connections, but not about making you a target. Set your boundaries and stick to them, watch what details you share—really they aren’t crucial to your marketing plan anyway,” she says, noting that she’s had to incorporate cybersafety into all of her workshops due to rising instances of cyberstalking, and has even created a Cybersafety Checklist for this purpose.
Help Others, Protect Yourself
Having learned from experience, Author A now feels very leery of connecting with new people outside of publishing. “I have kept what would seem like benign details about my life a secret to avoid the scary nightmare fantasies writers are prone to imagining – coming home from vacation to find her in my wedding dress cooking oatmeal in my kitchen, etc.”
But even connecting with those within the industry can present its share of problems. Contacted through her website by an alumna of her college, Author C agreed to write a blurb for a fellow writer’s book if she found the time, and asked her to send the manuscript to her home. In the weeks after the writer mailed her manuscript to C, she emailed constantly to check on her blurb’s progress, until finally the author wrote back saying she wouldn’t have time for it after all. “I wished her the best of luck,” C says. “Within 24 hours it was clear she was writing bad reviews [of my novel] under cloaked names.” Though the reviews were eventually deleted, the author’s unease remains. “She lives close by and it’s very upsetting. I was only trying to be nice to her and now I feel very threatened.”
[pullquote]When someone is making it a point to go online every day and harass you, not only is it against social media rules (and they can have their account banned for life), its also against the law and subject to criminal charges.”[/pullquote]If you ever feel you’re being cyber-bullied, Diaz recommends getting local law enforcement and even the FBI informed. “When someone is making it a point to go online every day and harass you, not only is it against social media rules (and they can have their account banned for life), its also against the law and subject to criminal charges,” she says.
As for C, she’s sworn to never give out her address again; all requests for book blurbs or any sort of correspondence must go through her literary agent or publisher.
But You and I, We’re Okay, Right?
If you’re reading this and wondering if you’ve ever creeped out an author by reaching out to them, the good news is you probably haven’t. All the authors interviewed for this article agreed that these instances were rare; hearing from friendly readers and fans is one of the most rewarding things about social media.
Still, it’s important to know where to draw the line. Don’t ask an author questions you wouldn’t ask a stranger, and respect their need for privacy and space. Readers often feel like they know an author because they’ve read their work and interviews, but the author doesn’t know them. “It’s disorienting. And a huge adjustment no one talks about,” Author A says. “And we’re not movie stars. I don’t get paid bodyguard employing money. But in the days of selling the author not the book, we’re out there quite a bit and very accessible.”
[pullquote]By all means, do email an author to tell them how much you enjoyed their work, but don’t expect to hear back minutes later, or to become lifelong pen pals once you do. Sending messages about their appearance, attractiveness, or why they haven’t written back isn’t likely to foster feelings of buddy-buddiness.[/pullquote]So what’s a friendly fan to do? By all means, do email an author to tell them how much you enjoyed their work, but don’t expect to hear back minutes later, or to become lifelong pen pals once you do. Sending messages about their appearance, attractiveness, or why they haven’t written back isn’t likely to foster feelings of buddy-buddiness.
Feel free to share details about an author’s events with friends who might be interested, and even post pictures you took with the author on social channels if you’re so inclined. But don’t follow the author to every event of their book tour and expect to have dinner and drinks afterward.
When in doubt, remember that in any interaction, online or in-person, social etiquette and common sense still apply.
Have you ever had a difficult experience with a fan or follower? How do you protect yourself while maintaining an online presence?
About Natalia Sylvester
Born in Lima, Peru, Natalia Sylvester came to the U.S. at age four. A former magazine editor, Natalia now works as a freelance writer in Austin, Texas and is a faculty member of the low-res MFA program at Regis University. Her articles have appeared in Latina Magazine, Writer’s Digest, The Writer, and NBCLatino.com. She is the author of Chasing the Sun, named the Best Debut Book of 2014 by Latinidad and chosen as a Book of the Month by the National Latino Book Club. Her second novel, Everyone Knows You Go Home, is forthcoming from Little A in 2018.
Great article, Natalia! It’s a job beating back those stalkers…I have to do it all the time. ;)
As I join more and more online social groups (just joined Pinterest), I always worry about how much personal to put out there. I hope to one day write something worthy enough to have stalkers, so even today, I watch what I say.
Thanks, ML. You’re smart to practice what you say online, at any stage of the publishing process, since everything online has such a long shelf life!
Have you ever ‘googled’ yourself? It’s eye-opening. Mostly what bothered me was the comments I had made on blogs and reviews I’d put on Goodreads. It’s not that I mind members reading those things, it just felt like someone had published my private letters on the Internet for everyone to see. I have learned to put only my first name on a blog comment.
I have, and it’s amazing what an archive there is out there, and how far back it goes, isn’t it? I’ve found guest posts I forgot I wrote, comments on blogs from 3-4 years back, even articles where I’m mentioned and I had no idea. I try to assume that anything I post online is public, because Internet privacy is always changing. (Sneaky smart move, though, commenting with just your first name! ;)
Being online and accessible to anyone who cares to look is very unsettling. I have a former boss who always had kind of a crush on me. He recently discovered my blog – it was obvious from various stats in my Google analytics – and has been following my work. He hasn’t contacted me in any way, so I have no real reason to feel violated. Yet since I’ve been writing a lot of romance and erotica, it makes me very uncomfortable knowing that he’s been reading it, particularly since we live in the same town. But I don’t see that there’s much I can do about that.
I try to google myself a few times a year. I mean, I don’t care if people know where I grew up or went to college, but I’ve found my home address posted online, and that’s a bit creepy.
I can definitely see why that would be uncomfortable for you, but as long as he hasn’t tried to get in touch, you’re right that there’s not much you can do. I think it’s important for all of us to realize what we can control (like what we share) and can’t control (like what people do with that info) and make all decisions based on that. I’m glad that you’re keeping an eye out for him…there’s no harm in staying aware at all times!
A mentor told me years ago not to put anything on social media that I didn’t want on the front page of The New York Times. With Times readership shrinking and social media trolls breeding like rabbits, it’s even truer today.
I fell victim to a stalker. As I was leaving a panel at a writers conference, a man walked up and asked me to read his novel. It was published, but he was seeking reviews and comments. I agreed because it was about a time and place where I had no first-hand knowledge. I e-mailed him my reaction, which included a comment that I felt the female characters were too thinly drawn and too stereotypical. I reviewed his book on Amazon and Goodreads, omitting that statement. He forwarded my e-mail to all his friends and relatives. They flooded my in-box with threats, called me racist, called me a bitch (may be the latter, but certainly not the former), and said they knew where I lived.
I bundled all the messages into a single tower and sent them to a friend. I never heard from any of these folks again. Something about seeing all your threats responded to by someone at the NSA (yes, that NSA) put the fear of something in them. Luckily, I haven’t to play the NSA card again…
Do NOT mess with me.
Wow, Betsy. I’m sorry you had to go through that, and so glad you haven’t heard from them again. I hope they’ll think twice about harassing you or anyone online ever again!
I am always thinking about this, and I’m glad to read more stories and POVs. It seems like such a fine line between sharing enough but not too much and feeling safe is the critical piece. I never share any specific information about friends or family without express permission and even then I keep it as general as possible. I’ve even gone so far as to change or exclude details. Thank goodness I’ve only once had to unfollow someone on Twitter who was making me uncomfortable and he didn’t try to contact me in any other way. It’s really scary.
I’ve always thought you’re very smart about this, Julia. I also try to keep mentions of family members or private matters to a minimum, or at least not mention names or too many details when I do. It’s become increasingly difficult with the lines between fan and friend being blurred on places like FB and instagram, though (thank goodness for pages and lists!).
I’m glad the follower on Twitter didn’t try to contact you any other way. I’ve blocked a couple of people, and am glad that they don’t even realize they’ve been blocked, so I haven’t heard from them again.
Natalia, you gave two examples of fans “stalking” authors. But I think you might be blogging the wrong market. I’ve had published authors (none associated with this WU blog) ask me to friend them on FB only to find that they post things about themselves that I find either offensive or embarrassing. I’d like to blame it on age and say, “Well, these authors are young and inexperienced and don’t understand how to be professional.” But that’s not the case. They’re not young and inexperienced. Which gets back to the whole NYT front page thing. Don’t these authors understand that I might not want to know these things about them. I just want to know what they’re doing in relation to writing. Yes, absolutely, don’t feel obligated to post every day and keep what you post professional.
I think for a lot of people, social media and the idea of the author having to promote themselves through it is still very new, so some authors may still be trying to get the hang of it. There’s so much conflicting advice out there–promote your book, but don’t just retweet reviews and links to your book, or be personable, but don’t get too personal. I can see why many fall into the trap of oversharing, which not only isn’t effective, but isn’t always safe, either.
Yikes, that’s scary. I have a memoir coming out in February that’s totally honest, revealing a lot of personal stuff. I felt I had to be authentic in order to be absorbing and understood there was some risk involved. But I continue to feel it was the right move and just trust in my readers not to come back at me with any nasty stuff. If someone does, I’ll just have to chalk it up to the cost involved when you put yourself out there.
Interesting point, Tony. I think there are different ways of “putting ourselves out there,” and a memoir is a perfect example. That kind of honesty and rawness and risk is essential in memoir, it’s what connects and resonates with readers. A lot of thought also goes into what should be shared, and how it serves the story. Memoir is not a sharing of all the details in our lives, but a sharing of the parts that tell the story.
I’m not sure that kind of curating is as prevalent in social media. Because it’s so easy to share, we often share nearly anything and everything. And we really should be taking as much care with those decisions of what to share, not just because it’d lead to better engagement, but because it helps protect us online.
I think you made the right move, too. Best of luck with your memoir!
I wish I had thought of all this a few years ago. In the beginning, all the posting and sharing was fun. Now, it’s rather scary at times. I am very careful about not mentioning my kids at all.
Marilyn, I don’t think I gave this much thought, either, when I first started blogging (probably because I couldn’t imagine my audience was more than 5 people…mostly close friends!). But at least now we know ;)
That’s true, Natalia. I hope it doesn’t come back to bite me.
An excellent post, Natalia and Erika. This is a topic that is always on my mind, having had several instances of being followed in the past. My biggest concern is for my children, though. I think very carefully before posting any indication of my whereabouts (always post after I leave), and rarely post photographs of their faces for even friends to see. There is no safe place on the internet.
Sure, social media is amazing, but it must be approached with care and caution, and, for authors and writers, professionalism. Thanks for the food for thought.
So sorry you’ve had to go through this, Jennifer. I don’t have kids yet but I often wonder how I’ll handle social once I do. I do have a 9-month-old niece, though, and I’ve changed several settings to private recently, including my instagram account, because I want to share pictures of her with family and friends, but not with everyone. It’s such a tough balance sometimes.
So far, I haven’t had any problems with anyone. Then again, I am not yet famous. Or published. LOL …yet!
But it’s never too early to start, right? I think cybersafety applies to all writers, whether they’re published or not, especially since so many start building their online presence before they’re published!
I agree with Natalia, Lorraine. Now is the time you really need to be careful – before you are more known in the cyber world. I was on dating sites in 2010 and 2011. With all the crazies that brought out of the woodwork, I now worry about being bothered by some of them. There was a stalker back then – I’ve never forgotten him and at the time threatened him with the sheriff’s office. If I’m lucky, he has forgotten my name by now and will never see my book.
Right now is your BEST time to be careful. Good luck with your writing!
Lovely to see you here, Natalia! This is a good post. I like Carmel’s comment, too, about the comments being part of our public content. We often think of these as not private, but personal, so it’s good to remember that comments show up in searches too!
I’ve never had a stalker, only very sweet “fans” and supporters, but I have had other writers who become frighteningly demanding about my support of them. (More similar to your Author C’s story: people who confront me about not sharing their work, PM me begging me to read their book, etc.) I find that to be a growing and disturbing trend, but so far for me it’s always been other writers who are the guilty party.
Interesting. I’m sorry you’ve experienced that, Annie. I think that’s one of the unfortunate effects of social media…some of the boundaries we’d usually see more clearly IRL become invisible in networks like Twitter, where anyone can follow you and start a conversation. I wonder if there are those who misinterpret an online acquaintance to be more of a friendship than it is. And friend or not, demanding anything from anyone is just plain rude.
I’m happy to say the only stalker in my life is my ever loyal dog. ;) I guess if I stopped giving him food and water, that might change. Maybe the same approach can be used for stalkers or harassers. If one stops giving “food” and “water”, it might encourage the stalkers to go away. However, I know that may be difficult for an author to do if they are in the middle of a book launch. :/
These stories are interesting yet important to share as they can help others stay safe. Great post, Natalia!
Haha, I love it! What a great metaphor. No food and water here, move along, now!
In all seriousness, though, even in the middle of a book launch, there’s no need to put ourselves out there so much. We don’t need to put out entire bowls of food and water. A couple of treats will do just fine ;)
Yikes! I’m not famous either, but I definitely made a conscious decision after I graduated from college that I would need to conduct myself professionally online, both as a positive reflection of myself, and as a protection for friends and family who may not have chosen to have a writer in their lives. :P
With the social media landscape ever changing, it can be tough to keep up, but like you said, it’s about figuring out our boundaries — and most importantly, remembering that we are allowed to have them!
Exactly. I think it’s easy to forget we’re allowed to have boundaries, because so many of us get caught up in the idea that we have to build a platform and show that we’re willing to market ourselves, etc. But marketing ourselves doesn’t mean having to give up our and our family’s privacy.
Wow, Natalia, this is some good stuff. I haven’t given it much thought as I’m not famous or even published, but I’ve been extra careful ever since that literary agent was attacked. Thanks for the great article. Also, that checklist is pure gold.
OMG, I remember reading about that; it was so bizarre and scary!
Wow– great info Natalia. And those examples were sort of creepy, even if most of it was low-level stuff. Yuck.