Therese here. Today’s guest is author Catherine McKenzie. Catherine’s second novel, Arranged, was just released–a book so fantastic, I had to blurb it. She’s here today to talk about what propels us forward as authors, especially beyond the first published book.
Why We Write
A while ago, an author friend of mine, who was feeling a bit of writing ennui, expressed the possibility of giving it all up. He was tired of the late nights writing after his day job, and since his books, while critically acclaimed, weren’t selling as well as Dan Brown’s, he wondered why he was putting in all this effort. “I’m not doing this for my ego,” he said, and those words have stuck with me ever since.
They’ve stuck with me though I admit that my first reaction was skepticism. My first book had just come out, and if I’m being honest, the month of January, 2010 was pretty full of ego. (In fact, I dubbed it “the month of me” and was thoroughly sick of myself by February). But at that moment, I remember thinking that the whole act of publishing a book—from writing, to getting an agent, to getting a book deal—had to be at least partially about ego.
And of course it is. But the more I thought about it, and the further I got past my own publication date, I began to understand what he meant. You see, that first novel, that first real novel that you get the agent and the book deal with, that novel isn’t written because of ego. I suspect it might be a little different in every case, but in my own, that novel was written because I couldn’t help myself. It was (often) all I could think about. What was this character going to do? How was I going to get from this conflict to the resolution? How was I going to get the images in my mind, seemingly so clear, down on the page when the link between my brain and my fingers often felt ephemeral? I was, in my own way, like Dylan, trying to capture “that wild mercury sound” in my head with words. And the effort, while sometimes trying and frustrating, was in the main fun.
Now it might have been hubris to think, once all the writing, editing, and endless drafts were done, that someone might want to publish this book. And I might have been seeking to gratify my ego (and have had that ego gratified) when I got an agent and a book deal. But in between those events (two years from finished manuscript to book deal, another six months to publication), there was lots and lots of rejection; lots of blows to the ego. And this mix of gratification and blows continued once my book came out. Because even if you’re Jonathan Franzen—which I make no pretension to be—there are people who dislike your book, who might even hate it. Sometimes those people are book reviewers with access to a large audience of readers. And because we live in the age of social networks and email addresses on author websites, readers can reach right out and touch you with their thoughts, negative or positive, as soon as they put your book down.
This might sound like I’m complaining. I’m not. I am aware of, and grateful for, the amazing luck I’ve had in getting not one, but two books published. But the further I’ve gotten into this process—the revisions, the worry about how the book will sell, the constant feeling that you should be promoting your book(s) somehow, all the time—it’s become less and less about ego.
And I think this trip away from ego is even more true if you’re lucky enough to have the chance to publish a second book (or anything past that first one really). Because those books often feel like they are more about contractual deadlines, and advances paid out, and expectations (real or imagined) about it being as good, or better, than your first book. It feels like it’s about justifying all of these resources being marshaled for you—the editing and marketing and publicizing. I mean, why did you get this chance, when so many others have tried just as hard, or harder, or longer, and failed?
Thoughts like these don’t feed a writer’s ego, but they certainly can destroy it, along with the will, or sometimes the ability, to write. Because, if I’m being perfectly honest, when you’re in the middle of that vortex, you sometimes forget why you even started writing in the first place. Wasn’t this fun once? Didn’t the words fly off the page, the ideas tumbling out faster than my fingers could keep up with them?
So why? Why do we continue to write? We, we happy few, we published writers?
I don’t have all the answers, but I can say this: we write because we see and hear people that aren’t there unless we write them down. Because the fun is there, you just have to look for it sometimes.
Because we must.
Why do you write?
Photo courtesy Flickr’s jefield
About Catherine McKenzie
A graduate of McGill University in History and Law, Catherine McKenzie practices law in Montreal, where she was born and raised. An avid skier and runner, Catherine’s novels, SPIN, ARRANGED, FORGOTTEN, HIDDEN, and FRACTURED, were all international bestsellers and have been translated into multiple languages. HIDDEN was a #1 Amazon bestseller, and a Digital World Bestseller for five weeks. Her fifth novel, SMOKE, was an Amazon bestseller, picked as a Best Book of October 2015 by Goodreads and one of the Top 100 Books of 2015 by Amazon. Her latest release, THE GOOD LIAR, released on April 3rd.
“…that novel was written because I couldn’t help myself.”
“How was I going to get the images in my mind, seemingly so clear, down on the page when the link between my brain and my fingers often felt ephemeral?”
It is these two quotes that make me feel that, in some universe, I may presume to call myself a writer. Even though I will never be published (I am fairly certain of that, I just don’t have the physical and emotional energy, at least not right now, to even think about querying,) I have felt these exact things.
Thank you.
To make millions of dollars!
Well, that would be nice, but I’m writing understanding full well that it’s not likely.
The reason I write is because I love to see that vague idea turn into something substantial. Through the writing and rewriting and editing and revising I wind up going places and meeting characters I never expected. Writing is one of the few places where getting lost is the journey.
Writing–committing words to paper in a logical order–is mental exercise, as much as jogging is a physical exercise. A strong sentence is the mark of a strong thought. For much of the day, most of us don’t bother with complete thoughts. Rather, formless impulses occupy our minds. (At least, that’s my experience, and I rationalize by hoping other folks are the same. Have I ever had a complete thought watching a football game?) Writing forces us to be logical, precise and complete. One of the big benefits of writing is that it is mentally rigorous, unlike most everything else I do. That’s one of writing’s big rewards and attractions.
Catherine, so glad you wrote about this compulsion that drives writers!
It is a reality!
Patricia
http://pmpoetwriter.blogspot.com/
I love this. LOVE it. Sometimes it’s so important to take a step back and remember what drew us to this passion in the first place.
I write because it brings me immeasurable joy.
I write because it’s my way of defying gravity.
I write because my characters’ journeys keep me awake at night.
I write because that blank page is really just an open canvas.
I write because it’s my way of dreaming too far and hoping too much.
I write because my characters become a part of who I am.
I write because that’s where my heart is.
I write because I genuinely believe it can make a difference.
I write because I want to.
I write because I need to.
I write because I can’t not write.
What a wonderful post that really nails it. How difficult to explain to people that while, yes, I think about myself, and my writing, all the time, most of it is while plagued with doubt. Why me? Is all this worth it? Does that constitute “ego”? But in the end, I keep writing, because I do think it’s worth it. Ego aside.
Great post and so true! Enjoyed this.~Ilie
… I write to create a world where things happen the way I want to. Where things that have gone wrong in this world can happen again. In a good way.
I write because it is how I discover what I believe to be true.
I write biography when someone or some people’s story grabs me heart, mind and soul and I want to shout it to from rooftops and tell everyone I know, because somehow this person or people have managed to live in a way that demonstrates the best of being human. They manifest the possibility that I, too, can live with courage, authenticity and hope.
It took me a while, but I finally realized writing is embedded in my DNA. It would be easier to escape my own shadow than to get away from the urge to write.
It’s not always the easiest path, which may be why I tried for so long to deny this itch to put words onto paper, but it’s the right path, and I’m glad I’m on it.
Great subject and most provocative. Made me think. My conclusion is that, being a ‘pleaser’, I want to delight. First, I want to delight myself by coming up with something that sounds just right. And, I want someone to read it and say, ‘Man, I wish I had said that’ or ‘I never thought of it that way.’ Bingo!
Yep, there’s not shortcut, no foolish desire, one writes because he cannot stop. Great post.
A really wonderful article and terrific responses. I am working on what will be my 6th published novel and sometimes I ask myself if I could have put my strengths into something else more stable…but I love to write. It’s who I am. And I have never finished a book that I didn’t burn to write. I guess I started writing because I had to. And here I am!
Discovering this post tonight has come at the perfect time. I have been feeling a bit deflated after getting my first novel published last month. All of that blood, sweat and tears – the worrying about whether I’m doing “enough” to promote myself, my book – yet I continue to write every day. I have to focus on the next book, the next story, and not on the “business” which breeds insecurity. We’re all crazy! And like everyone else, writing is in my bones, my DNA. Through writing, I find out who I am, what I’m made of, I find truth.
Thanks for all the great comments, everyone. And thanks, Therese, for letting me use the space.
I wrote a post on the exact same topic last year:
http://amloki.blogspot.com/2010/09/why-we-write.html
And it is heartening to see that my reasons as a writer who has published a few short stories are the same as yours, a twice-published author of books.
We write because we can’t help it.
As not yet published, I must admit that I love the anonymity of my time at the keyboard. No pending deadlines. No agents. No publishers/editors. Until that day comes, I will revel in the freedom of being an unknown artist.
Great post!
Oh boy does this one hit close to home. I have been wondering, “What if I just gave it all up? Never wrote again? Just ditched the anxiety of beating down that path to publication?” And then I see something or think something that ignites that writing place in my being and I’m rushing to find a pen and paper to jot down whatever evanescence just floated by. With two books on the shelf, it’s not about ego. I’ve seen my name in print, I’ve had signings. Have had fan mail and hate mail. Still trying to answer the why-am-I-striving? issue. I guess I’ll keep my fingers on the keyboard until I answer it. Thank you, Catherine for a great post.
Debra’s last blog…
Coming to this late, but I agree it can’t be about ego. The state of flow we all enjoy in the best writing times is about leaving self behind. It seems like when writers become most conscious of themselves, that’s when they least enjoy the process, too.
This is really lovely. I’ve asked myself Catherine’s questions many a time.
Cathy
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http://cathymariebuchanan.com/
http://www.facebook.com/cathymariebuchanan
http://twitter.com/CathyMBuchanan
I would say I write because the stories I create in my head make me feel something, and I want others to feel that same, beautiful emotion. I could keep the story in my head, play with it and dream about it all to myself, or I could follow the passion bursting inside and write it down.
That said, the process of writing is hard, cumbersome, and beset with all kinds of rejection. It’s not as intuitive as we would like it to be, you really have to learn and study the craft in order to render that story in your head properly on the page.
Is it worth it? I don’t know, I’m not a published author yet. But I feel like, if I can make someone else feel the way I felt, feel that beautiful emotion, then it may just be.
Oh Catherine, you’ve expressed my feelings perfectly! I love writing, but I hate the weight of expectation, the deadlines looming and the feeling that I’m really a fraud and I’m going to let everyone down with the next one. *sigh* It’s good to know I’m not alone. Thank you.
I love the magic of the written word – it’s the closest thing to telepathy I know. I love the way people live and love and have adventures in my head. On the other hand, I ask myself if I would continue to write if I knew no one would read my work and the answer is a definite no. So I guess there’s definitely ego involved. Shame it gets knocked out of you so quick.
RIght on, sistah!