Today on WU, I’ve chosen a query letter from the pile and will give it a makeover. This is a pretty good starting point, but we can do better. Here’s the text, as sent to me, but I should note; I redacted the specifics as best I could. I don’t want anyone to read this query and know exactly who / what book is being referenced here. (Maybe a few of you will anyway! But don’t go shouting it out in comments. Preserve anonymity unless the author outs herself.) Ready to begin?
Dear Agent X,
[Heroine Name] is looking for a man who is more interested in sex than blood or a tasty bite of her soul. He’s preferably single, employed, and, most importantly, alive. She knows she’s in trouble when her soul–who she named Grace because, really, if you hear a voice in your head you may as well give it a proper name–starts shrieking vague and prophetic phrases at the sight of [Hero Name], PR rep to the supernatural community.
Life continues its spiral into the bizarre when [Heroine Name] is attacked by a vampire, whipped Indiana Jones-style by an angel, and threatened by a powerful demon. All this and [Hero Name] expects her to believe that not only are they soul mates, but something happened in a past life that put their souls on the path to eternal damnation.
Bombarded by visions of the past and nightmares of the future, [Heroine Name] is ready to tell the supernaturals to stick it where the sun don’t shine–or, in the vampires’ case, where it does shine–even if it means losing the man she’s meant to be with.
[Book title] is a humor-infused tale of love, redemption, and sacrifice. This 95,000 word paranormal romance will appeal to fans of [several famous authors.]
For the past year I’ve been a reviewer for [reputable book site] and am a member of an extremely diverse critique group. A synopsis and the completed manuscript are available upon request.
Thank you,
Let’s go line by line.
Dear Agent X,
I probably don’t need to say this, but… double-check the spelling of the agent’s name. Review the query guidelines & make sure you’re only emailing if they accept e-queries or sending a snail mail if they don’t.
[Heroine Name] is looking for a man who is more interested in sex than blood or a tasty bite of her soul.
Leading off with this line makes me think this book has a chick-lit feel. If that’s accurate, then well-done. But what supernatural creatures eat the soul? Is this part of the world-building? If so, is it crucial to mention it in the first line?
He’s preferably single, employed, and, most importantly, alive.
This is a nice follow-up, but it can be snappier. Maybe something along the lines of ‘no more blood-sucking deadbeats’.
She knows she’s in trouble when her soul–who she named Grace because, really, if you hear a voice in your head you may as well give it a proper name–starts shrieking vague and prophetic phrases at the sight of [Hero Name], PR rep to the supernatural community.
This is a big jump without a segue. Why is this part of the first paragraph? I should have some idea of the plot by now, and I really don’t.
Life continues its spiral into the bizarre when [Heroine Name] is attacked by a vampire, whipped Indiana Jones-style by an angel, and threatened by a powerful demon.
This information needs to come earlier, first paragraph preferably, as it’s all more compelling than naming her soul or voices in her head.
All this and [Hero Name] expects her to believe that not only are they soul mates, but something happened in a past life that put their souls on the path to eternal damnation.
This is too vague. You may be able to get away with ‘something’ in a BS synopsis, but in a query, the book is written, and that something is defined. You need to give the agent the goods. Hook ’em! Don’t hold back.
Bombarded by visions of the past and nightmares of the future, [Heroine Name] is ready to tell the supernaturals to stick it where the sun don’t shine–or, in the vampires’ case, where it does shine–even if it means losing the man she’s meant to be with.
We don’t know anything about the heroine yet: what she does for a living, her role in the supernatural community. Why would she have the freedom to tell anyone to shove it if she’s just a random human who was attacked?
[Book title] is a humor-infused tale of love, redemption, and sacrifice. This 95,000 word paranormal romance will appeal to fans of [several famous authors.]
Two things. First, ‘love, redemption, and sacrifice’ are possibly the most general words to describe a romance in the English language. You need to nail this. Represent your story! And second, be careful with comparisons. Some of those listed seemed like apples and oranges to me; that is, if you’re like one, then you’re probably not like the other.
For the past year I’ve been a reviewer for [reputable book site] and am a member of an extremely diverse critique group. A synopsis and the completed manuscript are available upon request.
Agents care about platform. So unless you have fans of your own, reviewing is irrelevant. The critique group is also extraneous. I mean, it’s good for you, but it’s not a selling point. This paragraph needs to be limited to pertinent credentials. If you don’t have any, then you proceed to your closing, which also lacks punch. Of course you have a book and a synopsis. You want to display confidence and enthusiasm without seeming arrogant or over-eager. This is a tough line.
Now that I’ve given commentary along the way, I’m going to rewrite this query, using the information available to me.
Dear Agent,
According to (source, such as agentquery.com), you represent paranormal romance and I admire the work of your client (Name author – only do this if it’s true, but it’s a great opener), so I’m offering you a look at (Book Name), complete at 95,000 words.
(Heroine) was looking for love in all the wrong places, but she never realized a supernatural world lurked beneath the surface in (town name) until she was attacked by a vampire. When she surprises them by surviving, she’s contacted by a sexier-than-hell fanged liaison for a debriefing. The supernatural PR rep lights her fire in a big way, but she refuses to listen to the crazy voice in her head that says she’s been there and done that, and whoa, it was good.
Things only get wilder from there as (Heroine) is whipped by an angel, and threatened by a powerful demon. (Insert more plot and character details here.)
(Book Name) should appeal to readers of (good single author comparison). (Insert pertinent bio data, like, “I’ve been writing for four years, I have a degree in whatever, and this is my first novel”). I look forward to hearing from you and will be delighted to send pages on request. Thanks so much for your time.
Sincerely (or All the best,)
Always make sure you thank them for their time. Being polite costs you nothing and is always a good idea. Well, I hope this helped. If you have questions, I’ll be happy to answer them. If you want to post your own query in comments, I’ll take a look at it. I won’t give it as detailed a treatment as I did this one, but I’ll give tips.
About Ann Aguirre
Ann Aguirre is a bestselling, multi-published author with a degree in English Literature. She is a prolific writer, with nine releases planned for 2011 alone. She writes romantic science fiction and urban fantasy under her own name. As Ava Gray, she writes high-octane romances. She also writes "hot paranormal apocalyptic action" with fellow author Carrie Lofty under the pseudonymn Ellen Connor. Follow her on Twitter.
This is extremely helpful. Mine has had a few hits, but the track record isn’t great. I’m sure it can be better, but feel like messing with it just causes confusion! Here’s mine if you’re willing to look at it:
Dear [Agent name]:
I’m querying you because [personalized]. EMERGENCE OF THE FEY is a fantasy novel complete at 98,000 words.
When Marian isn’t helping her mother with her herbalist trade, she retreats to the forest. The woods hold a secret for her alone, a crying entity that echoes her own loneliness. When she overhears plans to cut down the forest, Marian is determined to find a way to stop it. Unbeknownst to her, the Fey have their own agenda for saving the forest. They burn the village to protect the spirit of their banished goddess. Marian helplessly watches the fire rage, knowing her mother is inside. Furious at the loss of her mother, Marian is filled with a surge of unfamiliar power. As she learns about her magic, she struggles with the desire to use it to help others at the risk of revealing herself to the Enchanter Council.
The Fey seek the hope of their race, a woman with magic, who can initiate the return of their goddess. The Enchanters fear the Fey goddess and kill every female born with magic in order to prevent her return. Marian is sought after by both; the Fey come to her for help, and the Enchanter Council wants to kill her. If the goddess isn’t brought back soon, anything touched by fey magic will be affected, including Marian. The Fey will slowly lose their magic. Most will die of despair. Can Marian forgive those who killed her mother, in order to save herself?
I am a moderator for Writing.com, an online writing community, where I also served as a Fantasy Newsletter editor for two years.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Best Wishes,
[Feywriter]
.-= Feywriter´s last blog ..NaNo Update =-.
Wow, very helpful!! Thanks for doing this, Ann!
.-= Kristan´s last blog ..Say no to life, yes to crap! … Wait, what?? =-.
this illustration of before and after really explain how you can ramp up your query letter. Sometimes writing one can be daunting so i found this example very helpful. thanks, Ann! and thank you, WU!
This is really helpful. So many times we hear that we should give specifics, not generalizations, but seeing it written out makes it a little clearer.
I’d love feedback on my own. I’ve had one request for a partial off this, but that’s it.
*****
[Dear Agent]:
Mateo has never traveled beyond his southern Mexican town, but he’s always believed his future is on the other side of the border. His first attempt to cross leaves him bleeding and penniless in a holding cell, and he must decide whether that future is worth the risk to his life. His father has made the alternative—returning home—impossible, so he tries again, this time with the help of a coyote.
Mateo doesn’t realize that the Mexican government has infiltrated the coyote’s smuggling ring until he’s already locked in a trunk and headed for the border. He and another migrant, Alejandro, escape into the desert, and it quickly becomes clear that Alejandro has an agenda all his own—and knows more about the men pursuing them than he’s letting on.
THE OTHER SIDE, my 83,000-word mainstream novel, shows the risks one man takes for his chance at the American dream. I am a US citizen who has lived in Mexico for the past two years while my husband and I await his US visa, and I’ve shared my experiences on my blog, What Am I Doing in Mexico? (melanieavila.blogspot.com). I currently have a short story published at Flashquake.org.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Melanie Avila
.-= Melanie´s last blog ..Slurp This =-.
Feywriter: your query has a prosaic tone, considering the magical subject matter. Is there a way to let the voice you use in your book show through a little?
Kristan and Thea, I’m glad you found it helpful.
Melanie: your letter is really fine. I suspect you haven’t had more nibbles because the subject matter is a tough sell. Mexico is not a high-glamour setting for a book, although I’m trying to change that perception with my Corine Solomon series.
Good luck to all!
.-= Ann Aguirre´s last blog ..Skin Tight excerpt =-.
Ann,
Thank you for the post! I struggle with queries as so many writers do. I’ve re-written mine at least 15 times and am still not happy with it. I sent a round of agent queries out in September and have had one request for partial, one rejection, and the rest have never replied. Any advice you can give would be most welcome!
What if a teenage girl’s inner demons come to life?
They do in WHEN DARKNESS WHISPERS, my completed 50,000 word YA paranormal novel.
Quinn Taylor’s perfect life is crumbling. Dad’s left, mom’s a workaholic, and Jeff, her boyfriend of four years, has betrayed her. To make things worse, her inner demons are materializing everywhere and the whole school’s spreading lies about her weird behavior. Aaron Collier, a mysterious boy with a troubled past, comes to her defense. An intangible energy draws her to him. She wants to tell him about the demons, about unearthly shadows and leathery beasts crouched on her shoulder. But she’s afraid that he’ll turn his back on her, that he’ll confirm her worst fear: that she’s crazy. Jeff wants her back. Her demons push her to the edge. Quinn must decide: Aaron or Jeff, truth or lies, death or destiny.
I’m a member of SCBWI and have attended many of their regional and national conferences. I have attended the Maui Writer’s conference and have completed the Writing for Children and Teenagers course with the Institute of Children’s literature. WHEN DARKNESS WHISPERS is my first completed novel.
Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Thank you Ann. I’ve begun to think the same thing about Mexico, and I’m in the editing stages of my second novel about the Midwest. I think that might be an easier sell. :)
Thank you so much for doing this! I didn’t realize some of the mistakes I was making until you pointed them out. The query letter is getting revamped this weekend!
Again, thank you thank you thank you!
Heather, your letter is pretty good.
I would open with how you found them instead of a question and close with thanking them for their & consideration. Other than that, it looks fine to me.
I look forward to seeing the new version, Jackie.
.-= Ann Aguirre´s last blog ..Skin Tight excerpt =-.
Hi Ann. Thank you for taking the time to look it over. I appriciate it.