Warning: Hacks for Hacks tips may have harmful side effects on your writing career, and should not be used by minors, adults, writers, poets, scribes, scriveners, journalists, or anybody.
Recently, Twitter allowed some users to write tweets of up to 280 characters instead of the usual 140. Issues like harassment, online bullying, and potentially inciting nuclear war are important, but they had to wait so Twitter could make sure jerks like me would have more sand in their sandboxes, apparently. It is my gift, it is my curse. I take this responsibility very seriously, and I feel a certain noblesse oblige to help other writers who have been or will one day be granted this awesome power. If you’re an author, a writer, or just someone willing to visit this website and click the banner ads, it is your solemn duty to read this column and learn how to wield your words effectively in this expansive new landscape.
(Author’s note: If you’re one of the unwashed still pecking out your book promotions and Twitter pitch contests 140 characters at a time like a caveman chiseling into a stone tablet, I’m sorry that I have nothing for you today. You’ll have to make do with my previous Twitter columns; I stand by what I wrote back then, but now that I’ve seen the 280-character future, my mind has been opened to the thrilling possibilities of the universe, like in that expanding-brain meme (if you don’t know what that is, then you definitely don’t have 280-character Twitter)).
- Lord it over everybody. No one knows how Twitter decided whom to bless, but one thing is obvious: Those fortunate few produce the most valuable #content on the internet, and should be shown the same deference extended to your average princess or archduke. I was selected as one of the fortunate few, and if you think I’m here to gloat, you’re correct. Demand that respect from others, and show it to those who are also gifted. (A great way to show that respect is to send them a tiny coffee payment at the bottom of their article.)