This month we’re once again looking at an opening passage. The situation certainly tense enough – a woman with two small children facing up to her need to escape from a physically abusive husband. And the author makes skillful use of her techniques to create that tension – note how the narrator, Nikki, is sensitive to every time Jake touches her.
But the author also gets in the way of the drama of the situation in a couple of different ways. So take a look at the editing and judge for yourself. I’ll offer my own comments below.
As always, you’re welcome to submit your own work to The Writer Unboxed stable of editors. You can find the guidelines here.
The house lights dimmed. The curtain lifted.  He Jake still hadn’t arrived by the time the houselights dimmed and the curtain lifted. If he would only stay ed away, Nikki might would have a chance to gather her strength , to think. She nuzzled Seth’s baby fine hair as he cuddled on her lap, his small hand twisting her long brunette hair for comfort.
The opening chords of the “Sugar Plum Fairy” played, and
on stage, her pretty little daughter, Kasey, led the four to six-year-old girls, all dressed in sherbet-colored tutus across the stage. AThe girl in the lime tutu turned the wrong way, and dear Kasey stepped out of line to push her back into place , quickly returning to her spot to continue the routine. She had Jake’s outsized confidence. [Read more…]