Rich Relationships
Donald Maass on Mar 06 2013 | Filed under: CRAFT
What’s your most meaningful relationship? Quick, write it down.
Did you write down a relationship with a person? That’s great. Now, keep listing relationships that are important to you. Write down as many as you like. When you’re done have a look at your list. Are one or more relationships that matter to you relationships to non-living things? Chances are that’s true.
We have relationships to all manner of things: music, animals, towns, careers, sports teams, food, the past, and even our own writing. We also have relationships to aspects of ourselves, for instance to our fears, our dreams, our sins, our suffering, our beliefs and ideals. We have relationships with time, the Devine and death.
Here’s the thing about relationships: they’re unique to us, they matter and they change. Just as our relationships to others evolve so do our relationships to things that are abstract and intangible.
Look at it this way: Do you feel the same today as you did in childhood about your Barbie dolls or Lego blocks? No. Your toys today are different. Is your passion for Van Halen, blue eye shadow, shoulder pads or Jägermeister the same as in your younger days? No. You’ve moved on to jazz, minivans, Ann Taylor and Ribera.
As for me, don’t get me started about hair, coffee, books or the European Union. It’s complicated. Ask me a year from now and I likely won’t say what I’d say today. That’s the point. My relationship to those things is changing.
So it is with characters. Their relationships to non-human things are as dynamic as their relationships to other people. How can we measure those changes? It’s done by capturing evolving feelings, opinions and perceptions. Here are some approaches to developing a deeper connection between your protagonist and his or her subjective world…
- What’s something about which your protagonist is passionate? Why is it important? What meaning does it have that others do not see? Bring that thing into the story once…then bring it in again at a moment of defeat.
- What’s something your protagonist hates, hates, hates? Where does that hate come from? With what or whom is it associated? Bring that thing into the story once…then later reveal something unexpectedly beautiful about it.
- What is something with which your protagonist struggles? Why does that struggle matter, why can’t your protagonist let it go? Find three places to enact that struggle…and finally the moment when the struggle ends.
- Give your protagonist a childhood memento. Have it go missing. Where’s the least likely yet most symbolic time and place for it to be found? You know what to do.
The world in which you and I live is more than what we see. It’s more than the people with whom we interact. Just as real to us are crossroad moments, the mood of a holiday or the truths of human perfidy. Intangible things can walk into a room, sit down and engage us in conversations. We find that talk worth having.
It’s worth putting on the page, too.

























It’s easy to think of relationships in regard to people and pets – and then to put that on the page – but to take it one step further and expand that definition of “relationship” is to make the character, the scene etc come alive on that page.
My favorite part – “Intangible things can walk into a room, sit down and engage us in conversations. We find that talk worth having.”
Thanks for the great reminder!
Madeline Mora-Summonte´s last blog post ..GIVEAWAY! Signed Copy of…
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Welcome, Madeline.
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Ooo! Fun tips to try! (Saves article for future drafting purposes…)
L.M. Sherwin´s last blog post ..Wednesday Wanderment
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Don’t just save–use! (I know you will.)
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My current heroine has a strong feeling for her family’s business. The hero threatens to buy it out from under her. Relationships run rampant through every day life. The hardest ones are with the intangible.
Mary Jo Burke´s last blog post ..Hello world!
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Love that one–the family business. How has it grown, challenged, disappointed, delighted? Sounds almost like a child, which I guess it is in a way. Would love to see what you do with that.
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Shameless book plug. Her Private Colection will be out in June with Musa Publishing.
Mary Jo Burke´s last blog post ..Hello world!
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very nicely said:
“relationships to non-human things are as dynamic as their relationships to other people…evolving feelings, opinions and perceptions…”
i like the way you laid out various instances / samples of how that can be expressed, thanks so much donald ;-)
Adan Lerma´s last blog post ..Read an E-Book Week, March 3 – 9, 2013 – Felipe Adan Lerma
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Glad you get it, Adan.
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Thanks, Donald. I always look forward to your craft articles–for their practical advice and well-crafted style! My heroine steals a garnet ring, the first beautiful and valuable thing she’s ever owned. She can never wear it, but brings it out to look at in secret. Finally, she offers it as a bribe to save her best friend’s life, but her effort is scorned and rejected.
Christina Kaylor´s last blog post ..On the Southern Literary Trail: Part One—Andalusia, Flannery O’Connor’s Farm Home
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Ah…I wonder how the ring looks to her then?
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I recognize these from your 21 st Century book. Love love love the book. I’m using it to plot my new WIP. It made writing my other WIP a breeze. :D
Stina Lindenblatt´s last blog post ..Notes of Inspiration
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Nice to hear, Stina, thanks. And glad you took advantage of the 380 “tools” in Writing 21st Century Fiction.
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Another printer, my dear Yoda! I think I might actually have enough pages of your advice to make a book. Too bad I already own your books.
Thanks for your contribution to writers… much appreciated.
Denise Willson
Author of A Keeper’s Truth
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Gratified, I am.
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The world reflects us back to ourselves. We don’t see others as they are; we see them as we are. And so do our characters.
I bow to you, Don Maass. You’re one of the best. :)
Justine Musk´s last blog post ..Sheryl Sandberg, Amanda Palmer + the art of changing the game
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Sweet, thanks.
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Thank you for helping us to expand our concept of relationships. It makes me want to go back into a completed novel of mine and take a second, maybe third, look at how my heroine interacts with objects from her childhood. They are her mother’s handkerchief and a small tintype of her father – all that she has left of them. She calls them her talismans and clings to them for comfort. Late in the story she even risks her life to retrieve them, but now I’m wondering if I could have done more with them or handled her relationship with them differently. You have given me something to think about.
I look forward to meeting you in Houston in October at NWHRWA’s Lone Star Conference.
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You’re right on target there, Linda, go for it.
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I don’t know why, but I’ve always balked at creating character sketches. For me they’re flat and boring, and I forget everything about them. It isn’t until my characters are in the story that I get a sense of who they are.
This advice, though? Wow! Lightbulb over head is on overloading circuit, ready to blow.
Thank you!
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–slipping on my sunglasses–
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I was recently reminded of a relationship for which my passion had cooled. I hadn’t spent much time in the woodshop in the past few years. But being out there was a reawakening. The smell of freshly cut Douglas fir, the feel of a quality tool in hand, the bright color of a freshly planed board–the little things warmed me right back up to woodworking. It demonstrates the power of your advice to bring relationships back. Good stuff, as usual. Thanks, Don.
Vaughn Roycroft´s last blog post ..Keeping the Faith (In Spite of All Contrary Evidence)
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Woodshop, hardware stores, paint stores…all evocative for me, too. I’ve been doing some projects in our new loft. It brings me back to my dad, who taught me planning, measuring, tools, painting.
As I swish a brush around the rim of the paint can before tapping the lid gently down with a hammer, my dad’s right next to me. When I groan and grunt forcing a reluctant Phillips head screw, he’s with me too. I am never more my dad than then.
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Thank you for this great advice. I will definitely be bookmarking this for future reference. I have heard a lot about you but this is the first article that I have read of yours. I will check out and read one of your books. Thanks again for your great advice. I’m writing my first book and this will help me a lot.
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Thanks!
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The protagonist discovering unexpected beauty in something she hates-hates-hates is one of the best surprises to experience when reading a novel… I love the glimpse into a character’s heart and the connection that can only come from seeing something in a new light. And for that matter, finding beauty in unexpected places is one of my favorite things about growing older. :) There are so many things I used to scoff at back in the day, whereas now, I’ve somehow acquired an appreciation for them. (Jazz and minivans do not fit into that group btw, but hey, I might see it differently one day….)
Thank you Donald, for these excellent tips.
Barb Riley´s last blog post ..Defining the Sense of an Ending
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There has to be something good about getting older, eh? I hope you’ll give jazz another chance. Nowadays I follow the progression of solos with more patience and pleasure.
Minivans, though…now, I have to admit that age has not made me more appreciative. Maybe after a few more car trips with my kid?
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My relationship with writing, well it’s complicated.
Thanks for this post. Some helpful suggestions.
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Welcome, Jennifer, thanks for reading.
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I think I’m getting the hang of this relating thing.
My initial relationship was quite different than my third-times-a-charm relationship with your post.
As always, enlightened this Padawan has been.
I will definitely revisit this post in the future. Hopefully, there will be less awe and more understanding.
Brian B. King´s last blog post ..After shitting my pants, what would be my next logical step?
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Maybe grow the Padawan braid too?
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Sitting at Wegman’s, writing, and popped in to read this. Great prompt as always, Don! Passed the advice about evoking an entire character arc through relationship to an object to a writer sitting two chairs down from me—this will work great for her middle grade—she says thanks!
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Ah, word of mouth at work! Love it!
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So maybe I’m just totally self-centered (or have been doing way too much research on new age spirituality), but after your initial question about ‘what’s my most important relationship,’ I answered with the word ‘myself.’ It’s the relationship I have with myself that determines how I interact with all other people and things.
Then I read on and realized you were not intending the question introspectively but externally. Do you have suggestions for how the role of the protagonist’s relationship to self manifests in how those relationships to external persons and things gets expressed? Or perhaps that’s another topic entirely.
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Self regard is, in my opinion, one of the most important components of a compelling protagonist. We are drawn to those who take themselves and their journey through life seriously…though I hasten to add that being self-absorbed and self-aware are two different things.
To get to your question, one thing to try is testing your protagonist’s core principles. What’s a situation which could show your protagonist that he/she is wrong about something held sacred? That’s turning the internal outward. Hope that helps.
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Haha, this couldn’t have come at a better time! I just released a novel about a woman who falls in love with an android. For a second there, I thought this was one of the science fiction romance blogs I follow… Loving “things”, indeed!
Aubrey Watt´s last blog post ..Full-Length Novel Release! Science Fiction Romance
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The androids I know do not like to be called “things” but rather “beings”. Just sayin’.
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Fabulous post!
I am writing my memoir with an arc of fiction. Your suggestion of adding relationships gives my antagonist more ‘life’. Although mentioning things she is passionate about is good… writing about what she hates-hates-hates is just the ‘umph’ my story needs.
Thanks for the nudge!
Deb Hathaway´s last blog post ..Love Letters…
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Anytime.
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It’s funny; I didn’t check who the author of the article was, but having read your books and been to a workshop, I knew who it was by the end of the second sentence. ;)
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Perhaps I’ve found my voice? Good news.
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There was a young lady of Niger
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger;
They returned from the ride
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
Now that’s what I call an evolving relationship!
Thanks for the thought-provoking post.
Melissa Shaw-Smith´s last blog post ..Mud Season
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One of my characters is going through an emotional turmoil. She discovers that she had repressed memories of being kidnapped as a child. As she tries to deal with it, she develops a fixation with a cartoon character. I hadn’t thought about this as a relationship. But maybe it is?
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This is a bit awkward to say, but I do feel a relationship to certain strip cartoons…Calvin & Hobes, 9 Chickweed Lane, Luann, The Meaning of Lila. I’ve “argued” with the cartoonists (in my head) and sometimes grown impatient with them, but in the end I treasure them. I cannot imagine my life without Peanuts, Pogo or Shoe.
See? A relationship with artists, and their characters, who don’t know I exist.
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Good post.
I don’t think it’s healthy to maintain a relationship with THINGS as human beings we are bigger than that.
But it could be me I also don’t think the relationship that Woody Allen has with his ‘daughter/wife’ is right either.
Darnell Jackson´s last blog post ..Link Building: You’re Doing it Wrong pt. 3
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Ah, this gives me ideas. I’ve always loved the conflict in stories where a character values something and then loses it. Like in the Sword of Truth series when Richard and the Sword are separated. But I’ve never thought of it as a relationship. This helps me focus a bit. Thanks
Jennifer M Zeiger´s last blog post ..Alosian Oasis Option B: Salt
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What a great exercise–for any piece of writing. Thank you!
Cynthia´s last blog post ..Meeting Your Deadlines: The Death Star Trash Compactor of Writing
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This post couldn’t have come at a better time for me! I love all your posts Don, and refer back to them often. Thanks for always giving such great advice!
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I read through this entire article thinking, “This is something Donald Maass would like.” Then I went to print it and realized that it was your article. Duh. You’ve completely ruined me, Don, with all your talk of tension and struggles and inner journeys. And I mean that in a good way. I’ve attended a number of your workshops, masters classes (SIWC) and had a few quick conversations with you, all of which have pushed me to become a better writer. But enough flattery. It’s time to get back to the day’s writing. Thanks for making me think.
Wendy´s last blog post ..PDA
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