In the meantime you get this – the product of a stressful month in which the O’Hara family surmounted health, dental, and relationship challenges. Since I cope by using black humor, be ye warned about the type of content that greets you below the fold.
14 Subtle Signs Your OBGYN Might Not Make a Good Critique Partner
1. Her waiting room is dominated by the sounds of a fountain, decorated with pictures of rivers, furnished in shades of yellow, and the staff are too busy sniping at one another to notice that visitors sit with crossed legs.
2. The patient resource library is stocked with brochures like Why Self-Pubbing Will Make You Go Blind.
3. Once in the exam room, you’re told to change before the specialist arrives. He keeps you waiting for an hour. When you take him to task for the delay, the only apology you get is for the poor quality of the dead-tree gown furnished by the legacy hospital.
4. She has incense burning in front of her certificates and diplomas, and she uses sentences like these:
- “Aren’t you glad you’re going to be examined by a Yale-educated physician?”
- “Isn’t it wonderful a Harvard grad learned to warm this speculum?”
- “I feel so fortunate that my Ivy-League education helped me know how to help you.”
5. Within minutes, you find yourself wanting to point at your face and say, “My eyes are up here…”
6. It’s while he’s sliding the speculum in that he wants to debate the merits of last year’s Man Booker prize.
7. They don’t know their way around lubricant, so either they
- Use too little, so you’re forcibly reminded of last year’s IRS audit
- Use so much you qualify as a test site for British Petroleum’s oil-dispersing foam
8. He likes to talk. With his hands. During the exam. As a consequence, you’re reconsidering your feelings about the abstract pattern of the ceiling tile, which you formerly considered soothing.
9. While extracting his elbow from your privates, he congratulates you on being female so that you don’t have to go through a prostrate exam.
10. When you ask her position on flaccid prose and dangling modifiers, she pulls out her prescription pad.
11. You learn you have a dangerous illness when he vomits on the floor.
12. When you object to her taking pictures of your pathology for the medical students, she says, “I wouldn’t dream of being that inconsiderate. This is for my blog.”
13. He wants you to vote on his blog’s name and these are your choices:
- Writing from the Trenches
14. Two hours after your appointment, you bump into the specialist in the middle of Safeway. As is appropriate, they take their cue from you about whether you will acknowledge one another in public. (You decide not.) But as they turn away, they smile knowingly and sniff their fingers in a long, stuttering inhalation.
Peeps, this is Monday and I’m in serious need of laughs. Please feel free to take off the gloves and use your fertile imaginations to add to my list. Go deep. I’m sure a missed a million or two bad puns. ;-)