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I would open with how you found them instead of a question and close with thanking them for their & consideration. Other than that, it looks fine to me.

I look forward to seeing the new version, Jackie.
.-= Ann Aguirre´s last blog ..Skin Tight excerpt =-.

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Again, thank you thank you thank you!

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What if a teenage girl’s inner demons come to life?
They do in WHEN DARKNESS WHISPERS, my completed 50,000 word YA paranormal novel.

Quinn Taylor’s perfect life is crumbling. Dad’s left, mom’s a workaholic, and Jeff, her boyfriend of four years, has betrayed her. To make things worse, her inner demons are materializing everywhere and the whole school’s spreading lies about her weird behavior. Aaron Collier, a mysterious boy with a troubled past, comes to her defense. An intangible energy draws her to him. She wants to tell him about the demons, about unearthly shadows and leathery beasts crouched on her shoulder. But she’s afraid that he’ll turn his back on her, that he’ll confirm her worst fear: that she’s crazy. Jeff wants her back. Her demons push her to the edge. Quinn must decide: Aaron or Jeff, truth or lies, death or destiny.

I’m a member of SCBWI and have attended many of their regional and national conferences. I have attended the Maui Writer’s conference and have completed the Writing for Children and Teenagers course with the Institute of Children’s literature. WHEN DARKNESS WHISPERS is my first completed novel.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,

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Kristan and Thea, I’m glad you found it helpful.

Melanie: your letter is really fine. I suspect you haven’t had more nibbles because the subject matter is a tough sell. Mexico is not a high-glamour setting for a book, although I’m trying to change that perception with my Corine Solomon series.

Good luck to all!
.-= Ann Aguirre´s last blog ..Skin Tight excerpt =-.

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I’d love feedback on my own. I’ve had one request for a partial off this, but that’s it.

*****

[Dear Agent]:

Mateo has never traveled beyond his southern Mexican town, but he’s always believed his future is on the other side of the border. His first attempt to cross leaves him bleeding and penniless in a holding cell, and he must decide whether that future is worth the risk to his life. His father has made the alternative—returning home—impossible, so he tries again, this time with the help of a coyote.

Mateo doesn’t realize that the Mexican government has infiltrated the coyote’s smuggling ring until he’s already locked in a trunk and headed for the border. He and another migrant, Alejandro, escape into the desert, and it quickly becomes clear that Alejandro has an agenda all his own—and knows more about the men pursuing them than he’s letting on.

THE OTHER SIDE, my 83,000-word mainstream novel, shows the risks one man takes for his chance at the American dream. I am a US citizen who has lived in Mexico for the past two years while my husband and I await his US visa, and I’ve shared my experiences on my blog, What Am I Doing in Mexico? (melanieavila.blogspot.com). I currently have a short story published at Flashquake.org.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Melanie Avila
.-= Melanie´s last blog ..Slurp This =-.

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Dear [Agent name]:

I’m querying you because [personalized]. EMERGENCE OF THE FEY is a fantasy novel complete at 98,000 words.

When Marian isn’t helping her mother with her herbalist trade, she retreats to the forest. The woods hold a secret for her alone, a crying entity that echoes her own loneliness. When she overhears plans to cut down the forest, Marian is determined to find a way to stop it. Unbeknownst to her, the Fey have their own agenda for saving the forest. They burn the village to protect the spirit of their banished goddess. Marian helplessly watches the fire rage, knowing her mother is inside. Furious at the loss of her mother, Marian is filled with a surge of unfamiliar power. As she learns about her magic, she struggles with the desire to use it to help others at the risk of revealing herself to the Enchanter Council.

The Fey seek the hope of their race, a woman with magic, who can initiate the return of their goddess. The Enchanters fear the Fey goddess and kill every female born with magic in order to prevent her return. Marian is sought after by both; the Fey come to her for help, and the Enchanter Council wants to kill her. If the goddess isn’t brought back soon, anything touched by fey magic will be affected, including Marian. The Fey will slowly lose their magic. Most will die of despair. Can Marian forgive those who killed her mother, in order to save herself?

I am a moderator for Writing.com, an online writing community, where I also served as a Fantasy Newsletter editor for two years.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best Wishes,

[Feywriter]
.-= Feywriter´s last blog ..NaNo Update =-.

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