Today on WU, I’ve chosen a query letter from the pile and will give it a makeover. This is a pretty good starting point, but we can do better. Here’s the text, as sent to me, but I should note; I redacted the specifics as best I could. I don’t want anyone to read this query and know exactly who / what book is being referenced here. (Maybe a few of you will anyway! But don’t go shouting it out in comments. Preserve anonymity unless the author outs herself.) Ready to begin?

Dear Agent X,

[Heroine Name] is looking for a man who is more interested in sex than blood or a tasty bite of her soul. He’s preferably single, employed, and, most importantly, alive. She knows she’s in trouble when her soul–who she named Grace because, really, if you hear a voice in your head you may as well give it a proper name–starts shrieking vague and prophetic phrases at the sight of [Hero Name], PR rep to the supernatural community.

Life continues its spiral into the bizarre when [Heroine Name] is attacked by a vampire, whipped Indiana Jones-style by an angel, and threatened by a powerful demon. All this and [Hero Name] expects her to believe that not only are they soul mates, but something happened in a past life that put their souls on the path to eternal damnation.

Bombarded by visions of the past and nightmares of the future, [Heroine Name] is ready to tell the supernaturals to stick it where the sun don’t shine–or, in the vampires’ case, where it does shine–even if it means losing the man she’s meant to be with.

[Book title] is a humor-infused tale of love, redemption, and sacrifice. This 95,000 word paranormal romance will appeal to fans of [several famous authors.]

For the past year I’ve been a reviewer for [reputable book site] and am a member of an extremely diverse critique group. A synopsis and the completed manuscript are available upon request.

Thank you,

Let’s go line by line.

Dear Agent X,

I probably don’t need to say this, but… double-check the spelling of the agent’s name. Review the query guidelines & make sure you’re only emailing if they accept e-queries or sending a snail mail if they don’t.

[Heroine Name] is looking for a man who is more interested in sex than blood or a tasty bite of her soul.

Leading off with this line makes me think this book has a chick-lit feel. If that’s accurate, then well-done. But what supernatural creatures eat the soul? Is this part of the world-building? If so, is it crucial to mention it in the first line?

He’s preferably single, employed, and, most importantly, alive.

This is a nice follow-up, but it can be snappier. Maybe something along the lines of ‘no more blood-sucking deadbeats’.

She knows she’s in trouble when her soul–who she named Grace because, really, if you hear a voice in your head you may as well give it a proper name–starts shrieking vague and prophetic phrases at the sight of [Hero Name], PR rep to the supernatural community.

This is a big jump without a segue. Why is this part of the first paragraph? I should have some idea of the plot by now, and I really don’t.

Life continues its spiral into the bizarre when [Heroine Name] is attacked by a vampire, whipped Indiana Jones-style by an angel, and threatened by a powerful demon.

This information needs to come earlier, first paragraph preferably, as it’s all more compelling than naming her soul or voices in her head.

All this and [Hero Name] expects her to believe that not only are they soul mates, but something happened in a past life that put their souls on the path to eternal damnation.

This is too vague. You may be able to get away with ‘something’ in a BS synopsis, but in a query, the book is written, and that something is defined. You need to give the agent the goods. Hook ‘em! Don’t hold back.

Bombarded by visions of the past and nightmares of the future, [Heroine Name] is ready to tell the supernaturals to stick it where the sun don’t shine–or, in the vampires’ case, where it does shine–even if it means losing the man she’s meant to be with.

We don’t know anything about the heroine yet: what she does for a living, her role in the supernatural community. Why would she have the freedom to tell anyone to shove it if she’s just a random human who was attacked?

[Book title] is a humor-infused tale of love, redemption, and sacrifice. This 95,000 word paranormal romance will appeal to fans of [several famous authors.]

Two things. First, ‘love, redemption, and sacrifice’ are possibly the most general words to describe a romance in the English language. You need to nail this. Represent your story! And second, be careful with comparisons. Some of those listed seemed like apples and oranges to me; that is, if you’re like one, then you’re probably not like the other.

For the past year I’ve been a reviewer for [reputable book site] and am a member of an extremely diverse critique group. A synopsis and the completed manuscript are available upon request.

Agents care about platform. So unless you have fans of your own, reviewing is irrelevant. The critique group is also extraneous. I mean, it’s good for you, but it’s not a selling point. This paragraph needs to be limited to pertinent credentials. If you don’t have any, then you proceed to your closing, which also lacks punch. Of course you have a book and a synopsis. You want to display confidence and enthusiasm without seeming arrogant or over-eager. This is a tough line.

Now that I’ve given commentary along the way, I’m going to rewrite this query, using the information available to me.

Dear Agent,

According to (source, such as agentquery.com), you represent paranormal romance and I admire the work of your client (Name author – only do this if it’s true, but it’s a great opener), so I’m offering you a look at (Book Name), complete at 95,000 words.

(Heroine) was looking for love in all the wrong places, but she never realized a supernatural world lurked beneath the surface in (town name) until she was attacked by a vampire. When she surprises them by surviving, she’s contacted by a sexier-than-hell fanged liaison for a debriefing. The supernatural PR rep lights her fire in a big way, but she refuses to listen to the crazy voice in her head that says she’s been there and done that, and whoa, it was good.

Things only get wilder from there as (Heroine) is whipped by an angel, and threatened by a powerful demon. (Insert more plot and character details here.)

(Book Name) should appeal to readers of (good single author comparison). (Insert pertinent bio data, like, “I’ve been writing for four years, I have a degree in whatever, and this is my first novel”). I look forward to hearing from you and will be delighted to send pages on request. Thanks so much for your time.

Sincerely (or All the best,)

Always make sure you thank them for their time. Being polite costs you nothing and is always a good idea. Well, I hope this helped. If you have questions, I’ll be happy to answer them. If you want to post your own query in comments, I’ll take a look at it. I won’t give it as detailed a treatment as I did this one, but I’ll give tips.

Ann Aguirre is a bestselling, multi-published author with a degree in English Literature. She is a prolific writer, with nine releases planned for 2011 alone. She writes romantic science fiction and urban fantasy under her own name. As Ava Gray, she writes high-octane romances. She also writes "hot paranormal apocalyptic action" with fellow author Carrie Lofty under the pseudonymn Ellen Connor. Follow her on Twitter.
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