Poisonous Playmates
April 14th, 2008 by Kathleen Bolton
The other day I engaged in the grim task of cleaning out my e-mail inbox. It had become loaded with messages, some of which were over seven years old. My long-suffering Eudora program gave me the dire warning to clean this crap out or it would quit on me.
Of course, I couldn’t help opening up messages and making totally sure I wasn’t throwing away anything important. I began reading an e-mail chain from a long-defunct writer’s group. In those days we’d start the week with a friendly e-mail to members telling them about our progress or frustrations or breakthroughs. As I was reading them, I noticed something else: one of the members was either
a) continually chronicling reasons why they couldn’t write anything that week
b) subtly attacking members who did make progress or breakthroughs
I’m really impatient with those sorts of behaviors. I guess you’d call me a bee-yotch when it comes to my writing time, but I don’t let much derail me from my appointment with my muse. I think I might have even written a few replies saying, “wtf, tell your spouse he can make his own tomato soup for lunch. The instructions are on the can. This is YOUR time.” She wrote back that she felt it was her obligation to make sure everyone in her family was happy and contented before she felt she could take time away from their needs for her own selfish pursuits.
Huh?
Much later (after I left the group) I learned from another member how guilty Perfect Spouse made her feel if she didn’t get up at the crack of dawn to make her kids hot oatmeal with a drizzled honey smiley-face and instead chose to write until the last possible second. She also reported that PS tried to derail her progress by calling into question the plot, dialogue, research choices, you name it, on her WIP.
In THE ARTISTS WAY: A SPIRITUAL PATH TO HIGHER CREATIVITY, author Julia Cameron calls these sorts of derailers “poisonous playmates.” These are the people who are afraid to take a risk on their own creativity. Others who have moved past this fear to actually, you know, write, threaten them. It’s like a barfly who has decided to sober up; their bar buddies aren’t going to applaud the act, they’re going to try and them back in the bar so they don’t have to face their own inadequacies.
These “poisonous playmates” try to guilt-trip those of us pursuing our goals. I’ve never had this problem with my own family, and I’m blessed to have a supportive spouse and network of friends who encourage my writing. It saddens me to know that there are others who have to battle not only their muse, but a host of “poisonous playmates” who secretly want them to fail. Or if not fail, project their own fears and doubts on the work they are doing.
My friend eventually had to cut herself off from this “poisonous playmate” and being the tender-hearted person she was, it upset her greatly. But she’s doing much better on her WIP and honoring her creative force by working. It took her a long time to extricate herself, though. Lost time that can never be regained. But a lesson learned is better than no lesson at all.
Did you have to deal with a “poisonous playmate” when it came to your writing? What did you do to free yourself from them? Have you made a full recovery from the toxic relationship to continue your work?
Image by lostdragonfly.
I’m lucky, too, to have a hubby and family who support my writing. Believe me–we’ve eaten plenty of store-cooked chickens over the last few years! And Chinese food and Thai and…
I guess the trick with any of these roadblocks is to try to listen to your gut about these sorts of things and not the gnats buzzing in your ear.
Thanks for the post, Kath!
it’s not always spouses, sometimes it’s your non-writing friends. they don’t understand, don’t want to understand, or they sabotage for whatever reason. same with dieting. i don’t share this part of my life freely anymore, except with GH approved writer buds.
I had one of those. He showed his support by withdrawing or being silent. The breakup of the relationship was part of the solution. The other part was luck, in the form of a new boyfriend. He’s supportive, and more creative and productive than I am. I run fast to keep up with his most relaxed pace. His existence is an affirmation of creativity, and a mentoring force.
Thankfully, there isn’t anyone in my life who consciously tries to derail me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t get derailed…
More often than not it’s family or friend obligations. The rest of the time, it’s just obligations like yard work or taking care of things around the house. The lawn can’t go unmowed for a month just because I’d rather write.
I find it’s not so much a Poisonous Playmate issue as it is a Poisonous Obligation to real life.
One thing that helps this is to schedule your writing for a time that’s terribly inconvenient for other people to distract you. I like to write in the early morning because… if my wife isn’t sleeping, she’s getting ready for work. I’m the last of her concerns in the morning, and for me that’s very convenient.
I also take the laptop to work sometimes, and write on my lunch break. When everyone else is out to lunch, there’s nobody to bother me… most of the time.
But the prime time is Saturday & Sunday mornings. If I get up early, there’s certainly nobody who has any interest in bothering me — my wife, friends, etc. are all sleeping.
So it’s just me, my morning pot of coffee, and the laptop.
I highly recommend that kind of Writing Zen.
“it’s not always spouses, sometimes it’s your non-writing friends. they don’t understand, don’t want to understand, or they sabotage for whatever reason. same with dieting”
So true, Thea. I don’t talk about my writing with non-writers much. They get ticked when I’m sleepy at 8:30 p.m. because I get up early to write. But they’ve learned to deal with it.
Eric and Mai, a supportive partner is key, and it’s great you have those. Therese, too. Because really, aren’t these the people who should want to make you happy? I’ve never understood the partner who is so jealous you have to spend every moment on their “approved” activity. That’s insecurity.
I would expand the definition of ‘poisonous playmate’ to include anyone who simply isn’t supportive of your goals. Be they members of your writing group, (so-called) friends, or even relatives. I would also include anyone you associate with, including every member of your work environment.
I include virtually everyone we interact with as a potential poisonous playmate simply because they all qualify.
Lest I leave you disillusioned, I leave you with these words of wisdom.
“While we can not choose our relatives, we can chose those we associate with and the influence they have upon us.”
I have certainly had poisonous playmates in my life and put up with them way too long. Why? Because most of them masqueraded as helpers and it took me awhile to see them for what they were. We all need support in this business and there are times we fail to see it isn’t support at all.
I think we also have to believe in ourselves to avoid becoming our own poisonous playmate. It’s so easy to second guess what we’re doing, to procrastinate not because we’re having a good time, but because we are afraid to sit down there and do it. Thanks for this post, the reminder of Julia Cameron and for directing us back into our own power.
Jessica over at Purple Hearts directed me here. What a terrific post. While we might not all have poisonous playmates, I think we all know someone who does. It’s painful watching people with talent and desire being derailed. It’s also frustrating, because I’m like you, Kathleen - I don’t always have patience.
I guess the bottom line is to be thankful if we’re lucky enough to have support, and to try in some small way to help others break free of their poisonous playmates. (Even if that help is simply understanding what they’re going through)