Hello to all my friends at Writer Unboxed. So happy to be back with you again this month, and particularly happy to announce the release of my new novel, The Texas Twist, which streets on June 1 from Prospect Park Books and answers the eternal question, “What happens when a con man gets conned?” As is my practice, I’m giving away e-versions of my new release to WriterUnboxed readers according to my whimsical nature. This time the quest is simple: Guess the number I’m thinking of! (You can do it, trust me; it can be done. There’s even a clue in my twitter stream.) Send an email with your guess to . All answers will be evaluated honestly and prizes distributed accordingly.
Okay, now that the shameless self-promotion is out of the way, let’s get down to the fun stuff.
The other day I was rooting through some paper archives, and discovered, or rediscovered, the text you’ll see below. It seems I wrote this comic piece for a syndicated newspaper column called Laugh Lines, which bought a bunch of my stuff back in the mid 1990s but did not, so far as I can tell, print this one.
It’s going to make you laugh. I think I can promise you that. More than that, though, I hope it reminds you how amazing long your writing life is, and how stuff that you thought would never see the light of day may again re-emerge. I mean, this piece lay fallow for almost 20 years. I’d forgotten I even wrote it! Then I stumbled across it again, and the rest is, well, as you’ll see, a bunch of dumb jokes. The point is that nothing goes to waste. Nothing! At minimum, everything we write makes us better writers – this we know – but there’s always a potential new market or second life waiting for your work somewhere down the road.
Okay, here we go, coming to you live from 1994, it’s The King’s English Dethorned…
Being a pro writer, people are always asking me how to make their prose more fine like wine like mine and I answer that the two most important things to pay attention to are spelling and grammer and I also tell them to never ever split an infinitive and I also tell them not to have run-on sentences or missing commas which are bad. Now I read where the children that are of our schools are’nt learning about good structure and puncturation these days, so as a public service I have drew up a list of all the things you need to make your English well.